Who is Mr. Right?

More often than not, in the Philippines, girls with properly socialized morals and values will look at love and dating the same way.

They will wait, as this is what good girls do, they say. Keep your skirt below the length of your knee, don’t think impure thoughts or date a boy you will not marry, and keep them legs closed, because it is the greatest gift you can give to your husband.

Your husband should be a breed par excellence. Make sure he ticks off your list of Mr. Right: did he graduate from college? Does he have a healthy family history? Does he have perfect grammar?

When I realize these are the generally acceptable norms of dating in the Philippines, I worry that my very smart, gorgeous and well-grounded girl friends are waiting for a misconstrued idea of Mr. Right, which will inevitably lead to a relationship with Mr. Wrong.

I have been with Mr. Wrong. That relationship ended so badly that it shifted my entire outlook on men like it was built on tectonic plates. All that’s left of that besides traces of bitterness and resentment are realizations as to which factors for Mr. Right, actually belong to Mr. Wrong.

Debunking courting

Not debunking that there is love in the sweet gestures when they are trying to sweep you off your feet. But I’ve had friends often ask me, “How was the date?” And then immediately the follow-up question is, “Did he drive you home?”

Really? I’m not sure if whether he has a car or not is as important as, I don’t know, whether our conversation was stellar and we made electric connection. Whether the number of bouquets I’ve received or the number of times he paid for the bill is as important as whether he is ignorant as hell and our conversation was flat and dull.

The very idea of “courting” suggests that something is to be “won over.” That “something” is you. And if he has to announce his affection for you to the world and present a circus act every time, it doesn’t really match. When they have to flash it in big bold letters, it may be overcompensation for something else, like maybe your lack of chemistry in the first place.

You do not want to be the center of his universe.

You don’t actually want him to build his world around you.  Because you respect him as a person, and understand that he has a life (other than keep tabs on yours every second of every day). The same goes vice versa.

If somebody really loved you, he would not keep you in a glass casing for him to admire and gawk over 24/7. To parole and protect and keep sheltered from harm. That is Mr. Wrong.

Mr. Right would want for you to own the universe for yourself. He wouldn’t want you to function to complete his, because you are not just playing a role in his life.

He wants you to play a role in your own life. And by you achieving everything you want, and being extremely happy, his world becomes complete.

Don’t fall in love with his resume

Fall in love because you fit.

Not because he graduated top of class from the number one University in the country, has a high paycheck and knows how to tie a Windsor knot.

In fact, maybe not even when he has an amazing sense of humor, has great taste in music and can understand all your obscure film references.

Fall in love with the fit. Because together you allow each other growth in a way that no one else can. Because together you are complementary, and not only complimenting each other’s egos.  Because your outward shapes fit and fill each other perfectly like puzzle pieces.

But in the end, the more we keep making lists of do’s and don’ts, the more we hinder from finding out ourselves. Anyway, waiting and ticking off lists or reading preachy advice columns cannot help you find Mr. Right. Maybe that’s why we need to fall in love with someone wrong for us, so that we know exactly what is right.