Adios, summer boys

From the friends with benefits to those drunken makeouts in #Laboracay, here are seven summer flings you might want to leave at the beach.

Don’t get me wrong, summer flings are fun. Even old timers such as yours truly have had at least one worth writing about.

I met him at a friend’s party, on the first week of April. He was a couple of years older than me, mysterious and brooding, and had the same ambiguous mixed race vibe that I thought made celebs like Sam Ajdani hot. (Okay, that is a supreme stretch, but you get it.) We weren’t dating — not really — because it was more like hanging out. With feelings. Mostly mine.

It was a summer of him vacillating between sweet and surly, and me wondering just what the hell we were doing. Needless to say it ended and not very well (because if it did, would I still be wasting time with you losers? Jokes) but you know what, it wasn’t totally bad. I’m just glad that it ended when June finally rolled in, because like the seven types of summer flings I’ve listed below, he wasn’t the kind of guy you’d expect to weather the storm with. (Pardon the #cheese.) That isn’t to say one should never let one’s self have a good old-fashioned holiday romance, but you know, the limit does exist for these relationships.

The drunken encounter

We get it. It’s Laboracay and you just wanna have fun with your girl space friends. You’re throwing your hands up in the air because you “f*cking love this song” when this smarmy jackhole slides into your personal space. You follow him to the bar and let him buy you another rum coke in case he might look cute-ish in better lighting. The conversation is decent at best and his slobber makes you retch, but the night after you find yourself doing the same thing??? Girl, please. That “I was like, so wasted” excuse has an expiration date, y’know.

The gym crush

On paper, there’s nothing wrong with him. From the 631 #gymselfies you’ve stalked on his Instagram, you’ve become well acquainted with the limited range of his attractive angles. The boy’s got some guns on him, though, and you’ve found yourself drooling all over the StairMaster as you watch him lift weights in front of a mirror. When he finally asks you out, you realize that he’s nothing but a human protein shake. Sure, it may be good for you, but do you really want that in your mouth?

The douchey classmate

Smoldering from three rows away, this summer class cutie-pie makes you wonder if the sun is really the hottest thing around. He flirts with your professor to get away with skipping a quiz, and gives you a self-assured nod when you catch him making yosi with his friends at the nearby Starbucks. Holding hands over remedial Calculus was fun, but does spending the rest of the year with a guy who will “cutely” ask you for the answers to that Biology midterm sound fun? Don’t let that dimple fool you; this guy’s a guaranteed heartbreaker.

The friend with benefits

Let’s be real, who doesn’t enjoy some HOHOL with a bit of MOMOL? He’s the consummate gentleman, he loves your friends (because you’re all friends!), and he’s fun to hang out with. Gosh, darn. Why don’t you just date? This guy claims to just enjoy having you around, though, no commitments. If you’re in the business of deluding yourself into thinking that you can be with this guy without actually being with him, I bid you safe passage. The road to recovery when he finally trades you for a girl he actually likes might even be more agonizing than the sound of Anne Curtis’ singing voice.

The consummate snob

There’s a fine line between a strong opinion and a head up one’s ass, and this guy does not tread lightly. But okay, his Felipe & Sons haircut and Monocle subscription reeled you in. At first you found it attractive that he thinks Mad Men is the only show worth watching on TV (um, he has not heard of the highbrow documentary J’amie Private School Girl?), but when his teasing of your taste stops being an adorable inside joke, you have to wonder… why are you sticking around with this loser?

The online hookup

Thanks to globalization, you can now get in touch with more jerks with the touch of a button. Swiping right on Tinder or finding the guts to send that guy a Grindr-approriate — aka society-inappropriate — message makes it easy for you to be a little more adventurous with your taste in potential partners. When you finally go beyond cyber landian and you actually meet up (don’t say eyeball. Literally no one says eyeball anymore), you find yourself wondering how to break the news to everyone. The fact that you worry about encountering that “How did you meet?” question is kind of a sign that this might not be a relationship for keeps.

The shady cheater

There’s no business like your own business, so whatever you do on your free time is aaaaall up to you. This guy can’t seem to give you a straight answer if his ex is really his ex, and that ambiguity should really be your red flag. Okay, he’s a kindred spirit who will burn hours with you on Viber. We get it, he’s great. But do take note: a guy who’s willing to cheat with you will most likely be willing to cheat on you, too.