Crimes against your lady bits

MANILA, Philippines - The other week YStyle editor Bea Ledesma called out the “misogynistic corporate douchebags” behind Lactacyd Intimate White, the feminine wash that promised to safely whiten your cooch in four weeks. As if. However, that product is far from being the first crime against womanity. Corporate douchebags have been douches as early as the ‘30s when they pushed actual vaginal douches to women. One frightening but very real example is Lysol — as in the same toxic, flammable antimicrobial spray we use today, except during those days, their advertisements said things like, “Keep desirable by douching regularly with Lysol.” You can’t make this stuff up. Not only that, Lysol was the leading form of birth control from 1930 to 1960 (advertisements led women to believe that post-coital douching with Lysol prevented unwanted pregnancies) before the American Medical Association halted the practice due to reports of severe inflammation and death. No one asked why it took 30 years for them to figure that out.

While we’d all like to believe that we can move on from that episode, apart from whitening and douching, there are a host of other things that marketers would like you to do with your vagina and the rest of your body. While these things aren’t nearly as fatal, the oddest part is that corporate douches had nothing to do with most of these products because they were created by women. Hey, what you do down there is nobody’s business. If Vajazzling is your thing, that’s weird, but so be it. But let’s not compare vaginas the way we compare cup sizes, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.

The Cuchini

As much as we’d love to say that this is an Italian dish, it’s not. According to their website, the Cuchini “is a reusable, lightweight and comfortable pad that adheres to undergarments and clothing with clear, double-sided fashion tape to eliminate what is commonly known as Camel Toe.” The inventors of the Cuchini wear it with a bikini, yoga pants and other tight-fitting bottoms. It isn’t clear whether the Cuchini sticks to your underwear or to, well, your cuchini (or both?) and if it’s washable (if not, gross!). How is it reusable, especially if you wore it to the beach or to yoga class? Also, wouldn’t it just be easier to stop wearing clothing that is obviously too tight for you?

Betty Beauty

Nancy Jarecki, founder of Betty Beauty hair dye wrote on her website, “Obviously, all blondes in the world want to be true blondes. Redheads and dark-haired women, their natural true color, too. I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind.” Here’s the thing: She wasn’t referring to the hair on your head. She was talking about matching your curtains to your carpet. Betty Beauty even offers a hot pink, aqua blue, red and purple dyes because there’s nothing sexier than punk pubic hair.

My New Pink Button

Ladies, not only is there dye for your pubic hair, there’s also dye for your lady parts. According to their website, “My New Pink Button is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. This patent-pending formula was designed by a female certified paramedical esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss.” They don’t stop there. My New Pink Button comes in four shades: Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger and Audry with descriptions like “Think of that favorite lipstick you wear for those dressy black tie affairs and think ‘Bettie.’ This shade blends with a woman’s own skintone to bring out that sexy, hot pink, I-am-fired-up, look.” Um, no thank you.

Naughty Nads

If you thought vaginal redecoration ended with Vajazzling, think again: the Naughty Nads Bikini Design Kit offers you a completely different, albeit rip-roaringly painful way of adorning your most holy of holies. “Surprise that special someone or simply indulge your inner wickedness by personalizing your most intimate region.” Unless of course, he’s seen someone else sporting the Landing Strip, Bermuda Triangle, Heart Breaker and Thunder Struck designs. In that case, we guess it isn’t so personal after all.

18 Again!

Have you ever been irritated at your lazy, old vagina? The makers of Indian vaginal rejuvenation cream 18 Again seem to think so. On their website, they write that a “lax vagina” may lead to “loss of self-confidence” and “stress and irritability.” Fortunately, their product can help your vagina werq it again because “18 Again addresses intimate feminine concerns of women. It helps in the rejuvenation of the vagina by tightening it in a natural way. It is a product that provides true women empowerment.” Please. Who wrote this copy? Carla Bruni? The ad for the product even features a woman dancing around her husband, proclaiming that she felt like a virgin again. We even have a semi-local version called Cleoplus Virginity Soap. Whatever happened to good ol’ Kegels? If your husband starts complaining about you being lax down there, we say it’s fair game for you to whine about his lax southern regions too.