Am I my brother's keeper?

Dear Mai Mai, China and Tingting,

I need advice about a brother who has his own family but doesn’t have a job. His wife’s the one working for their family and it’s obviously not enough because he calls us, his sisters, all the time to ask for money and ask for food for his family. He lost his sales job about four years ago and has not found one he liked since then. I know there are some job openings he is qualified for but he only wants one that’s in his comfort zone. He wants a job that he’s used to and not willing to learn new things. My parents have been nagging him to get a job, but he always says there are no job openings for him. He also reasons that he has lifted all his problems to God and that God will provide. He doesn’t listen to advice and it’s so frustrating. What do we do to help him? Should we cut him off? I think a drastic move should be done.

Tired sis

If a drastic move is what you want, then cutting him off is one action you can take. But will it help him? I think that it won’t and might even complicate his problems. If you don’t help him, he will seek help from someone else… maybe take small loans from neighbors and friends… loans that he has no way of paying off anyway. I think that would complicate the situation. But maybe an ultimatum is in order. Give him a fair amount of time to decide, look for a job, and get his life back on track. Agree on a date and then implement it.

China

Maybe an intervention is in order. Organize a family meeting where you have to sit him down and discuss the problem calmly. One way to help him is to discuss his other job opportunities. Assess his strengths and weaknesses and discuss his job possibilities. Then, feed/bombard him with information on job opportunities, push him to attend job fairs or send him newspaper clippings of job openings. Your parents should also insist that he tries new things but maybe not totally disconnected with the field he’s interested in. Only your parents and his wife can move him in the right direction. If both your parents and his wife tolerate his behavior, he will not be compelled to look for a job. And how about reminding him of the extras his children are missing? He’s depriving his kids of a better life by relying on other people for sustenance. You can also talk to his wife. She should encourage him to do better, if not for her but for their children.

Mai Mai

If he’s beyond taking advice, I agree that maybe a more drastic move should be taken. Cutting him off might be too much, though. I’m sure your conscience will not be able to stand the thought of your brother and his family starving because you refused to help. But why don’t you try giving him a budget? Meaning, don’t be too extravagant and you must leave him wanting a few things. You shouldn’t say “yes” all the time, lest you end up spoiling your brother. Just give your brother the basics and not the frills. You and your sisters should agree on how to handle the issue. If you’re all willing to help him, there should be a limit. If there’s none, then you’re not really helping him after all. Isn’t there a saying about teaching a man how to fish instead of just giving him some? And how about the saying “Sa Diyos ang awa, sa tao ang gawa”?

Tingting