Leaked emails from Santa Claus
With the Internet going completely insane and out of control, stealing private photos and hacking into Hollywood movie studios, it’s no surprise that online trolls eventually got into the account of the enigmatic and elusive Santa Claus. Here now, exclusively obtained by Young STAR, are some of St. Nick’s private emails.
Subject: Quit it.
Dear Easter Bunny,
Stop sending me invites to add you on LinkedIn. I politely declined it the first time you emailed me. I remember I even asked you again to quit it during Tooth Fairy’s party last week. Are you doing this just to piss me off? I have a lot on my plate and Christmas is almost here. I don’t have time for your BS, all right? Stop it. If I get another one of these invites, I’m going to come over there and crack all the eggs in your basket.
P.S. LinkedIn is the worst and your holiday is stupid.
- Santa
Sent from my iPhone
To: People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals
Subject: Animal Cruelty Allegations
Dear PETA,
I’ve heard from several of my colleagues that you are concerned about the reindeer I keep in my employ. If you are wondering if they are being kept safe and properly cared for, please rest assured that any and all allegations regarding this matter are completely unfounded. I am on top of everything and have always treated my reindeer like they were my own children.
Yours truly,
Santa Claus
To: MamaClaus@northpole.com
Subject: FW: Animal Cruelty Allegations
Hey Bae,
Did you see what I wrote to those PETA d-bags? I don’t know which one of our stupid reindeer are talking but we need to lock this whole thing down. We can’t afford another incident like we had with Frosty. I got a feeling it’s that stupid Prancer who’s been yapping. I hear that one’s got a really big mouth and we need to shut it. If they’re still at it, just remind them how Rudolph got his red nose again, okay? That should keep them in line. Also, please go check on the elves. They could also be in on this. Never did trust those dumb little hobbit rejects. Thanks, babe. Miss you. Can’t wait to see you after all this Christmas crap is over. Looking forward to some of your milk and cookies. ;p
Xoxo,
Big Daddy Nick
To: seniorelf@christmasinc.com
Subject: Naughty List
Elf,
I’m sure Mrs. Claus has already talked to you about the PETA incident, so I won’t talk about that further. I just wanted that handled accordingly and immediately. Anyway, given certain events the past few weeks, I have decided that gift operations for the following people be ceased immediately. These changes are final. There will be no further discussions on this.
Move to Naughty List:
Bill Cosby
The dad from 7th Heaven
The entire security staff of New Bilibid Prison
People who still say YOLO
Easter Bunny
-Santa
Sent from my iPhone
To: seniorelf@christmasinc.com
Subject: UPDATED Naughty List
Elf,
I feel bad for Dr. Huxtable. Is there anything we can do to not put Bill Cosby on the Naughty list? These idiots on social media keep pressuring me to take him off the Nice list and now I want to put him back on. I’m sure the guy did something nice, right? Anyway, see to it that this be resolved on the DL and don’t show this email to anyone, you got that?
- Santa
Sent from my iPhone
Subject: You up?
Hey girl,
It’s your Secret Santa. Where have you been? Last I saw you was at your party and we haven’t gotten together since. I’m starting to wonder if you’re back with Easter Bunny now. Please don’t do anything that crazy. He can’t love you like I do. If you’re worried about Mrs. Claus, don’t worry. That old hag doesn’t suspect a thing. She’s too busy keeping those elves working. I left my tooth under the pillow for you last night but you never showed. What’s up with that? The North Pole’s cold as it is, so I’m going to need you soon to keep me warm. I want you so bad, boo. So bad.
- Santa
Sent from my iPhone
To: jesus@prayingiscool.com
Subject: HBD
Hey Jesus,
Happy birthday in advance, bro. Yes, it’s me. I know we haven’t talked in a while and we’ve been rocky at best. This has been a long time coming so please let me set the record straight.
Yes, the rumors are true. I did tell people I was now more popular than you a couple of years ago. I was going through a lot then. It was the ‘90s after all and I was dealing with some stuff. Mostly weight issues but I’m not here to list down excuses because I said what I said and I regret it. I apologize for saying those things. You were here for me from the very beginning and you helped me way back when I was just starting out. You weren’t selfish at all and I know that this season means so much to you. I’m sorry for being cocky and trying to make Christmas all about me. I’m sorry too that I said no one really goes to church anymore. Of course, they do! Your people love you, man. They love you for who you are. They only like me when I give them presents and I guess that’s why I said all those things. Deep down, I’m jealous of you. I’m jealous of your honesty, your charisma, and your heart. And don’t even get me started on your abs, lol! Anyway, all kidding aside, you deserve a better Santa Claus than the one you’ve seen these last few years. I hope that you can forgive me and put me back on your Nice list one day. Say hi to your mother for me.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus
