When Negastar goes supernova

MANILA, Philippines - The man who inspired the Nobel Pissed Prize writes a special version of his mass-circulated meme; “15 pet peeves” only for YS.

This is not a manifesto. This is not a sermon. This is not a lecture on politics and sociology. This list started out as a Facebook entry entitled “15 Pet Peeves,” a little writing exercise I did when a poet friend of mine tagged me. Much to my surprise, people started commenting and sharing this little list, telling me that they had this orgasm of truthfulness when they read it. The reaction was overwhelming. A friend even planned on turning one of my entries into a statement T-shirt.

I’m not usually someone with a lot of negative thoughts, but hey, sometimes you have to spit out all that bile inside you, right? (Don’t worry. This could be brutally honest, but I unfurl this list with politeness. “Honest but polite,” I tell myself.)

So in no particular order, here are 15 things that ruin my day.

1) Ateneans who are too Atenean. I don’t have qualms against one’s devotion to one’s alma mater. I, for one, am an Atenean. But come on, people. There’s more to life than Ateneo. There are more ideas out there in the world that your brain can eat. Read books that are not Tuesdays With Morrie. Watch movies that flirt with beliefs off-radar the Ignatian. Meet more people who did not study in Ateneo. The problem with Ateneans is that there’s this culture of self-entitlement that’s been installed in our bodies. Come down from the proverbial mountain. Take off those blue-tinted glasses. We may be the kings of basketball, but we are not the kings of everything else. And I’ve always wanted to say this to Ateneans who think they are the shit, “Atenista ka lang, men. Hindi ka si Galactus.”

2)  The culture of gay that pervades Filipino media. I have had the pleasure of meeting and working with the most talented media people and they were gay men. But it just saddens me that this culture of gay has wrapped the entire media industry with a sequined hand, from the language of celebrities to movie plots. I watch ABS-CBN shows and wow, everyone is gay now. The mom character says, “In fairness!” Wow, even the kids speak becky now. Come on, sisters, do we still really need more gay films and gay lingo? You are accepted in society now. Let media be neutral. No need for enculturation and propaganda. We heterosexuals are the new minority.

3) The visual blight of Metro Manila. Potholes. Trash on the street. Too many billboards. Smoke-belching vehicles. Ugly jeepneys and tricycles. Shirtless men playing guitars. Blue and pink MMDA color schemes. That is why people are so uninspired here in Manila. It really is just so ugly. It is so sad that I am a very visual person. Looking outside my window as I drive in EDSA and seeing all this ugliness ruins my day. I sometimes wish that urban developers could study Art Appreciation or Color Psychology courses.

4) Noise. Too much noise. Rave parties. Concerts that are too loud for human consumption. Karaoke bars. Tricycles. Jeepneys that blare electrojejemon. No wonder the denizens of Manila are going batshit crazy. For a quiet person like me, who loves the silence of libraries, this really pisses me off. I really don’t get why people like loud

Make my day, gay: Not everyone can speak Becky, Vice Ganda.

stuff. Try quiet time, people. It’s addicting.

5) Religious zealots who are out to convert you. Let me roll my eyes first. Okay, there. Whenever someone approaches me and asks me to join their Bible study, I appreciate the gesture, really. But come on, I am old enough to have my own religious views. My relationship with God is something between me and Him, Sir. Good day.

6) Bums who mooch off hardworking people. Okay, fine, it’s hard to find a job nowadays, given the fierce global economy. But whenever I see twentysomethings who are in their pambahays all day, while their balding parents or siblings are hard at work in some crappy desk job in Ortigas, it just pisses the hell off of me. Enough Facebook, kids. We live in Dickensian times. Get off your asses and make something out of your lives.

7) Musicians who think like athletes. Fine, fine, fine, you know every guitar scale in the universe, know all the technology behind effects pedals, you know how to shred like Joe Satriani, you can do tapping, slapping, and all sorts of pyrotechnics. I respect you if that’s your thing. But when you long-haired, black-clad SOBs who dress like clerks in Perfect Pitch or JB Music start dissing Beatlemaniacs and twee-obsessed musicians like me and tell us that a major-seventh chord is for homosexuals, or that we are not capable musicians because we don’t rock the bass like Nino Avenido, there shall be bloodletting.

8) People who watch too much television and are getting fat because of it. People, come on. A little maintenance, please. Get off the couch and start exercising. Enough mind, more body.

9) Mothers who are too proud of their kids and just parade their offspring for everyone to worship. ‘Nuff said. Annoying as hell.

10) The fact that dogs nowadays get better healthcare and more expensive food than household help. Sigh. This is really sad. I once went to a house where they had a whole room for a Jack Russell Terrier, while poor old Manang Tekla slept on the ice-cold floor of the kitchen. In the Philippines, it’s better to be a wealthy chick’s dog than to be a human being.

11) Clients who don’t pay on time. We handed you your freaking AVP on time before your deadline, so why can’t you pay us on time? Jesus. Shouldn’t it be that simple? It’s not like we priced our services like highway robbery.

12) Long lines in government offices, restaurants, etc. So much life is wasted spent falling in line. Do the math. All that time you spent in line could’ve been time spent studying an extra degree in college.

13) Women who text five hours late so as not to look like an easy catch. “I’m a woman. I’m supposed to be difficult,” she says. Look, girl, I am being humble here, honest and vulnerable, when I texted you my random thought. You’re not obliged to like me back, but if you want to reject me, then be woman about it, and tell it to me straight. And if you really like me, then show some telltale sign by at least answering back fast and not giving me the utterly morbid time of wondering if your phone got stolen or you’re busy at work.

14) The incompetence of Filipino people. You know that musical stinger that’s made up of four descending notes on the chromatic scale? The one that’s usually played by a funny-sounding instrument like a kazoo? It goes, “Wek, wek, wek, wek.” It’s the four notes of failure. The four notes of incompetence. See, living here in the Philippines, you get used to hearing that wek-wek-wek-wek in your head. You go to a gas station toilet and see that the toilet won’t flush. Cue: Wek-wek-wek-wek. You see a tricycle driver lifting his leg as a left-turn signal. Cue: Wek-wek-wek-wek. At first it could be funny. But when we see our police force bungling that hostage situation, the comedy ends there. You curl up in a ball and wish that you were born somewhere else.

 15) People who are too masa. Doesn’t mean because you’re poor, you can’t afford culture. The Internet is cheap. It’s P15 per hour in hole-in-the-wall cafes. Spend time on the Internet learning about things that could make you intelligent. Expose yourselves to things that are not Star Cinema and noontime shows. You’ve run out of excuses. The Internet will stop us from being Oriental.