Don’t blame it on the alcohol

All the dumb things we do after having a couple of shots isn’t because of alcohol, it’s because regardless of what our higher thinking tells us, we do it anyway.

MANILA, Philippines - I was having after-work drinks with a couple of college friends the other week when one of them told me, “You know, I never imagined that you and I would ever go drinking together. I always thought you had a ruler up your butt.”

Before anything else, I would like to clarify that I do not have a ruler up my butt and I am definitely not an alcoholic. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being one. Everyone needs a hobby, after all.) I don’t always enjoy the taste of alcohol, plus I am a card-carrying member of the Asian Flush club so I turn beet red from a sip or two of really strong booze, but I like drinking. I admit I started doing so because I thought it would make me cool, and it wasn’t so hard to pass off as a legal adult at 13 years old because I’m relatively tall and hello, it’s the Philippines.

Eventually, however, I began to understand why people call it a social lubricant. If used correctly, not only can alcohol really be the great end to a long day of work, but also the perfect tool to help you become the sparkly version of yourself that you were always so shy about. It turns out that when I am tipsy, not only can I make funnier jokes but I can also remember the first 30 elements on the periodic table and I can speak fake Italian in an accent so convincing, it could make pizza cry. That’s right. Pizza.

Of course, they also don’t call alcohol a traitor without reason. I discovered my alcohol tolerance the hard way; the contents of my stomach has made contact with gravel, sand, and the occasional car hood (So sorry to the random guy at Draft whose BMW became the canvas to my drunken masterpiece).

When I think about it, I’ve probably had more embarrassing encounters with alcohol than moments when I look like a classy working girl while holding an Amaretto Sour. And it is during these times, while my head is just about ready to burst and I’m dry heaving over a toilet, that I say the words that every young girl who doesn’t know any better says: “I am never going to drink again.”

Because it would be ridiculous for one to listen to one’s own advice, I still can’t resist the pull of a yummy cocktail once in a while. Why some people cannot fathom that about me, I don’t know. I’m not so sure if it’s the glasses or the college degree that gives off the non-boozer vibe, but my classmate from the other week wasn’t the first person to tell me that I look too uptight to enjoy alcohol.

As a nerd of the highest order, I suppose I don’t really fit the profile of a female drinker. But just because I don’t look like an extra in a Ke$ha video, that doesn’t mean that I’m not a drinker. Inversely, women who do look — or worse, smell — like Ke$ha aren’t necessarily big boozers either. Sometimes, they’re just really gross.

I think it’s kind of disappointing that our “evolved” society remains hopelessly conservative about young women acting like paragons of virtue, particularly when it comes to drinking. I personally grew up being taught that drinking isn’t a ladylike pursuit, and that girls who do drink will always give guys the wrong idea.  I’ve been a casual drinker for eight years and I still don’t know what the wrong idea is. Does it even exist?

You’re probably thinking that it sure does, because alcohol can lead to unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and regrettable tattoos. It can also pose as a serious safety hazard when drunk people drive, carry firearms, or sing Frank Sinatra’s My Way.

But before we start pointing fingers at all the innocent booze in the world, think for a second. All the dumb things we do after having a couple of shots isn’t because of alcohol, it’s because regardless of what our higher thinking is telling us (i.e. “Stop drinking right now”), we do it anyway.

That said, feel free to enjoy alcohol—just be ready to endure the morning-after narration of the crazy show you displayed while teetering on the pavement. (Here’s a tip: Deny everything.) Don’t be afraid to look however you want to look, because ruler or no ruler shoved up the place where the sun doesn’t shine, you have every right to get wasted as much as the next party girl.