Self-Service

“Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” — Woody Allen

So I’m having dinner with a male friend in a fancy restaurant one night when he interrupts my main course by asking whether or not I think he masturbates too frequently. It’s an awkward moment because I have two simultaneous yet grossly incongruous thoughts floating around my head immediately: Why is he asking me, and, Man, this baked sea bass is superb! He goes on to narrate the rather lurid details of his “practice” as we delve into the crème brulee with walnut glaze; he emphasizing the shortening intervals between his sessions as I try valiantly to enjoy my expensive food with the least amount of regurgitation. Apparently he releases enough hostages to empty Guantanamo on a daily basis. We don’t shake hands after dinner.

His situation is hardly unique or new, of course. In fact, it’s ancient. Masturbation has been around for a long time, and while we have no concrete evidence to establish that our prehistoric forefathers choked the pterodactyl, there is enough to suggest that they probably did so. In the comical case of monkeys spanking monkey, the documented practice of masturbation by Bonobo chimpanzees (whose DNA is 98 percent the same as human’s) provides some confirmation that early man most likely masturbated. Early civilizations also gave import to the practice, with the Egyptians crediting the creation of the first man and woman to divine ejaculation, and the Sumerians claiming that the Tigris River was formed when the Mesopotamian god, Enki, masturbated into the trench. Another reason to avoid skinny-dipping in the Middle East. More advanced societies such as the Greeks, Romans (giving us the Latin term masturbari) and even Far Eastern civilizations all reference the act of auto-sexual satisfaction.

Condemnation of the practice is just as ancient and it is only recently, like in the past half century, that masturbation has begun to gain acceptance as a relatively normal activity. From a sociological standpoint, this was probably due to the fact that masturbation was perceived as wasteful — if you weren’t fertilizing women, you weren’t contributing to the population of your tribe. Walking through the crowded hysteria of Manila today, I kind of wish our ancestors had shaved their ice cones more frequently.

Oh…oh, God

Then there is the moral dimension to consider.
The Christian Church in particular has demonstrated severity towards masturbation throughout its history. In the Book of Genesis, it is narrated that Onan of Judah “spilled his seed” on the ground and this displeased God mightily. Christians often refer to this passage as biblical proof that masturbation (well, anything sexual actually) is a sin. Prominent Church figures like St. Paul, St. Augustine and St. Thomas Aquinas all cautioned against the inherent evil of sexual pleasure, masturbation included. There even exists a medieval text proscribing punishment for men who engaged in masturbation.

By the 1800s, masturbation had become associated with a variety of physical and mental ailments as well — as if it weren’t enough that you were going to hell, you were going there with deteriorating health and bound in a straightjacket. Insanity, hallucinations, epilepsy, mental retardation, halitosis, impotence, sensory impairment, in fact everything that medical science couldn’t cure was diagnosed as a result of masturbation. The fear of the activity was so pronounced that dramatic remedies were introduced to counter masturbation. Chronic masturbators were tied up to prevent themselves from touching their privates, penile corsets or “cages” made of leather or steel were developed, penises were bound to prevent erections. In the most absurd example of human stupidity I can muster, a certain Frank Orth (his descendants have since changed their last name) invented a penis-cooling device! Seriously, Frank, did they award you with a No-ball Peace Prize?

Set your monkey free

Fortunately, modern science and common sense have begun to prevail, debunking most of the myths surrounding masturbation. Today, it is generally regarded as a normal, even healthy, activity that most males engage in. Of course, it is still by and large taboo to discuss it openly in various social circles. I wouldn’t recommend this line of conversation over dinner with your girlfriend’s parents, for instance. But is there such a thing as abuse of a normal activity? Of course. Eating too much is gluttony, sleeping too much is sloth and over-sexing one’s self is sluttony — that’s not a real word but it sounds quite cool, don’t you think?

Respected scientific surveys have identified that adolescent males masturbate anywhere from zero to a whopping 20 times a week (yeah, I don’t know these guys but I bet they also play a lot of World of Warcraft). There is no definite “normal” rate, as it all depends on the individual and his situation. But let’s address the question of negative effects.

As stated earlier, almost all of the medical conditions previously associated with masturbation have been demythologized. Masturbation does not cause blindness, insanity, acne, chronic fatigue, hair loss or hairy palms. Another misconception is that masturbation depletes the sperm supply — this was actually threatened in a catechism class by my teacher (same instructor informed us that masturbation was not a sin if we did it without lustful thoughts, heralding several weeks of futile fondling while fantasizing about China’s modern policies or the Guttenberg printing press). Semen is a renewable resource; when you ejaculate semen, your body simply compensates by producing some more. What a great world it would be if cars could run on sperm (of course, fueling stations would still be called “pumps,” but they would all be equipped with First Aid kits). Okay, I suppose if you masturbated furiously at insane frequencies, you could cause some physical damage to your sexual organ. They aren’t re-sealable, buddy. It’s a penis, not a Pepsi.

While masturbation does not cause physical or mental damage, frequent masturbation may be symptomatic of a deficiency in a man’s current way of life. Often, people masturbate not for sexual gratification, but because they’ve got nothing else to do, or because they’re frustrated at some aspect of their lives. If a person feels that his physical well-being is suffering, it is probably because he doesn’t exercise enough, or has neglected a healthy diet, or doesn’t get enough sun. Masturbation does drain bio-energy temporarily, but an unhealthy lifestyle is the more probable cause. And if you find yourself with increasing opportunity to be alone in your room or bathroom, then you have to ask yourself, why do I have so much time — and penis — on my hands?

Too much of a wood thing

The best way to get over any addiction is to keep busy. Sports, hobbies, work, volunteer activity, books, and school are all great ways to occupy the hours, and comprehensive involvement will leave a person both satisfied and tired. It also provides a social dimension — meeting new people is a fantastic deterrent to idle hands. While masturbation may be medically considered a normal activity, it should, at the most, be a minor detail in a regimen and not an overriding priority. Basically, it is no substitute for going out into the open world and experiencing life.

I’m not arguing about the moral nature of it — that’s for higher authorities than myself to discuss. But I can commiserate with about 90 percent of the male population. The process of private self-gratification to achieve fleeting pleasure through manual persuasion is not unknown to me. After all, I am a writer. But I get paid for gripping my pen.