Oh, the horror!
There are real fears — mine are snakes, getting stuck in a bathroom cubicle with no way out, and next year’s presidential elections. And then there are things that aren’t really scary, but throw off your game so you fight or avoid it. For me, it’s losing at Taboo and an open bar that’s run out of drinks (the worst). In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve noted down some things that gives me the creeps. This list has slightly diminished to Things That Cause Me Anxiety, but the panic is real, folks. The panic is real.
The surely packed halloween parties
Subconsciously, I probably didn’t plan a costume, much less think about it, because I’ve been leaning towards ditching Halloween altogether this year. Last week, a friend asked me where we should maybe head out for the festivities and I drew a blank. “Valkyrie…?” she reluctantly asked. Do I really wanna go to Valkyrie? Or Black Market, where crowds have thickened within the last year (did you see that anniversary turnout??)? Or every other establishment that will throw a party?
Don’t get me wrong. If Halloween is your jam, then by all means. It’s a great holiday. I’ve had my fun with it even if my costumes were lame. But I’m not sure about trying to get past the lines, or nonstop calling your friend who’s already inside to get you in, or if squeezing myself among a sea of bodies to get to point A to B is still my thing. How to even take a squad photo when can’t find your squad? I’m excited to see every chick who will dress up as Ariana Grande though.
Taylor swift welcoming a new friend onstage
Surely you’ve heard of the #1989Tour? I don’t believe you haven’t. Did you not see her video singing Smelly Cat with Lisa Kudrow? What about when she sang Complicated with Avril Lavigne? I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith? The list goes on — really, it can. Taylor Swift has cherry-picked every pop culture moment from the last two decades for the consumption of her fan base, by simply packaging her tour guests as her friends. Bet she’s nonstop calling Drake on his cellphone right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if Malia Obama joins her onstage next. Or maybe the president himself. But Taylor, the person we really wanna see up there with you is Calvin Harris. #happyending
Another millennial in the workplace article
Let me put this in the words of Lindsay Lohan: Why can’t you just let me do the things I wanna do, I just wanna be me I don’t understand why would you wanna bring me down? I’m only having fun. I’m gonna live my life (but not the way you want me to). And, chorus: I’m tired of rumors starting, I’m sick of being followed… Why can’t they let me LIVE? I’m gonna do it my way take this for just what it is.
Thank you.
Kanye west doing fashion
Listen to the kids, Kanye. I’m still a kid (kind of). I’d like to support your presidential bid instead.
I know your pal Olivier Rousteing said in a New Yorker story that critics don’t matter, but they do. It’s not too late to reconsider. Or as a compromise, you can be creative director and delegate the head designer post?
Man repelling
Listen, if you have to call your outfit man repelling, it’s probably not. Just like christening someone an “it” girl these days, “man repeller” as an adjective sounds kind of archaic. It’s also like saying “chic” over and over — the more you say it, the less it means. Even Leandra Medine herself has transitioned the term to embody a way of being, versus just being a look of sorts. On one hand, sure, it’s empowering to acknowledge that you repel men simply by wearing a certain pair of trousers, but on the other, you also make them feel superior because you allow their point of view about how women should dress to determine how you dress. Plus, it’s 2015 — we should be getting over assigning gender roles to our clothes. If the guy you’re dating openly hates on your cute looks, then he sucks and he doesn’t deserve you.
The cherry-picked lives of the insta-famous
We used to take things for their face value, now we take them for their screen value. Fame is now a byproduct of being really good at taking pictures and curating a pleasant, consistent “aesthetic.” I think about how much a copy of Kinfolk or Cereal costs, and seeing it on a flatlay, and the ROI of that purchase. I’ve heard about people packing extra outfits to “extend” their trips online. Why are we trying to win people over with a GoPro and an expensive vacay? I don’t know. If our early innovators had to contend with this, I reckon less would be done. I just hope it leaves space for real influencers to navigate this quantity-dependent world.
