Some thoughts about songs and girls

Devastating is not too strong a word for the right combination of song and girl.

When you fall for someone, there is music. Not literally, not at that precise moment — unless you happen to be in a club or at a gig when it happens — but there will be a song, or songs, or a specific artist, who will dominate your headspace at the same time your heart is doing somersaults. You will end up listening to this music to the point of obsession, as you relive initial thrills and run headlong through magical possibilities. Strong associations will emerge between the music and the object of your affections. This is a good and bad thing. The good comes from the way one experience amplifies and enhances the other. The bad is the fact that after the affair ends, you will never be able to listen to what was once your favorite song in the world without a twinge of pain ever again.

During this period of fervent daydreaming, when she is the star of every music video in your head, you have to watch out that you don’t reduce her in your imagination to just that: a music video girl, someone whose surface qualities exist to drive you dizzy. Who am I kidding, you’re going to do that anyway, and this is the right time for it. Just be open to the deeper experience when she steps out of the screen.

Speaking of heightened experience: music is a pleasure in itself, but there are shared music-fueled moments that are not to be missed, whether you end up with the person you’re sharing them with or not. (K. singing Indigo Girls songs softly as we sat cross-legged on the floor of her disheveled apartment. T. introducing me to Joni Mitchell’s “Blue” via thrift store cassette tape and ancient boombox. Sitting in M.’s car listening to The Postal Service for the first time as the rain was falling outside.) Be grateful for the moments. Do not take them as indicators of destiny. Do not try to stage them. Okay, you can try to stage them a little bit. But don’t push it.

You may try to use songs — in the form of links or mixes or giftwrapped vinyl — to communicate your feelings. There are drawbacks and positives. Sometimes the music may say less than you intend. Sometimes it may say more. Much depends on how receptive the person is, how willing she is to meet you halfway. I once gave a girl a mix with The Blue Nile’s The Downtown Lights on it, not consciously intending anything. When we ended up together later on, she chided me for being too obvious.

Incidentally, I have never dated a girl whose taste in music I abhorred, or who found mine entirely disagreeable. It’s probably a bad idea, more so than dating someone with incompatible taste in books or cinema.

Dating a girl who’s in a band you love is actually as great as you might have imagined. The only problem is that your critical assessment of said band will forever afterwards be suspect, for some people. But who cares?

Dancing is always a good idea. Unless you have convinced yourself that it is a bad idea.