The five kinds of Christmas Scrooges
Some people treat Christmas like the Keanu Reeves of holidays: never meant to be taken seriously. You’ll catch a whiff of their aloofness, and suddenly you’re sucked into their black hole of intense boredom.
But let’s say you didn’t get sucked into said black hole just yet. How exactly do we avoid turning into a sketchy killjoy this Christmas? Here’s a guide to the five types of Scrooges you might bump into. Because Christmas can’t be ruled by people who thrive on drama. Because Santa’s vibes are something you still deserve to feel despite age, traffic, and stress.
FLAKER SCROOGE (Fig. 1)
A.k.a. the emo, stay-at-home Scrooge. For this guy, it’s always a “no” followed by lengthy excuses or “yes” followed by a last-minute “no” every single time you ask him out to a party or dinner with friends. It’s almost like a party phobia for these Scrooges, and you’re not only left wondering if the friendship still exists, but you also can’t help but worry if your friend is actually still alive.
Booking him is only remotely possible five weeks ahead of time, and if he does show up, he unloads these slight jabs at you for not choosing a cooler restaurant or forgetting to tell him there’s a group attire—when there is none. And then he leaves 20 minutes after because he has an “early day tomorrow.”
GIFT-SENSITIVE SCROOGE (Fig. 2)
For these Scrooges, it’s always the gift that counts, not the thought. “What the hell am I gonna do with a thought anyway?” they seem to be thinking. They are also demanding in a way that may appear cute at first, but is actually ridiculous. As soon as the gift is received and assessed, they’ll convey unhappiness through subtle gestures, by avoiding eye contact, staring at the floor, and half-smiling with your present in one hand. Or, having to visit the bathroom—to cry, perhaps. It’s just that they’re not used to gifts that don’t cost a fortune.
Even if you get a mug with “Ralp” instead of “Ralph” engraved on it, nobody’s allowed to be a mean bro this season.
BONUS SCROOGE: THE MUSIC ELITIST
He’s the guy that plays too many obscure songs during a family reunion. Music selection is quickly broken instead of made and it’s due to his Hype Machine-“curated” (hate that word) playlist.
He fails to see that mainstream music can also do wonders for the holidays. He fails to see the value of a balanced track list. He fails to see that Jose Mari Chan’s hits are like portable Christmas furnaces you can set ablaze wherever you go.
But when all else fails and brings you down, just take your Stresstabs and avoid being a Scrooge in general. Relax and have yourself a non-Scroogey Christmas.
OVERTIME SCROOGE (Fig. 3)
No props to the Scrooge who works abnormally hard. For this Scrooge, family-sounding phone calls and Facebook inbox threads are covert forms of rendering a little more overtime. They are ready to miss out on a killer dinner just to work. They think that if they punch in one more digit or type one more vowel, the perfect work masterpiece would somehow come about. Said scenario will likely go on loop for hours and the next thing they know, the girlfriend had just broken up with him via text and e-mail—19 hours ago because he couldn’t check his Nokia (too busy to update to a new one).
FASHION SCROOGE (Fig. 4)
He looks down on other people’s party attires because they aren’t up to par with his preppy, Gangnam stylish getups. It’s cool guy time all the time. His energy may be un-Scrooge-like, true, but he always dresses up way too much; it’s like he’s trying to merge Halloween with Christmas. You’ll mentally tag him as “inappropriate for any function,” only to receive a random flash of his rusty tongue ring—almost as if he were reading your mind, wow. Return his condescending eye with a friendly eye because you’re a nice elf.
DIET SCROOGE (Fig. 5)
This may probably be the worst. This Scrooge belongs to the highest rung of the hate ladder simply because the buffet table is staring at her and she does not stare back. This person is determined to follow through on her diet year-round because “diets demand discipline.”
When peer pressure somehow ensues, this Scrooge returns with a leaf of Romaine lettuce neatly plated next to a tiny hotdog skewered with a marshmallow—SAD.
Christmas feasting should look like a doomsday value meal—hills of medium rare steak surrounded by clouds of buttery mashed potatoes and ponds of gravy. The noche buena to end all noche buenas, in short. Besides, you can’t eat discipline.
On a side note, Christmas is also a good time to show people you approve of their kitchen skills. So give them your appetite and whatever gets eaten, gets gym-ed—hopefully.
BONUS SCROOGE: THE MUSIC ELITIST
He’s the guy that plays too many obscure songs during a family reunion. Music selection is quickly broken instead of made and it’s due to his Hype Machine-“curated” (hate that word) playlist.
He fails to see that mainstream music can also do wonders for the holidays. He fails to see the value of a balanced track list. He fails to see that Jose Mari Chan’s hits are like portable Christmas furnaces you can set ablaze wherever you go.
But when all else fails and brings you down, just take your Stresstabs and avoid being a Scrooge in general. Relax and have yourself a non-Scroogey Christmas.
