Closet confidential

MANILA, Philippines - I walk the halls and walkways of school with my boyfriend’s hand in mine. These days, we just don’t care anymore. People look at us and sometimes they smile, sometimes they say nothing, their eyes wide as moons, and sometimes we find out later on that we made their day. Happiness begets happiness. It took me a long time to figure that out. Before I came out to everyone, my siblings, my friends, my schoolmates, before all that, I first had to come out to myself.

I remember when it got really bad. My “dark ages” — and I find that everyone has their “dark ages” — were back in the late years of high school until the early years of college. I used to cut my wrist and think about killing myself a lot. That’s because I grew up with incredibly religious parents — Dad’s a pastor — and I had a really hard time admitting to myself that I liked boys and not girls. In those days, I even tried to date a couple of girls and when I saw that the relationship was seeing even the tiniest blink of seriousness, I backed away the first chance that I got. Those girls and me, we’re okay now. I’ve managed to set things straight (pun unintended) with them eventually but looking back, it was a really stupid thing to do.

Learn from Brokeback Mountain’s Ennis. It’s always better to be honest than have people as collateral damage.

For the longest time, I’ve kept all this to myself, all those feelings, all those desires and frustrations, all those fears. Not a word leaked out. I felt so isolated from the world that I knew. I always had to wear a mask and play a role every time I’d go out to see my friends. I was lying about 60 percent of the time. If you look at how the people that I used to hang out with back then were a bunch of sloppy boys who were into sports, playing in bands, video games and girls, you’ll see why I wasn’t exactly welcomed into the LGBT community with a gay pride parade. Still, though, they were the first group of people that I told. They were my brothers, we went through a lot together and I trusted them the most. At first I wasn’t looking too optimistic about this but in the end, they proved me wrong. I love those guys. After that, I slowly moved to the outer circles of friends, making my way carefully with everyone else.

A huge part of my coming to terms with myself comes from films, gay-themed films in particular. At a time when no one could talk to me and get me through whatever I was going through or even so much as help me understand what this was exactly, I turned to films. I just felt so lost that I didn’t even know who I was and where to go from there. Luckily, films are easily and anonymously accessible and they gave me the chance to learn about something that I didn’t even dare speak of, while completely changing my life. Yes, films have that kind of power. That’s why I want to be a filmmaker someday.

On shows like Gossip Girl, it’s the family as support group that helps young teens come to terms with their sexuality.

After my first year of college, I went to study in Singapore for two years before I finally went back to school in Manila again to make up for the studying that I missed. That whole experience of leaving and stepping out of comfort and seeing the world from a totally new perspective also had a huge impact on my life. That’s when I finally got the chance to be someone else for a couple of years, so that when I came back to my life in Manila, I was an entirely changed person. I think I never would have had the courage at all to come out to other people had it not been for Singapore.

My boyfriend and I are “out” among our siblings, who support us completely, but not among our parents. Like I said, my parents are fundamentalist Christians and his parents hold on to traditional Chinese values. These days, if anyone asks if we’re gay, we tell them we are right there and then but we believe that, as of the moment, there is no need to come out to our parents who are not so understanding. They have their system of beliefs and we have ours and the clash between the two is simply unnecessary. Sure they’ll find out sooner or later but our lives are our own now and they can’t just impose their prejudices on us and force us to change in the name of good parenthood.

Coming out was, I think, the biggest, most liberating event in my life. Those marks on my wrist that will never go away: I look at them from time to time and all I see are battle scars. To not come out of that place where all I knew was hate would be a terrible tragedy indeed. I look at these lines that used to be wounds and see that wounds can heal and it’s humbled me; it’s taught me to love myself, love others, love the world. Always.