Tacky gifts for the tasteless rich

MANILA, Philippines - First, a disclaimer. I don’t know who Jeanne Lim-Napoles is and I know even less about how her parents earn their money. As far as I’m aware, the only reason why she was a hot topic on my feed this week is because she has a bunch of photos wearing Hérve Léger bandage dresses (did they still sell those?) and YSL Tributes, sporting accessories like a Chanel clutch and a Hublot watch, alongside celebrities like Justin Bieber, Blake Lively and Justin Timberlake. Also, she happens to be the daughter of Janet Lim-Napoles, the alleged brains behind the P10-billion pork barrel scam, which involved siphoning money from the government in order to fund nonexistent NGO projects.

It’s easy to take some girl’s selfies out of context and accuse her of theft and tackiness — it should be noted that her mother has yet to be convicted, though the NBI is gearing up for an investigation following the sworn statements of six whistle-blowers. However, if the online lynch mob’s vitriol directed towards her turns out to be misplaced, then we’ll have shamed a poor girl devoted to bandage dresses, even though they wore out their welcome in 2009. But even if she doesn’t turn out to be our culprit, we are aware that there are people who do deserve this platform of public humiliation (Tim Garcia, we know you’re still out there sporting that $1,000 Hermès Collier de Chien). To these people, we say: If you’re going to spend our money, at least try to develop some good taste. If not, then go all-out with spectacularly bad taste. Here are a few suggestions to help you along:

The Abaya dress by Debbie Wingham

One day you may tire of having a closet full of Hérve Léger and when that day comes, you’ll want to know that you have other wardrobe options. Check out this $17.7 million dress by designer Debbie Wingham, whose celebrity fans include Kate Winslet, Hilary Swank and Dita von Teese. The caftan is embellished with 50 two-carat black diamonds, 50 two-carat white diamonds, 1,899 black-and-white pointer diamonds and 1,000 pointer rubies, all set in 14-karat gold. The center of dress also features a rare red diamond, valued at $7.6 million.

Diamond shoes by Kathryn Wilson

Your outdated YSL Tributes may not be the best match for your Abaya dress, so you’ll want to go with something with a little more impact. You might find the perfect shoe in this $500,000 pair by New Zealand footwear designer, Kathryn Wilson. Handmade with 21.18 diamond carats, not even Marie Antoinette was shod this well (her slippers only fetched $65,600 in an auction). While these shoes were already auctioned off for charity, at least you have a peg.

Judith Leiber clutch

Now that everybody has seen you carrying that Chanel caviar clutch in cream, there’s no way you should be seen toting that old thing again. If you truly want to astound, pick up this crystal-encrusted Pina Colada pattern clutch by Judith Leiber for $4,595. If you buy then decide you don’t like it, maybe you can hand it over to your mom?

The Victoria’s Secret Fantasy bra

You may not look like Alessandra Ambrosio while sporting this number, but at least you know in your heart what you have that she probably doesn’t: a $2.5 million Floral Fantasy underwear set by Victoria’s Secret. Created with amethysts, sapphires, tsavorite, rubies, white, pink and yellow diamonds, all set in 18-karat rose and yellow gold, it also features two removable diamond flower pins and a drop centerpiece featuring a 20-carat white diamond.

Black diamond nail polish by Azature

Lugging around all those diamonds on your person can get pretty tiring, so on days when you want to explore the concept of being “low-key,” you can sport a black diamond manicure. Azature manufactures luxe lacquers infused with 267 carats worth of black diamonds, with each bottle available for $250,000 a pop. Deborah Lippmann probably makes a similar-looking nail polish, but that won’t burn your money fast enough.

Custom-made iPhone 5 by Stuart Hughes

The thing with crazy expensive mobile phones is that you can’t take a selfie while holding them. Ugh. #Richkidproblems aside, nothing boasts status (and lack of creativity) like a $15.3 million custom-made iPhone 5 by Stuart Hughes. Featuring a handmade 24-carat solid-gold chassis with an inlay of 600 white diamonds, it also includes an Apple logo made with 53 white diamonds and a home button crafted out of a single, deep-cut 26-carat black diamond worth $14.5 million. Just don’t ask us what to do with it when you see the light and opt for an Android.