Ungirly gifts: Anything but lip balm

MANILA, Philippines - My friend @fishpeep tweeted, “Lip balms are the new mugs.” I completely agree. I was going to give her one, too, but obviously now I can’t. Inside bags of unwrapped presents in my closet are about a dozen lip balms — one for the officemate I hardly know but is nice to me, another one that has more glitter, for another officemate who I think might like glitter, and a ton of others for the “just in case” cases — people I’ve forgotten to get presents for but who remembered to get one for me. Ah, holiday gift-giving. When did it get so complicated?

After seeing that tweet I realized I’m being quite the lazy Scrooge for not making an effort to find better gifts. There’s more to girls, after all, than the contents of their vanity clutches. Here’s a revised version of my Christmas list for all my girls, naughty and nice:

The panic button: Memory pillow

You look up to her. You’ve had inappropriately loud discussions with her. You’ve cried in front of her. And you have her number on speed dial because she’s just so good at listening and you think she’s some kind of fairy godmother. The panic button in your life deserves a break — from work and from you. If the remote control from that movie Click actually existed, I would get her that so she can just put me on “mute.” But it doesn’t so I’m giving her a memory pillow — only on paper because this is ridiculously expensive — so I can get a good night’s sleep!

The hopeless romantic: The Sarcastic Ball

She’s the friend who calls you in the middle of the night to tell you about a boy, the one you can talk to about your “It’s Complicated”s over crepes and orange mocha lattes. I don’t indulge in girl talk much, frankly because my life’s just that uneventful, and when I do send her a text message that simply reads: “Waaaah!” she doesn’t always have the answers (like she should!) This Sarcastic 8-Ball, so very ‘80s, so our time, will be sitting with us at the coffee shop, responding to our questions with “Yeah, right” or “Ask me if I care.”

She-who-has-it-all: Anything but lip balm

This one’s tricky. Whatever you think of giving her, she can get for herself. So it all comes down to knowing what she likes — but then again, if she likes something so much, wouldn’t she already have it? All over gift guides in magazines this month is the Hermés Padlock Perfume Case, an upsized version of the signature Hermés padlock. It’s under $100, which is still quite extravagant so this person better be special or, at the very least, nice to you. But it’s such a generic, though luxurious gift. My second best bet: the Condé Nast Traveler Book of Unexpected Journeys, a collection of essays by travel writers on exotic destinations.

The glam fairy: The Body Shop The Sparkler in Enchanting Gold

This girl is not girly — she is beyond girly. She is a larger than life woman of trannyish proportions. Last year, I bought my Glam Fairy — a friend I can rely on to spend roaming rates on me just to tell me that there’s a sale at some mall in Korea and ask me, “Do you want a bag?” — a layered, gold chain necklace. She likes her things shiny, her stuff monogramed and her gifts bought especially for her. She used it to decorate her Speedy. It’s been chained to the poor bag the whole year. My guess is she’ll spray this sparkler on her hair to look like a mermaid. Another option: Guerlain Liu Perfumed Shimmer Powder for Face and Body.

The tattooed voyager: The Map of Tolkien’s Middle Earth by Brian Sibley

She’s the friend you never get to talk to because she’s always out of the country, away at some exotic place because “she just needs to escape.” But you can rely on her to be your travel buddy, especially on last-minute, bank-breaking adventures that get you into shenanigans like spending the night at airports, hunting down hidden Warhols at hotels, and cooking chicken satay with strange Norwegians. May this book serve as motivation (for us both) to save up for our next adventure.

The honorary girl: Neonomicon by Allan Moore

“He’s actually a boy?!” you’ve thought to yourself one too many times. Every girl should have that one friend who’s actually a boy but can stand in for a girl friend any time. He’s insensitive, brutally honest about your life and wardrobe choices, and always ready to make light of otherwise grim circumstances. Just like your girl friends. This one surely won’t appreciate lip balm. Allan Moore’s Neonomicon, a Lovecraft-laden graphic novel banned in public libraries for being NSFW and not safe for human beings below the age of 18, should be less emasculating.