Five friends you can live without

Inever thought I’d ever use the word “toxic” to describe someone, but that’s what I found myself calling a girl who used to be my friend.

We shared a few classes together back in college and after that, circumstances seemed to always bring us closer together. We practically saw each other every day, talked all the time, ate a lot of unhealthy food, and in the short span of our acquaintance, had gone through things that decades-old friendships don’t even have to deal with.

Although our friendship has fallen apart since then, I don’t deny that we had a great time together. Still, even back then, I already had  seen warning signs that told me that something was very wrong about my association with this person. I have never known anyone else besides her that people told me to actively befriend. I compromised so many things in my personal and professional life just so we could remain friends.

Looking back, I can’t believe that I thought I could “handle it” by sticking to my guns while going for the ride. Eventually, though, I decided to end the friendship — something I have never, ever had to do. Whereas most of the time, I just sort of fall out of touch with people, I had to tell this girl that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her anymore.

There were a lot of reasons why I decided to do it. To sum it all up, I believe that friends are supposed to act in each other’s best interests. When I realized that this girl and I weren’t doing that for each other anymore, I asked myself, why am I sticking around if that’s the case?

Ending a friendship is kind of like divorce. It’s messy, heartbreaking, and you have to figure out custody over the children. (In this case, it was our common friends.) Much like many marriage stories, I found myself wondering if it would be easier if we just went back to being friends and forgot the whole thing ever happened.

But it did happen, and I figured the best way to proceed was to end things in a peaceful, civil way. We are in our early twenties, for crying out loud. But then this person blocked me (and all the other friends I introduced to her) in all of her social media accounts, and I lost all the respect and fondness I had for our former friendship.

It wasn’t the blocking that I had any beef with, but what she did after that. One of my friends who she must’ve forgotten to block told me that this girl and her own friends trash-talked me on a Facebook thread, which included my name and some pretty nasty lies.

Whatever “cruel things” they were saying about me didn’t matter; if they were going out of their way to talk shit about me, they should’ve at least been clever about it, right? It hurt because it was the curve ball that hit me right in the gut: I never would’ve expected a friend to act so… unfriend-like.

I must warn you, friends like these can be everywhere. And aside from this girl, I’ve encountered at least five in my lifetime. (I’ve summed it up in a list below.) I know it seems like I struck out on finding the perfect friend, but anyone with half a brain will tell you that the perfect friend is just like a horrible One Direction song — it simply does not exist. What I do have are great friends who have never fallen short of giving me love and support, and most of all are always watching my back.

If you’re lucky enough to have such people, don’t let that friendship die out. They’re going to be the ones to bail you out of jail when you get arrested for public twerking. But if you have to deal with a toxic friend, pull out the FO (friendship over) card and get out before the fumes make your brain all fuzzy.

Don’t be like Gretchen Weiners, who hung out with girls who made her miserable just because it was easier than learning how to be happy with other, less cool people. If you do… well, that is so not fetch.

The flaky friend

I admit I can be a bit of a flake sometimes — mostly because when my friends ask for my whereabouts when we are supposed to meet, I’m always conveniently “on my way” when the truth is that I am just on my way to the shower. (Sorry, guys.) But I’ve had friends who make plans but almost always double book you or suddenly go off the grid on the day itself. I don’t even get that; why make plans in the first place? Worst part is, they don’t even apologize, they just add another layer to their pie of lies. (What? I’m hungry.) Perhaps this isn’t the worst friendship offense out there, but it sure deserves one helluva friendtervention.

The user-friendly friend

All friendships require some degree of bartering, right? We share with them our books, we pick them up from the airport when their parents can’t, we eat the food that they ordered… but don’t you just hate the user-friendly person who seems to stick around because of the material things that you can offer? Instead of a friend, they seem to see you as a human ATM, taxi service, and shopping mall all rolled into one. Not to toot my own horn, but I can be very gracious with people I care but sometimes I just wish I could say, “Gurl, please. There is a reason why people get boyfriends.” Just kidding. No one would date you. Kidding again.

The super-clingy friend

Look, it’s hard not to be around people you click with. You talk all the time, you see each other all the time… you’re practically married. You’re awesome together, but there are days when you’d like to be awesome on your own. Yet this friend has no idea what that means. Oy vey. 

I once knew a girl who had zero concept of personal space, and though I primarily enjoyed our closeness, it eventually bugged the hell out of me. I tried to deny that it was an actual problem until she invited herself to a movie date I had with my best friend — that’s when I had to put my foot down. Seriously, clingy friends clearly have no sense of knowing when you feel invaded so there’s no other way but to say it out right: Why are you so obsessed with me???

The bully friend

When you think of a bully, the image that comes to mind is a knuckle-headed 12-year-old who takes your lunch money. While that may be true in Hey! Arnold, growing up in an all-girls school taught me that bullies come in all shapes and forms. They can outright treat you like dirt and make you do their homework or ask you for paper whenever there’s a quiz. But there are also bullies that make you feel that the only way for you to be friends is if you do every deliciously dastardly thing they can come up with, and have no regard for the consequences. It’s a little scary to get mixed up with a friend like that, because you wouldn’t know how to say no, so if I were you, I’d quietly slip away and thank the good Lord that he didn’t turn you into a sociopath. Amen.

The backstabber friend

There really is nothing as horrible as finding out that someone close to you is the cause of your social demise. It can go as bad as having a friend who told everyone that your fart stank up the classroom, to feeding you lies for their vested interest. Personally, I can deal with every type of crappy friend aside from this. After all, why would you continue to hang out with someone who you can’t trust? If you ask me, any friend who betrays your loyalty deserves to have their own Game of Thrones ending, direwolf mauling included.