All the right moves

It’s about time someone told you to start dating. 

Don’t worry, I get it. Dating is scary. No one else knows that more than I do.

I’m sure it comes to no one’s surprise that I had at least 10 years of crappy and borderline-traumatizing social encounters before realizing that dating and I just don’t mix.

To be fair, I did try out the hanging-out-with-feelings thing. I thought that this guy in college could be The One. He seemed like The One, and had very The One-y qualities such as listening to my thoughts, being genuinely adorable, and showing the ability to empathize with human beings. He would have been perfect.

But you know what? He ended up asking me to cheat for him on his algebra exam. Mind you, he did it in a very sheepish way so at first I thought he was just flirting with me. But did he actually expect me to prostitute my academic integrity for that cheek dimple?

I gotta admit, that sort of thing can bum a girl out. Suddenly I started thinking, is that the only way a guy will ever want to be with me, because I can do the FOIL method in my sleep? Eventually I just gave up trying to meet people and waited for the day Prince Harry realizes that he needs an Asian princess to complete his life.

Then a few months later a friend asks me, “Why don’t you date?” I just don’t, I reply. I tell her about my awful college experience, and she says, “That’s not dating. You have to date, Marga. It’s just something we do at this age.”

Easier said than done. After all, how in the world does a 20-something girl in this staggeringly small city lure a guy into asking her out without the aid of hallucinogens?

Of course, I now say with confidence: be the one to ask him out first.

I understand the hesitation. Sometimes we still think it’s 1956 and kissing gets you pregnant. Women are just not wired to be the ones to make the first move. It’s gauche. It’s taboo.

But haven’t we thought of the trouble that guys go through when they ask girls out? We ourselves are already so afraid of the rejection and torture of getting picked for dates, but for guys to gear themselves up to ask a girl out? That’s pretty damn frightening, too.

With that thought in mind, I told myself, okay, let’s date. (Cue Psycho soundtrack.)

Just the other week, I met this really great guy through some friends. Tempura (not his real name, because that would be unfortunate) was smart, funny, owned a modest business, and had a nice smile. Best part was? He was into me. I didn’t think so until he handed me his business card in the middle of our conversation, like he didn’t want to forget to let me know that he was open for stalking — I mean, dating.

I ended that night thinking, from lame college boys to this? What an upgrade! I returned the favor by handing him my own business card (the grownup-ness of the exchange secretly thrilling me), and hoping he’d be so mad about me that he’d call the next day.

When he didn’t, I gave our first meeting a decent interval of three days before I decided to send him what I figured was a clever little text message. He told me about this super serious trivia game he and his friends join, so I said that it piqued my interest and we could perhaps talk about it more over drinks. (I know, right? Smooth.)

And this guy — this allegedly put-together guy — replies with a long-winded message about the weekly schedule of their trivia game, the topics they usually cover, and that if I had friends who want to join with me, I could just check out their Facebook page.

Are. You. Serious.

I put myself out there, and he didn’t even have the decency to give me a flat-out no. There are literally a million ways he could have turned me down without seeming so… idiotic. Couldn’t he have at least replied with a thumbs-down Emoji? (Not that I have an iPhone. I’m a 22-year-old bum; I can’t actually afford one, but I would have appreciated the effort to reject me so creatively.)

All right, so this isn’t really helping my cause, and now you’re probably thinking, what if he says no, too? What if he makes fun of me?

Marga, what if he turns out to be gay?!

The next time you think of asking a guy out, think of this:  Let’s say he says no — big freaking deal. Just lick your wounds and move on to the next one. Even then, a guy will never forget about the cool chick who had the cojones to ask him out. If done in a casual, non-threatening way, he’ll have nothing but respect for you.

If he does laugh about it with his friends, aren’t you more relieved than anything else? Why waste your time on a real loser? Any douchebag like that probably doesn’t even have any friends, and if he does, don’t worry. I’m sure the breed will die out soon because no one will want to procreate with such a-holes, unless you’re Kim Kardashian.

(Also, don’t take it as a loss if the object of your affections turns out to be gay. Cut your losses and turn him into your new BFF.)

A caveat, though: the way you ask is just as important as the fact that you ask. I know we all wanna be like our goddess Beyoncé, but we can’t just march up to guys we like and demand them to “put a ring on it.” I’m all for progressiveness, but we still have to give guys some room to do some legwork of their own. They have to earn you, too, you know.

At the end of the day, whether or not you decide to make the first move on a guy, the most important thing for you to consider is why you’re dating in the first place.

Do it because you want to do something for yourself, not because you’re trying to patch up some kind of insecurity with a relationship. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself, and if you can’t manage that, well, I doubt you can manage being with someone else. It’s tough love, but it had to be said.

On the other hand, don’t take it so seriously. Dating is where you get your stock of hilarious stories that make you fun at parties or even heartbreaks that toughen you up as a person.

You will get rejected, and you will cry. It will hurt, because you’re right: dating is scary. But wouldn’t you be more afraid of missing out because you didn’t even bother to try?

Of course, I also believe it is very important to determine the kind of guys to ask out. Any guy who sends you a text to ask if you are “busy tonite? ;-)” at three in the morning, for example, is probably not looking for a date. At least, not with your personality. (Side note, the use of “tonite” seems to be international guy code for I-Want-Booty. You have been warned.)

Don’t get me wrong, booty calls don’t always lead to broken hearts, and zoning in on good guys doesn’t always guarantee ideal results (read: Tempura). Dating is an art and a science, I think, and despite being such evolved creatures, mankind hasn’t totally worked out all the kinks yet.

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Not a booty call but feel free to tweet the author @margabee.