The worst trends of 2011

2011 shaped up to be an eventful year: full of blinding color block ensembles, flashy footwear that looked like some mad experiment cooked up by a Frankenstein designer (a hybrid Steve Madden-Jeffrey Campbell-Michael Antonio) and strange partnerships (and we’re not talking Versace). Here, a rundown of trends to send to the retirement home.

The over-done platform

They’re over-designed, over-done and just plain done. Even Manolo (or Mr. Blahnik to some) called them vulgar. The clunky wedge, hooker heel and Gaga-esque shoe look like a bad exclamation point to an otherwise tolerable ensemble. Who needs a personality when you’ve got terrible clomping shoes to make all the noise for you? Time to let the terribly tacky and outre footwear go the way of the dodo.

The absurdly-cropped top

Why would you want to show everyone you had a big meal for lunch? Except for supermodels and young children (who probably share the same measurements), baring your entire belly to an unsuspecting world is an exercise best left to models who get paid to do it. And it’s particularly unflattering if the crop is somewhere immediately beneath your breasts and above your midsection like you had an inordinately itchy rash and couldn’t wait to untuck your shirt so you took some garden shears to bare your tummy to relieve the itch. Well, that’s probably what we would say if someone caught us outdoors wearing the crop top in question.

Moves like blogger: The uniform pose of anyone with a Tumblr accotunt.

That blogger pose

It’s the legs-together-shoulder-down-It-bag-in-front pose. Anyone with Internet is probably familiar with the pose as every blogger who ever blogged has done it.

Long story short: The perfect piece for indecisive trendy people.

The sheer maxi skirt

If you wanted to bare your legs, maybe shorts would do? Or  here’s a revolutionary idea  how about a mini? This hybrid trend is as irritating as it is ambivalent. Choose one or the other. Short or long. This half-sheer, half-not trend is driving us bananas.

The statement anything

“Pair it with a statement shoe or bag.” We’ve heard this line numerous times but we have yet to understand what that statement actually is. Chances are that statement probably goes along the lines of: “I’m a lemming with no sense of personal style.”

Questionable collaborations

There are collaborations, then there are collaborations for collaboration’s sake  like H&M teaming up with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (which got mediocre reviews) costume designer Trish Summerville for a collection inspired by the hoodie-clad hacker Lisbeth Salander. Because the world really needs more hoodies.

Colored fur

Prada had its moment with its colored fox stoles. Now that moment needs to end.

Wearing fur in the Philippines, for that matter

Yeah, unless you’re headed somewhere really cold (air-conditioner-aided temperatures not included) like a locale in the middle of winter, best to keep the faux fur stored in the closet.

Wearing hand sanitizer outside of bag

We understand the need for immediate access to sterilizing solutions if you work in the medical industry. Anyone else not in the industry needs to stow that crap inside their purses like the rest of humanity.

Sleepwear as outerwear

We understand. We have a hard time getting out of our daster before heading out to conquer the world, work or even Bon Chon. But if we can shuck off our cotton duck-embroidered nighties before heading out, then so can you. Robes, pajamas and nighties for nights on the town just look lazy. They scream: “I’d rather be at home eating popcorn while watching stupid YouTube videos of huskies that can talk than be here.”

Which, you know, might be true, but some truths  like how men’s deodorant is a girl’s best friend during a workout  are best kept to yourself.