The art of apologizing
Sorry seems to be the hardest word,” sang Sir Elton John in his song of the same title.
Some might disagree and say “goodbye” is the hardest word to say. Both words represent such intense emotions: goodbyes are a preludes to tears and heartache, while sorry is a word that pride will not let us say.
In this case, I am with Sir Elton’s camp. Heartfelt goodbyes can be said with ease — movie characters do it all the time when they finally realize separation is inevitable. Sincere apologies, on the other hand, can be difficult to prod out of a person, especially one as stubborn as me.
I believe apologizing is an art. Like art, a lot of it is crap — paint spatters on a canvas masquerading as something visually appealing. In the same way, people sometimes (well, many times really) are just forced to apologize, or just say sorry to avoid getting into deeper trouble.
Kanye West’s recent apology to Taylor Swift for his very rude behavior during her MTV Video Music Awards seemed very forced to me. Taylor’s fans, as well as many of his, had reacted violently to his rude comments, and in an effort to avoid losing his fan base, Kanye chose to say sorry instead of letting the spat gain more media coverage, which ultimately would have been bad for him. (Hello, can you say Chris Brown?)
School kids who fight in class are often told to kiss and make up, so they grudgingly apologize to one another, but the look in their eyes says that the rumble will continue once dismissal time rolls around.
There are some people who force themselves to apologize for their own comfort. Take me for example. I can’t sleep whenever I have an unresolved argument with a close friend. So, what I do is say a half-baked sorry before we part ways for the day. Saying sorry immediately alleviates the tension that keeps me from sleeping peacefully, so I just do it.
My fake apology eases the situation between me and whoever I am fighting with, so our arguments lose steam quickly. A few days along the line, I give a sincere apology to my friend. This doesn’t mean that fake apologies are good, but they can lead to true ones.
While it’s true that most apologies are just a load of bull, on the other side of the spectrum, there are wonderfully sincere apologies that can be compared to Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” and Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. They are apologies that have been thought out and hold deep meaning for the person who uttered them.
A child’s apology to a parent for being disobedient is usually completely truthful and repentant.
Movies feature these lovely apologetic scenes all the time — a heartfelt, screamed-out sorry in the rain, followed by intense passionate kissing. Yes, the best apologies, just like the best art, are products of passion and caring, a time to put pride on the line for what is more important.
Whether masterpieces or useless junk, both mea culpas and works of art have been analyzed by experts to learn more about the person who created them. Just as art theorists and historians have analyzed every brush stroke on a painting, psychologists have delved into studies about how and why humans say sorry.
An anthropology professor at the University of the Philippines once told me that working women should stop apologizing whenever they are presenting ideas in the boardroom.
According to him, statements such as, “I’m sorry to ask, but can I...” or “Sir, I’m sorry, but I need so and so to file…” are unnecessary and make it seem like women are inferior to the men whose numbers dominate the business halls and offices of the country. It seems like women need to apologize because they are not on the same level, whether educational or executive, with the men. It is often just a polite reflex, but this can be taken as a sign of low self-esteem.
As Jethro Gibbs from the TV show NCIS has said many times, “Don’t say you’re sorry. It’s a sign of weakness.”
I’m not saying everyone should stop apologizing to one another. I believe sorry is a word of repentance, not a substitute or an excuse. It may be the hardest word to say in emotionally-draining situations like a breakup, but daily, people have found it so easy to utter it when one has stepped on a stranger’s foot.
Say sorry only when you need to, and only if you really mean it. Make each apology a work of art, born out of passion.
Expose yourself. Be honest. Let each word reflect how you really feel. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it (yes, I know I have to work on this!). Don’t hurry.
Apologizing is a skill, an art. Let each sorry be a Van Gogh or a Monet, not some cheap blobs of paint on a canvas that holds no meaning for anyone.
