Familiar faces and shiny, not-so-happy clothes make for a lackluster show

MANILA, Philippines - Like an old woman desperately clinging to youth in a garish, glittery minidress hoping to mask the ravages of aging, the 2010 MTV Movie Awards was chock-full of the usual attention-getting antics that would’ve made news in, like, 2005, but left most viewers thinking, “I wasted my time on this? I could’ve done something useful instead, like take a shower.”

There was the Tom Cruise-Jennifer Lopez performance, with Lopez anticipating Christmas six months too early in a frock made entirely of tinsel, while Cruise reprised his role in the 2008 film Tropic Thunder, garbed in a fat suit and bald pate, dancing his prosthetic butt off. It would have been mildly amusing had it aired two years ago, now it’s just kind of sad. Couldn’t Hollywood have manufactured something more au courant than a two-year-old joke?

Rumor has it that Cruise is pursuing a Len Grossman vehicle, and one suspects that this MTV performance was his way of jumpstarting bids on the project. That would’ve been wise if only the audience cared. Most viewers were too busy obsessing over the Twilight crew and the upcoming Eclipse to notice anything other than the pale-skinned Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Which brings us to the red carpet, where the pale Twilight twosome were outshined by the orange glory of the Jersey Shore girls. Snookie, decked out in a Dolce & Gabbana dress she shortened herself, looked leagues better than her perma-tanned cohorts (I’m talking about Paris Hilton, mkay?).

Plenty of reality TV stars of MTV’s The Hills and The City showed up, proving that the divide between LA and New York style can be found in the amount of glittery accessory, self-tanned skin and cleavage displayed.

We were blinded by the volume of rhinestones on parade and the number of child stars shedding their Disney image by slipping on perilously-low, breast-baring dresses. We tally the good, the bad and the oh-no-she-didn’t in our red carpet takedown.

Red Carpet Report: The 2010 MTV Movie Awards

Lindsay Lohan

C: She’s on her way to infomercial land.

B: Is this a Golden Girls tribute (RIP, Rue Maclanahan!)? This outfit screams “geriatric ho.”

Johnny Weir

C: Just add a “d” and we’re all done.

B: Few dudes can get away with a Victorian collar ruffle and a Liberace jacket; but then few dudes can skate like this Olympic vet. I think he looks hotter than all the dudes on the red carpet — combined.

Jersey Shore girls

CELINE:  The middle belly of fame becomes them.

BEA: Three vats of self-tanning lotion? $100. A bajillion hair extensions? $500. Looking like an orange Smurf? Priceless.

Christina Aguilera

C: Talk about insecure... Red crapet!

B: Before Lady Gaga, this would’ve been talk-worthy. Now it just looks like she was held up by a rubber bathmat-maker who slapped some chains on her.

Amanda Seyfried

C: Nothing lazy about this lacy ensemble.

B: Lovely girl, forgettable dress. She could learn a thing or two from those Jersey Shore chicks. They’re a hot mess, but you’ll remember them even after a hangover.

Audrina Patridge

C: Too much Vegas in this girl’s Vegas ensemble and the shoes make me want to rhyme ho and go.

B: She’s a walking solar panel.

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron

C: Zzzzzzz...

B: Is it weird if your boyfriend uses more makeup than you? And borrows your tweezers a lot? And, um, your skinny jeans? No? OK, just checking. J

Jessica Biel

C: Far from her Seventh Heaven days and being Timberlake’s arm candy... What a Vogue cover can do!

B: Did Timberlake suddenly become president while I took a six-hour nap today? Because that’s the only reason why Biel, who tends to favor more body-con silhouettes, would show up in an aging First Lady dress.

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz

C: They’re suddenly stars again.

B: The twosome is trying to do for their upcoming action flick what Brad and Angelina did for Mr. and Mrs. Smith (minus the, well, adultery — hey, Jennifer!). Let’s hope Cam’s sunny personality and hot bod (seriously she’s smokin’) inspires Cruise who seems stuck on his Len Grossman schtick. Heller, it’s 2010. Tropic Thunder is so two years ago.

Scarlet Johansson

C: Red hot in green.

B: She could make a sack look hot. Ah the travails of the young and beautiful.

Whitney Port

C: Move over, little bitch Olivia.... Nice girls may end up on welfare! Well this nice girl is well played.

B: Except for her dress, which looks like freeze-dried banana peels stapled on some gauze, The City star looks cute.

Katy Perry

C: Russel Brand is a bad influence.

B: Malibu Barbie on an acid trip.

Kristen Stewart

C: Tight + sequins equals Twilight of disaster.

B: This outfit is almost as awkward as her acting.

Eva Mendes

C: She is trying too hard to fight her hotness. Advice: Just go with it!

B: Like the perfect summer day, she looks hot, fun and sunny.