Vanguards and vidiots

This is the most annoying s*** I’ve ever seen in my life,” said my friend B when we were watching the MTV Video Music Awards earlier this week. He was referring specifically to the performance by Macklemore and friends, but there were other, no less aggravating things about the VMAs too — for example, the acceptance speeches of Macklemore and friends. “Calm the f*** down, guys,” he said. “You’re not winning a Nobel Prize.”

The MTV extravaganza also differed from the Nobel ceremonies in that it featured Justin Timberlake performing every song he ever recorded (briefly accompanied by his backup dancers from ‘N Sync), before being given the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award For People Who Wish They Were As Great As Michael Jackson. To give Timberlake credit though, he did give a shout-out to his former boybandmates. (“They were probably already backstage by the time he said that,” B guessed. “Eating cake or something. And texting.”)

At least there was no question that Timberlake deserved some sort of award, if only for still being relevant, having a sense of humor, and doubling the onstage cuteness quotient when he shared the stage with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (“Kiss! KISS!” I imagine any Filipino members in the audience chanting). The VMAs did raise other questions in my mind though: Like — is there one camera devoted entirely to Taylor Swift reaction shots?

Also: Was Daft Punk really in attendance, or just two random guys in robot helmets, secretly sipping vodka through hidden helmet straws? How did Macklemore get this far doing watered-down Atmosphere? Are One Direction actually time travelers who journeyed here from the ‘90s, to achieve success after all the rest of their boy band ilk died out? And damn, Chilli — the C in TLC — still got abs. (That last one was not a question, just an observation I felt compelled to make.)

It says something that the best thing about this year’s VMAs was the opening performance by Lady Gaga. (Even B says that, and he hates Lady Gaga.) Talk about peaking early. Points to Bruno Mars for really being able to sing though, and having songwriting chops as well.

What got people talking and tweeting afterwards, though, was of course Miley Cyrus’s twerk-tastic performance. It kind of reminded me of being in college again, and only being able to afford strip clubs in grimy Cubao alleyways where getting stabbed was considered lucky, if only because it was not so high on the list of worst things that could happen to you. The strippers didn’t tend to grab their crotches as much, though. But enough of the Miley-shaming! Everyone on that stage during that number should be ashamed. Even the teddy bears will have trouble getting reaccepted back into the furry community.

But in the end, we got what we wanted from the VMAs: a spectacle to distract us, however briefly, from the pointlessness of our lives. It could just be a better spectacle, is all. “There’s so much great music out there now,” said B. “And they celebrate this s***.” (He doesn’t really speak in asterisks, by the way.)

Welcome to Miley’s World. Thankfully, we don’t have to stay.