This movie's inconsistencies are too disastrous

As 2009 draws to a close, believers in the predictions of the Mayans and of Nostradamus are getting increasingly worried over what is said to be the end of the world — December 21, 2012.

It’s no wonder people are starting to panic. After all, with the stream of environmental and social disasters happening all over the globe, it’s hard not to believe that the world as we know it is soon coming to an end.

Floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, revolutions and wars have occurred all throughout the year. They are all signs of change, but are they also signs that the end is near?

Now, Nostradamus and the Mayans weren’t very specific in their predictions. They didn’t exactly specify what would happen, or who would live or die.

This horrific forecast has become so controversial that it has spawned studies, documentaries an1d even a blockbuster movie. The documentary by the History Channel was, according to those who’ve watched it, a compelling and somewhat eerie program. But I bet no one is really too interested in learning about that. They’re probably more interested in 2012, the box office disaster film.

Hitting theaters just a week or two ago, 2012 is, well, a movie of epic proportions.

The special effects are superb; they are probably some of the best that I’ve seen in a film of this type in a while. The destruction of Los Angeles was undoubtedly the best end-of-the-world sequence I’ve seen on the big screen.

Similarly epic was the acting by some of the cast. John Cusack as the lead star was in his usual top form. Cusack’s children in the movie were played by very good actors — the terror on their faces was really believable. However, it was Oliver Platt, playing a government bureaucrat, who stood out the most with his amazing acting.

Unfortunately, another epic part of the movie was its length. At almost three hours long, it was practically torture to sit there and watch the human race, all of its structures and cultures, slowly being exterminated by Mother Nature. I felt queasy after seeing three hours’ worth of scenes of erupting volcanoes and giant tidal waves wiping out the world’s (or should I say just America’s) population and landmarks. I desperately wanted the onscreen world to explode or something already so that the movie would end as well.

But no, first I had to observe the gigantic holes and assumptions made in developing the story. Cusack’s silver screen family must be the luckiest family ever to live.

Not only did they manage to have a car big enough to fit his wife, his wife’s boyfriend (also known as the third wheel), his two kids, and Cusack, they also got their hands on not one airplane, but two! Not to mention the fact that aside from being a plastic surgeon, Mr. Third Wheel also happens to know how to pilot both small and large aircrafts.

All the challenges this family faced were very conveniently solved. Neither rain, nor shine, nor molten rocks/buildings falling out of the sky could stop them. At every turn, a show of altruism was played out, thus enabling this super-fortunate brood to go on to face the next problem (which they eventually found a solution to, as well!).

The entire film reminded me of a video game, to be honest. What the lead family went through would make for some awesome levels of game play. Fireballs, burning buildings, gigantic towers of water, and of course, helpful hints from minor characters — it’s “Grand Theft Auto: Earth”!

The funny thing is, the destruction scenes were thoroughly believable; it was the little things, the inconsistencies that broke down the movie for me.

For one, if this prediction were to come true, I certainly wish media coverage would be as comprehensive as it was in the film. Even when the White House is about to become a coral reef sanctuary, or when Yellowstone Park becomes the world’s largest volcano, CNN is still on air live with video of the destruction as it takes place!

Cellular phone signal in India must be really good, too. After all, just moments before getting totally submerged in water, one guy was still able to call his friend all the way in China. That’s technology for you.

If whatever happens in the year 2012 (if anything happens at all) is anything like the movie, then I already know who will make it to see 2013.

If you’re not rich and powerful, you will most likely die. Giraffes and elephants will survive, but not you.

If you’re not a divorced author slash limo driver who works for a billionaire Russian dude, you are probably not John Cusack, and therefore, you will not serendipitously survive.

 If you have a small dog and a nasty old Russian boyfriend, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is, your dog will survive and your old fart of a lover will not. The bad news is you won’t survive either.

If you’re American, French, German, Japanese, Italian, Russian, or British, you have a decent chance of surviving (better at least than the South Americans, Africans or most Asians).

If you’re a Tibetan monk who knows how to drive, that’s pretty cool for someone living all the way out in the Himalayas. You’ll survive, too.

Sadly, I realized after watching this film that if ever the Three Gorges Dam in China becomes three really big arks (or spaceships with anchors), then I will have absolutely zero chance of surviving anyway.

I will just rest in the comfort of knowing that I will die watching an awesome news telecast of destruction in Brazil, with enough mobile phone signal to say one last goodbye.