Top 5 real sosy problems

MANILA, Philippines - I had high hopes for the Metro Manila Film Festival entry Sosy Problems since I’ve been following @ConyoProblems on Twitter, the inspiration behind the film. I thought it would be a treat to watch a bunch of trying hard social climbers get ridiculed on the silver screen. I was a little confident GMA films and their competent team of writers and researchers might deliver something not only entertaining but something that could open up a healthy discussion on social classes since the hash tag inspired flick was produced by the same folks who gave me more required movies to watch in high school like Jose Rizal. Who am I kidding? I wanted to check out the fashion more than anything else.

Watching Sosy Problems with a sosy friend

Sosy Problems is about four female friends from the upper crust of Manila society who are on a mission to save their exclusive hangout from being demolished and taken over by the tacky and ruthless new-rich developers. The plot enough was interesting for me to spend almost two hours of my life inside the theater. Since I am not in a position to dictate what is sosy (I do not own a single designer bag, a European car or have a private banker on speed dial. Translation = not sosy.), I dragged my certified-by-society sosy friend to watch the movie with me as my classy authority. Like a true Manila princess, said friend, who refuses to be identified in this article, insisted on paying and brought her Nanny with us. (The Ritzy Nanny was not that impressed by the movie, by the way.)

#Unsosy

Admittedly, the first part of the movie was entertaining, especially when the character of Ruffa Gutierrez described each segment of society and introduced the main characters. But towards the end, I felt like I needed to watch Shawshank Redemption as penance. I could have had a more productive time in a Bel Air salon and got the same juice while getting my legs waxed. The emphasis on these rich girls being so dumb was just too much. To quote the person behind me at the 8:15 p.m. screening in Greenbelt 3, “Hindi sosyal yon, engot yon!” I cry for the rich girls who bust their asses in their family businesses or at graduate school only to be judged as dumb.

Not to mention all the un-sosy fashion-related things that flashed before me. I may not be part of Vanity Fair’s best-dressed list, but the whole time I was watching the movie, I kept thinking, “Bakit hindi sila mukhang mayaman na mayaman?” Even my sosy friend agrees that you don’t see anybody walking around any country club in the world decked out like she’s ready to be part of a rap video. The overall styling made the characters look like awful amateur fashion bloggers who decided to wear 50 items from their loot all at the same time when nobody was looking. Like the movie’s continuity, the styling needed a lot of editing. If the goal of the stylist was to exaggerate –– like the girls’ maarte delivery of their lines –– then congratulations! You brought “chav” back with a cup of campy.

Aside from the styling, the movie had a rather embarrassing fashion IMDB-worth goof that made us wonder if Google is blocked at the GMA Films office. A local jewelry designer told me that a custom-made snakeskin Birkin bag does not exist, in response to Cherie Gil’s memorable sound bite, “Choose your friends wisely because you’ll never know kung sino sa kanila ang ahas. The only snake you should keep is a custom-made snakeskin Birkin bag.”

Nevertheless, I give the producers props for the effort, from providing the horses of Lizzie Consunji to the Ilonggo accent of Glory Ortega. To be frank, I don’t mind a second installment just to fix the sequencing and styling. Here are some of the real sosy problems I’d love to see. GMA Films, you’re welcome, but try to shoot all the important scenes on time next time.

Drugs

Thanks to PDEA, we’ve been hearing a lot about rich kids getting busted for drugs. And since we only see the Hollywood version of kids abusing and mug shots of so-called rich kids on TV Patrol, it would be nice to see how the sosy avoid getting caught (do they order pee from Urine Luck?) or with all the money they have, why are they taking drugs or how do they solve the problem? (Rehab in Europe?)

Cheating

Thanks to cable shows Cheaters and Jerry Springer-esque local show Face-to-Face, we have an idea of how people with not a lot of money address cheating: a lot of spying in shady motels, name-calling and slap fests. For moneyed people, we only get to read about confrontations in department stores, uploading sex videos online, gun toting in clubs and eloping in countries we’ve never heard of on gossip columns. For this sosy problem, we’d like to see more of Glory Ortega, played by the beautiful Miss Agot Isidro (but with a better Ilonggo accent), and frenemy, the forever-young Cherie Gil.

Wedding planning

I bet a lot of people wonder what kind of problems arise when rich people in Manila get married since they don’t have to worry about the usual budget. Believe me, all weddings do! Except for sosy weddings, things are more complicated. Based on my sosy friends’ experiences, the usual problems are obeying their parents’ wishes to put up a Manila circus for show over a pricey, but low-profile destination wedding. It could also be the lack of their dream suppliers on this side of the planet (like Beyoncé or a Swarovski-encrusted elephant perhaps?) or finding time to go to the US for a gown fitting. It would be fun to watch Claudia Ortega (played by Heart Evangelista) get hitched, probably with senators as her groom and Godmother. Okay, I’m pushing it.

Studying abroad

Most, if not all, sosy kids have the opportunity or are even required by their parents to study abroad as early as high school. It’s a sosy problem for many to move out of their homes after being pampered for many years to live in their home abroad with one yaya or if they’re not that sosy, alone in their dorm. For this problem, I’d like to see Lizzie Consunji played by Rhian Ramos move to another country. And since deep down she has a good heart and had a Barangay Sapang Bato experience, throw in a semester in Africa for more action. I can’t wait for a voiceover scene on her fish-out-of-water experience. It would also be nice to see her rude awakening since a lot of the sosy kids turn into hampas lupa next to their schoolmates whose parents are on the actual Forbes Billionaires list.

Crash course in local politics

There are sosy affluent people who decide they want to help more by serving the people. Translation: they want to run for office. It’s amazing how sosy people hire a team to give them a crash course on winning an election and get votes from their constituents. From dancing to the latest Lito Camo tune, to speaking in their local dialect and kissing babies, this is a problem fit for Danielle Alvarez (played by Bianca King) if she decides to follow her politician father’s footsteps.

Old rich versus new rich

I do not approve of how the Chinese were portrayed in the movie. Well, maybe because I’m Filipino-Chinese and, oh c’mon, most of them are self-made. But, in reality I noticed it is a favorite pastime of many old rich to make fun of the new rich. This is the part where I want to see Team “Assets” vs. Team “Cash” slug it out. Maybe they can cast Marian Rivera next time. Or Kylie Padilla, who can pass for a stunning classy Chinita heiress who can kick some ass.