Back to the grind

MANILA, Philippines - Earlier this year, I was taken to task by a good friend: “Wanggo, you need to have more dates.” I wasn’t offended. I was never the type to get into dating; in my whole life, I can count the number of dates I’ve had on one hand. I was all for it, but the older I got, the harder it was for me to meet new people. If I went out at all, I only went out with my friends and I wanted to spend time with them. It kind of makes it hard to meet new people this way especially since I prefer small, intimate gatherings where we can really talk.

So another friend told me to get on Grindr.

I was against it. “It’s a hook-up app, right?” I objected.

“Get on Grindr,” my friend insisted. “Do it as a social experiment.”

It was too good to refuse. I got back on the grind. I wasn’t looking for a hook-up but for the first 10 minutes on Grindr, that’s all I could think about. Most profile pictures on Grindr were half-naked, faceless torsos and their short profile descriptions expressed their sexual positions and their preferences in guys. In bed. I was shocked and I shouldn’t have been. I used to do this back in 2004 and 2005 with websites like Guys4men (now Planet Romeo). That’s how I used to find guys back in my promiscuous days. It was 2004-2005 all over again for me. But I gave it a shot. “It was a social experiment,” I kept telling myself.

Unlike many, I placed my real name, my full-face photo, and my HIV status on my profile and the reactions were mixed. Some people chatted me up and it was cool. I was getting to talk to people I would never have been able to as they were not in my usual circles; but then there were those that asked if I had my own place and if I was a “top” or a “bottom.” Ignoring them was kind of easy. The norm is usually “no reply means not interested.”

There are those who recognized me for my advocacy work and thanked me for it, which was great. It felt good but it also kind of killed the mood for looking for a date. Others just bombarded me with questions about HIV. In effect, I brought my advocacy to Grindr, imparting useful information in a venue that probably was a high-risk location. If anyplace needed HIV awareness, it was Grindr.

Just a few months in and I noticed several things that really bothered me. Some profiles had said: “For safe fun only.” “Fun” being a euphemism for sex. What that implies is that safe sex is not the norm on Grindr. It has to be qualified. Scary-scary. And the Partee&Play phenomenon has found a little niche in Grindr, as well. Guys advertise for P&P, which is a night of drugs and sex. That combination always spells danger, for me, and there’s no way that you can be assured of safe sex.

Grindr is a scary place, to be honest. I would have left sooner if not for some actual good conversation that I’ve found there. The fact that I’ve been able to talk to people about HIV and get them to have themselves tested is the reason why I’m still on it. Some people are just really lonely and just want to talk. There’s even a new thing there where people are looking for cuddle buddies. It’s like a f**k buddy but there’s no sex involved; it’s just the intimacy of holding someone and being held. Maybe there’s a little MOMOL involved but it’s completely safe. That’s what I’ve been told. And for every five or six sex-starved himbos on Grindr, there’s one guy that’s actually worth talking to, one guy that you actually want to ask out on a date.

Getting on an app like Grindr is courting trouble. Yes, there are hot guys out there, but there’s a lot of risky behavior that goes on and you have to keep your wits about you at all times. You must be vigilant and never give in to temptation — especially unsafe sex. But like all things, there’s a silver lining there too. Separate the wheat from the chaff. You’ll find a good one as well. Someone you can talk to and someone who’ll share his real photo and his real name and send you his number and you can start talking outside of Grindr. And all of a sudden, you might not want to go back. That’s the most you can hope for.