Seven relatives you meet during Filipino Christmas reunions

From crazy titas to entitled cousins, a rundown of weird relatives you might run into this Christmas.

MANILA, Philippines - Christmas break is upon us. And guess what? You’re finally done  with school for the year! We believe that the best way to spend your break is with your friends and family, which only means one thing: Christmas parties. While celebrating the holidays with your friends over a box of delivery pizza is fun, family reunions are a bit more interesting.

Full of lechon, fruit salad and side comments about your weight gain, Filipino family reunions can range from crazily sitcom-worthy to depressingly disastrous. If you’re lucky, you can end up with a wallet full of pamasko before the night ends. If not, then at least you have something to write in your “What did you do during Christmas vacation?” essay assignment.

This week in Young STAR, we list down the seven relatives you meet during Filipino Christmas reunions. Because the thing with disasters is, it always pays to be prepared.

Tita who always says that you gained weight

It usually starts mild. She reaches for your cheeks the moment she enters the room. “Ang lusog-lusog mo na,” she says. You ignore the first wave of comments about your fat cheeks but it just escalates during dinner. “Last na lechon mo na yan ah. Mag-dyeta ka na baka maging lumba-lumba ka,” she adds. It would’ve been fine if you didn’t spend your nights working your butt off.  We get it, tita. We gained weight. But it’s Christmas; there’s nothing wrong with embodying Santa during the holidays.

Tito who wants to recruit you to his successful company

He’s the tito in an awkward turtleneck, golden chain necklace and big rings. He always corners your dad during inuman to talk about his company’s financial trends and latest products. You try to dodge his efforts to talk about your college and career plans because Christmas break isn’t really the best time to think about the future. But he talks about it anyway and makes plans for you like he’s your guidance counselor. All of a sudden, you have a job (which you’re sure you’ll hate) waiting at his company before the night ends.

Lola who bugs you about having grandchildren

We don’t know if it’s part of growing old, but a lot of lolas love seeing babies in the family. All your aunts are already past the birthing age and you’re the eldest female in the family. In the eyes of your lola, you’re an apo-giving machine. She sits down beside you (with a bonus sad face) and says, “tumatanda na ko. Kailan ka ba magkaka-anak?” Having your own child would be totally cool, if only you weren’t in school and you had a boyfriend.

Lolo who tells stories about his teenage glory years

Discussing current affairs over dinner is unavoidable. We don’t know why but some lolos have a talent for relating their past experiences to whatever’s being discussed at the table. Your lola asks you about your love life? He has the perfect story for that. The phrase “noong kapanahunan ko…” is enough to drive away the kids from the dinner table. We’re not saying that hearing stories about ‘60s is the worst thing in the world. If only he hasn’t told the same story for the last six Christmas reunions…

Baby cousin who always has the latest technology

There is probably a kid in your family who is hunched over her iPhone 6 Plus in one corner of the room. Didn’t you just see her a few months ago with an iPhone 5S? You can’t help but get jealous. When you were her age, you had a box full of Lego and a 99-in-1 video game. But you can’t blame the little girl. This is the generation she grew up in. If only you can convince her to play patintero outside and teach her the wonders of being young and active.

Cousin who keeps on asking for your hot friends’ numbers

As if Tinder is not enough to keep one’s dating game strong, there will always be a cousin who will sit down beside you (probably during karaoke so your parents won’t hear what you’re talking about) and ask about your hot friends. Not that you don’t want your cousin to have a blooming love life (because you do want cute pamangkins), but you know too much about his history and his Tinder adventures. It’s best to keep your friends close and your cousin away from them.

Ninong or ninang who likes the pre-gift giving suspense

Christmas reunions wouldn’t be complete without exchanging gifts. Just like your baby cousins, you’re probably anticipating the moment your ninang gives out the red envelopes she’s been waiving around the moment she arrived at your house. Your eyes sparkle when she hands you your envelope and says, “Madami kang mabibili dyan sa H&M. Haha, enjoy!” Suddenly, that Alexander Wang x H&M top you’ve always wanted flashes in your mind. And then you open it. To find one P20 bill. Confused, you look at her and her reaction just reads “Happy April Fool’s.” Now, we’re all grateful for the generosity of our ninongs and ninangs. But, please, spare us the trickery. We have April 1st for that.