10 ways to make Adam 'Get a life, Philippines!' Carolla appreciate our country more

The Tens

MANILA, Philippines - 10. Carolla believes all this country’s got going for it is Manny Pacquiao. Not entirely true. Some of the world’s esteemed award-giving bodies think that countrymen like Efren “Bata” Reyes, Efren Peñaflorida, and Dingdong Dantes have got it going on. Especially ‘Dong, who, though voted third sexiest man in the world in 2008, has still got it going on, actually.

9. Also, it can’t all be about Manny when there are a lot of other things we make a huge deal about. Like condoms, nip slips, Big Brother, and, well, Mommy Dionisia.

8. We also embrace expired acts here, oddly enough. So with his lackluster career after his stint on The Man Show with Jimmy Kimmel taken into account, it can’t be such a bad idea for Carolla to try his luck here. “Let the washed-up wash up on our shores” is our unofficial greeting to undead celebrities, hospitable and forgiving as we are in granting them an afterlife. Keith Martin can, of course, vouch for that.

7. Like he’d lauded our country for having the best slow-roasted pig in the world, No Reservations host Anthony Bourdain could introduce Carolla to our lechon, one misanthrope to another. Besides, a total pig would know a good pig when he tastes one.

6. Apart from Pacquiao, Adam says sex tours are all we have to offer here. Well, sure, those exist but there’s also that greater incentive for Caucasian customers that is being part of a noontime variety show audience. Better yet, being called up onstage and getting some local TV face time as a host converses with you in broken English. With every girlfriend-for-the-weekend is that chance to accompany her to an extravaganza like Wowowee — or hipper still, Party Pilipinas.

5. After educating voters on correct ballot shading, who better to familiarize Carolla with our sex tourism industry than advocates of awareness, the Sexbomb Dancers? After a Sexbomb tour of our red-light districts, Carolla will realize that no, there is no “same difference” between Thailand and the Philippines. At least our girls are actual girls — and can carry a karaoke tune at that.

4. As a comedian, Carolla’s racist prick shtick obviously ain’t working for him. Luckily, one of our great cultural commodities is Pinoy humor. So go ahead, Adam, help yourself to our riot of a resource. At least as soon as you get it; maybe after enough exposure to enterprises like Cooking ng Ina Mo and Cooking ng Ina Mo Rin. 

3. And who would know about Pinoy humor better than the trannies at Quezon City’s comedy bars? Filipino drag queens just know how to handle a hot-blooded white man, even if he’s a former host of The Man Show. 

2. A certified way to turn a foreigner into an expat is getting him on the next plane to Boracay. Like any white dude, Adam will love it, no doubt. Better still: get him to stay at Pacman’s resort over there. With a complimentary boxing “lesson” from the owner himself, of course.   

1. Contrary to Carolla’s belief that we’ll get “a guy with brain damage to run our country,” that’s absurd since, well, so many of them already are.