The single inquisition
What’s wrong with being single? Seriously. I’ve been single for the last four years (happy anniversary, me!) and instead of feeling like a fun and fearless female, as Cosmopolitan puts it, I’m starting to feel like an aberration.
The first couple of years went by blissfully and easily, and I was genuinely enjoying all the time to myself. My single days had just turned into blissful years when my mother started to drop little hints of concern. When I would come home late from work, she teased playfully “Baka may boyfriend ka na,” trying to hide the fact that she was fishing if, indeed, I was seeing anyone. (I was not.) Another text exchange we had: Mom: “Where are you?” Me: “With my secret boyfriend. HAHA! Joke. I’m still at work.” Mom: “I prefer the secret boyfriend.”
Then the hints morphed into dinners, where she declared “You should flirt more.” Here she was, the woman who forbade me from going to gimmicks because my guy classmates were there, the woman who warned me about the dangers of heartbreak, the woman who revealed the magic of pakipot, and all of a sudden, she was telling me to flirt. I almost passed out.
Unfortunately, before I could lose consciousness, she dropped more pearls of wisdom. “Sometimes, leave your car behind so a guy can take you home!” Now she was giving me get-the-guy strategies of the medieval world.
It didn’t end with that dinner. She surprised me with slimming treatments at Slimmer’s World, inquired at the religious bookstore about novenas for people looking for husbands, and encouraged me by telling me, “I look around when we’re walking in the mall. May tumitingin naman sa’yo!” Soon, even my father was telling me “not to be so opinionated.” My brother was telling me to join singles groups and to let guys carry my things. My whole family had jumped on the bandwagon.
To be completely fair to my family, it’s not just them. Other people are always asking me if I’m single and when I say yes, they ask, “Why?” Why do I have to explain? Do I go up to couples and ask, “You’re still together! Why?”
Yes, my life has turned into a Bridget Jones movie. It seems that the world is conspiring to trigger panic (and drunken renditions of All By Myself) from me because I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s never bothered me that I didn’t have one, but with everyone fussing over it, I’m getting a little nervous that I’m not nervous. It’s like when everyone is panicking over an exam that you feel ready for. No matter how prepared you are, when you see your classmates wildly cramming and freaking out, that feeling of doubt creeps up on you and you have to pull out your books and review.
So let’s review: again, what’s wrong with being single? I have actually had this singledom discussion with my single friends, a few Cosmos and Manolos short of a Sex and the City episode, sharing our I-couldn’t-help-but-wonders with each other. We all laugh about our panicking mothers and our nosy friends asking why we’re single, but we never directly ask ourselves. Everyone keeps avoiding the question; maybe we’re really avoiding the answer. I think the reason why we’re supposed to be afraid to be single is that perhaps because it implies there’s something wrong with us. Unattractive? Neurotic? Can’t hold down a guy? Can’t cook?
It’s ridiculous to be afraid to be single. It’s even more ridiculous to refuse to know why you’re still single. I always thought that being single is the time for yourself, the time to enjoy your independence and learn more about yourself. As we get to know what kind of individuals we are, this can also be the time to learn if we’re capable of being in relationships. Are we ready for commitment? What are we looking for in relationships? Are we willing to give someone a significant part of our days and our lives? Do we know how to be good girlfriends or boyfriends? Is there anything we need to improve on ourselves?
It’s important to know who you are before being with someone else. Not knowing can complicate things. I see even people in relationships feeling confused and broken-hearted because either or both of them still don’t know what they want, or they want to get to know themselves more. In looking for a relationship, you shouldn’t want someone to complete the picture, but someone to share and enjoy the pictures with.
I thought the answer to the incessant questions was getting a boyfriend, but that would just be to shut everybody up. However, it doesn’t mean I have to ignore them completely. After all, I know that some of the people asking are just concerned and want me to be happy. (I will ignore anyone who tells me to be a damsel-in-distress, though! Ahem, family, ahem.) I love being single, and this is my time to be with myself. This is the time to ask questions, to go on personal journeys, to reflect on who I am and what I want. When the time comes that I finally get a boyfriend, I’ll be ready. Instead of answering the questions now, I’ll be the answer to someone else’s question someday.
