Love in the time of melancholia
MANILA, Philippines - You are not clinically depressed. So why can’t you stop listening to melancholic Adult Contemporary Music? Why does it hurt so good? There is a point in our 20s when we become more contemplative. You already have an idea of who you are; you are more comfortable with yourself; you know what you want; and now you ask, “Where am I going?”
There’s a reason why you’re downloading Smashing Pumpkins, Switchfoot and Duncan Sheik more than ever and why you think that dancing under the influence of alcohol is a remedy. You tend to deny it: “There’s nothing wrong.” Or worse, you deny what you’re longing for. You have got to acknowledge the fact that you do have emotional needs and it’s an element of what you’re becoming. Your quarter-life crisis could be your need for a more intimate relationship. Young adults, as psychoanalyst Erik H. Erikson puts it, face a conflict between intimacy and isolation. It remains in our heads: “Who do I want to be with?” Although it sounds practical when people say that you can’t force what you don’t have, it does not hurt to go out and at least try to get it. You can’t settle for porn and self-abuse, nor live the alternate life of the polygamous.
It may have started when you left (or thought of leaving) your parents’ house to live on your own. You rent your own place, buy your furniture, pay your own bills. As the cliché goes, you enter the real world and it’s tougher than you imagined. Before you left your folks, you felt the need for independence when you didn’t have to go home early because they were looking for you. But when that’s settled and you find refuge under your own roof, you suddenly miss them. It does get lonely. And you can’t leave the situation because it’s the only way you can get out of parental dependence. However, it makes you an adult and it becomes a whole new ball game when you’re single.
“This stage covers the period of early adulthood when people are exploring personal relationships,” author Kendy Cherry writes in About.com. “Erikson believed it was vital that people develop close, committed relationships with other people. Those who are successful at this step will develop relationships that are committed and secure.” When you live alone, you have more time to think on your own. You often get in the middle of existential moments. You philosophize about life and confront the truth about dying. Thus, you acknowledge the idea of perfect happiness. “First of all, to be in love. The second way of being very happy is to be able to get the best out of yourself, whatever it is,” Academy Award-winning actress Luise Rainer tells Vanity Fair, describing perfect happiness.
Between 27 and 36, you feel that it is the best time for a committed relationship. You are financially independent; you are more practical; your sex drive is up more than ever. These are noticeable changes that make you more comfortable with your mind and body. Thus, you are more capable to doing things. The world is your playground. “My greatest regret is that I have not given out much, much more, because inside me there is much, much more that I would have liked to give. It sounds arrogant, but it is the truth: I do not feel I have given out even part of what I can give out,” Rainer realizes. Quarter-life is a moment in your life that allows you to avoid wretched regrets before you reach midlife. You don’t just linger at home and create pseudo-realities. And if snuggling with someone in the middle of the cool, breezy night makes you a happier person, then you have got to have the balls to face it. Return to passion and deal with it.
