Is A friend in need a friend indeed?

Dear Mai Mai, China And Tingting,

My friend and I had a fight about two years ago when I confronted her about lies she was spreading about me. After that, we avoided each other but are still civil when we meet in parties of common friends. Last Christmas, we were at the same party and although she greeted me when she arrived, I was surprised when she obviously ignored me when we were unavoidably called to the same circle. From then on, I stopped being civil. Still, she dropped another surprise when she recently called me asking for some help with a personal problem. She’s asking for advice and needs me to help her with another person who I know very well. My friends thought that it was weird in view of our history. Others say she was, as usual, using me and they advised me to stay clear of her. I think I want to help her. Is she using me and I’m allowing myself to be used? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I say “No”? How should I handle this?

User Friendly

While you’re in the “giving” mood, maybe you should consider her move as reaching out. Especially as she is asking help with a personal problem, this means that there are very few people she relies on and takes advice from. On one hand, that’s good for you because she’s letting you know that you’re important. On the other hand, it is kind of strange, considering your past. Maybe you should talk to her before you do any “helping.” That she even thought you were willing to help her means that she thinks all is forgiven and forgotten. If it’s not, then tell her. Help her only if you sincerely want to do so. You don’t need to be the martyr here. After all, she did spread lies about you. The ball’s in your court. 

China

I would consider this to be a victorious moment for you. Her needing something from you must be eating her up. And unless she’s very callous, it must have taken a lot for her to ask. Your choosing to help her means you are gracious in victory. That says a lot about your character. I don’t blame your friends either for advising you to stay away from her. They’re just protecting you from what could be hurtful to you. Is she using you? Of course she is. She’s using you and your contact for her end. Are you allowing yourself to be used? No. You are helping her because you are a gracious winner. Why can’t you say “no”? I don’t know you at all, but the fact that you wrote in means that the relationship is bothering you in spite of your history. This tells me you are a softy when it comes to friendships. So, if it’s not too much bother, help her and be the bigger person. Just be careful. Set boundaries. Don’t go all out like you did when you were friends. Remember she did betray you once before.

Maimai

You probably want to help her because, as with all friendships, there are bad times and there are also good times. That you remember the good history more than the bad is healthy for your soul. However, it is odd that she’s asking you for help, especially with something that’s personal to her. She’s probably desperate, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked for your help. She’s lucky because you seem to be a nice person writing that you are leaning towards helping her. Your friends are rightfully worried for you. They’ve seen you hurt and are suspicious of her motives. Be as cautious as your friends. It’s okay to help her if you get into it with your eyes wide open. It’s your fault if you make the same mistake twice

Tingting