Are you salty?

A London-based friend I have not seen in a long time came to Manila for a visit and after exchanging pleasantries asked me if I was SALTY once again. I was taken aback at his question and thought that he was disrespectful and impertinent. Nevertheless, I gathered my wits and pretending not to be offended quipped, "I am never salty, whatever you mean by that. On the contrary, I am always sugary sweet!"

Sensing my slight indignation, he burst out laughing and explained that SALTY is a new term that is going around in the UK, which means "Single After a Long-Term Relationship." I dissected the phrase word for word and told him I would rather call that person SALTRY so as not to lose the R in the word "relationship." Besides, SALTRY sounds sexier than "salty" —the latter sounds taste- and food-related which to me does not sound right, especially if the question is addressed to a lady.

SALTRY people became the topic of our conversation for the most part of the evening and we realized that a great number of our friends and Manila society by large are in the SALTRY category. For the first time ever, the single, separated and divorced outnumber the married. And a good number of the marrieds might just as well join the rank of the SALTRY as there is not much left of their lackluster marriages.

One such friend is Cathy, who is a career woman and is very independent and oozing with self -confidence. She was with her boyfriend for six years until one day she found out that during one business trip abroad, he started to footsy around with one of her good friends and carried on an affair with her. After they had broken off, she thought it was the end of the world for her as she and her boyfriend already had discussed marriage plans. In their fourth year together, they invested in a plush love nest of their own which they have to sell soon as neither one wants to stay in it.

Her first marriage ended in failure and after she met present boyfriend, Paul, she thought, "This is it! Paul is the man of my dreams, my knight in shining armor." After the betrayal, she sought counseling and immersed herself in a self-awareness course. She discovered herself in the process and is not feeling bitter or desolate anymore. "I went through a transformation after we split up, discovering myself in the process. I grieved for his loss but now I realize he wasn’t ‘the one.’ He was too much of a chronic womanizer for me to feel comfortable. When he left his wife for me, I should have realized he would do the same to me."

Cathy went on with her life and is now happy as a SALTRY. She is not in a hurry to get into another heavy relationship and is having fun meeting new people and having a great career.

More and more women in their 30s and 40s are in the same situation as Cathy. Paula Hall, a psychotherapist, says "The good news for SALTRYs is that a majority do remarry and the search for love is actually much easier, much better the second or third time around. It’s often a shock to be out there again but you have a lot more going for you than when you were in your 20s — more confidence, more comfort in your own skin because you have more money now, to be purely practical about it. Being single will increasingly be part of the norm. People on their own will feel less marginalized, less a minority."

Another psychotherapist, Elizabeth Meakins, says "The main issues for women on their own again in their 30s and their 40s are the panic factor and the biological clock. And that includes women who are already mothers. Some of them want more children with their partner so when the relationship breaks down, they feel thwarted."

What about SALTRY men? What’s in store for them in the dating department?

Most of us think that SALTRY men have it easier than SALTRY women. Such is not the case with some SALTRY men I have come across with.

Take my friend Alex as an example. He is a successful investment banker in his late 30s. He fell in love with a young lady who was still in the midst of earning her master’s degree. His work and her studies plus a strict upbringing kept them apart. Five years into their relationship, Alex realized the age difference was too much and the relationship would not work.

"It’s difficult for me to just date anybody," he says. "First I had to get used to the idea that I was single again and out there in the dating arena. It’s difficult to meet a lady that will understand the demands of my work, the long hours, my business trips. And she has to be special and make me realize that she is not with me because of my success."

Financially independent SALTRY men could also feel that women are out with them for their money, Alex seemed to be telling me.

The biggest change SALTRY men or women will find in the dating landscape is the prevalence of Internet matchmaking sites. There are a number of online-meeting Web sites, if you are up to it. The Web has revolutionized dating by making it more casual. An exchange of e-mails can be very flirty and is much less emotionally demanding than a blind date. For example, Sarah Beeny, an English girl, set up "mysinglefriend.com" because she often acted as a matchmaker for her single friends but was running out of people to match them with. Beeny estimates that people would have had at least 25 dates before they meet someone they click with.

In Metro Manila, there is a big change in the scene today. As one goes around the "in" places, it is no longer surprising to see a bunch of SALTRY women unescorted and paying for their own drinks. Or going Dutch treat with male buddies who they are not romantically linked with. Not so in the past, when straight-laced women would not dare go out alone without dates. It’s truly a refreshing change for the modern Filipino woman.

There is life after the death of a relationship. There is light at the end of the tunnel for the Single After a Long-Term Relationship. Take heart, SALTRYs. You will find your match one day.