Setting the record straight

For all intents and purposes, my gay best friend and I are practically married.

In many ways, our lives resemble an Asian millennial version of Will and Grace. It doesn’t help that he was my thesis partner back in college and that our class schedules were almost identical. He was the only boy whose house I was allowed to sleep over at, the only guy that my mother has called her “adopted son,” and the one person who sang me an emotional ballad during my graduation party in front of all my closest friends and relatives (someone’s got to step up and be a diva, after all).

Sure, the term “beard” crops up a lot when it comes to the topic of my best friend and I. Hell, I’ve called myself a beard on more than one occasion. (In modern-day lingo, “beard” is a term that describes a female girl who a gay guy dates to give the impression that he’s straight.)

We are each other’s go-to dates on Valentine’s as well as the first person each one would go to for fashion advice. (He once called me in the middle of a meeting just to ask which knit tie he should buy online.) We’re privy to each other’s dirtiest, most intimate secrets; at the same time, we have never considered being in a relationship with each other, despite everyone insisting that one day we’ll just decide to start a family of our own... Um, gross.

The thing is, my fine-tuned gaydar has steered me away from harboring any romantic feelings for my homosexual sistahs. Other girls, however, have experienced falling for — or even dating — a gay guy. After all, compared to the slobs that most straight men have degenerated to, thanks to the Internet and ready-to-wear clothing, gay guys are practically Greek gods. Women can’t help but gravitate towards them.

(Most) gay men are cultured, well-dressed, and empathetic. They’re not likely complain about being taken to the mall for a shopping spree or being given the responsibility to tell you you’re fat in a constructive way. (“Honey, you’re kind of a heffer but I love you.” See? It sounds so caring.)

Of course one can say that it’s easy to spot a gay guy from a mile away. It’s so obvious. However, knowing the scores — and I mean scores — of girls I know who have fallen for or dated gay men, it isn’t. So now the question is, how do you find out if the object of your affection secretly sweats out glitter?

Before anything else, don’t assume that a guy working in fashion is automatically gay. Lots of straight men are in the business of creating beautiful things. Like Oscar de la Renta and Ralph Lauren. Or, you know, Jesus.

You might want to start rethinking your choices if he’s prettier than you. And when I say pretty, I don’t just mean he has cheekbones that can slice through your soul or lips that’ll put a porn star to shame. A pretty guy, to me, is someone who spends more than an hour in the bathroom, uses more hair product than Johnny Bravo, and knows the difference between peach the fruit and peach the color.

Then again, enamored females can always come to these pretty boys’ defense and say that they aren’t gay, they’re just metrosexuals. But, girl, please. The term “metrosexual” really means he’s one metro away from becoming a full-fledged gay man.

But all right, that’s still a perfectly arguable point. Some guys just want to take care of themselves, you know? Likelihood of being gay: 4 out of 10, maybe. Okay, 4.5.

It might also be a little strange if you catch him liking your guy friends’ Facebook profile photos. At 3 a.m. In the dark. Unless it’s a photo of something hilarious or gross, guys don’t like stuff that other guys post. Then again, your boy might just have an appreciation for the male form. Typical straight guy behavior. I think.

In fact, I believe that guys who are strangely active on social media are potentially divas in the making. I don’t know about you, but a dude who tweets more than 10 times a day, regularly posts his “witty musings” on Facebook, and is borderline guilty of being an Instagram whore (where every other post is a #selfie) probably isn’t straight.

It just doesn’t seem to be in the nature of straight guys to update the world about their every move. This isn’t conclusive, of course, but what I am saying is that straight dudes are not likely to care about the stuff girls say online, and so they also probably don’t have the patience to send out something they doubt anyone will give a damn about. Gay guys, on the other hand, just need to express stuff. It’s what makes them such fabulous creatures.

But if he professes his undying devotion to a female singer? That’s it. Game over. I’d hate to generalize, but this litmus test has never, ever proven me wrong. Any guy who says that he would fly thousands of miles and pay exorbitant amounts of money just to see Madonna/Celine Dion/Rihanna for a couple of hours while throwing in the words “goddess” and “queen” is undoubtedly playing for the other team. You can’t even argue that he’s just being European — he is gay. For sure.

But at the end of the day, does it matter if he is? So he likes the same guys that you do. It’s not the worst thing in the world. As long as he isn’t a serial killer or worse, the kind of person who stands on the left side of an escalator, then why make a big deal out of it?

Don’t take his sexual orientation as a blow against your ego. He’s meant to be with someone else, and that’s not because you’re not woman enough for him. (Don’t make it all about you. That’s my job.)

The next time you go to a bar and meet a guy, ask yourself the following things: Are his pants frighteningly tight? Are his eyebrows prettier than yours? Has he asked you if you have a cute older brother? If you answer yes to all of these questions, then you, my dear, are (probably!) in the midst of a gay man.

Don’t take it as a loss — maybe you weren’t meant to find a new boyfriend, just a new BFF. And in this world of weirdos, that’s a lot better than what other people end up with.