How to become a true detective
(Author’s Note: If you haven’t seen True Detective yet, stop reading. Because spoilers.)
The critically acclaimed and widely loved series has come and gone. The killer was found, the murder was solved, and justice was served. But that doesn’t mean the True Detective joyride has to end. For those of you who can’t get enough of the HBO miniseries and always wanted to live out the life of a TV detective, this little guide might help.
Read up on occult fiction
Ever felt like time was nothing more than a flat circle? Then you have the makings of becoming a true detective! Familiarize yourself with The Yellow King, Carcosa, and devil worship, and you might just get all the references to all those murders you’re trying to solve. Learn about everything from “evil spirals†to demonic rituals so you won’t look like an idiot when grown men with animal heads come knocking on your door. Reading up on stories of the occult may lead you to a dangerous path but at least you’ll spot all of the show’s Alan Moore shout-outs! Whenever it gets too much, just sit back, relax, look up at the stars, and make up stories about light versus dark and how that relates to the last 20 years of your life.
Drink all day
Just as it did with occult fiction, True Detective took liberties with its use of beer. Almost every other scene in various parts of the day involves the lead characters drinking some beer. Because apparently, drinking something that may or may not compromise your judgment is what hardboiled detectives do for some reason. Whether you’re looking for Dora Lange’s killer or in the middle of a police interrogation, it won’t hurt to grab a case or two of your favorite ale. Cheers!
Have a unique hobby like beer-can origami
It’s always great to have an artistic side. Just because you’re still a suspect in a serial killing spree you supposedly solved 10 years ago doesn’t mean you have to throw creativity out the window. True Detective showed us the beautiful art of beer-can origami. Impromptu dioramas of a horrific crime scene prove that anything can be immortalized in beer-can art. It’s less elegant than the traditional paper origami but there’s something to be said about using materials that smell like burps and piss, and turning it into the stuff of nightmares. While you can use any kind of beer can, it is preferred to use Lone Star beer cans just so you can employ its star logo to depict dark occult symbols and Satanic pentagrams.
Abandon all forms of hair care
Hair is the least of your priorities when you want to be a true detective. Who cares if you go bald or start looking like a hobo — the spaghetti monster is still out there! A true detective doesn’t concern himself with nonsense like showering or going to the barber. Sure, maybe the loss of hair signifies the loss of respect your wife, your kids, and your peers have for you but it’s okay because there’s always a guy with dirty-Jesus hair you can always lean on. As long as people with bad hair stick together, there’s no murder they can’t solve… give or take 20 years, a whole lot of drugs, and the occasional redneck biker.
Cheat on your wife, mow someone else’s lawn, and be the occasional ninja
Every true detective needs to be a jack-of-all-trades. First, you need to be able to have the balls to cheat on your beautiful wife. Preferably with someone who looks like she came from a Percy Jackson movie. And after your wife forgives you, cheat on her again with another random girl you met at a bar. If cheating isn’t your thing, go ahead and lie. Feel free to speak in half-truths and tell the world that you were in an epic gunfight rescuing little girls. A true detective is also an expert in horticulture. Just like life-peg Rust Cohle, you can mow your partner’s lawn even if he didn’t ask you to. Once you’ve conquered gardening, why not go all-ninja and sneak into a couple of houses in the middle of the night. Is it illegal? Who knows? But it sure looks like a lot of fun. When you’ve done all that and everything else, you can go back to finding The Yellow King.
