Good behavior vs. free spirit?

Dear Mai-Mai, China and Tingting,

My friend and I have been close since college. We’re now both married, with two children each and still keep in close contact. We’re really okay except when we’re around the children. We are obviously bringing up our kids differently so that I don’t know how we can be so close yet so different. I’m not saying that my style is better than hers but when we’re together with the kids, I get so uncomfortable. To give you an idea of the differences, her kids are so well behaved while mine are more “free-spirited.” I feel she’s so strict with her children, while I am more relaxed. It’s to the point that I’d like to continue seeing her, except not together with our kids. While our kids do get along when they’re together, I feel uneasy seeing them interact. The funny thing is, my friend and I don’t discuss this difference. What should I do?

Mama

Dear Mama,

If your friend isn’t complaining and the kids are really getting along, you should leave it alone. It would be nice to see them grow up together and, maybe eventually, they will influence each other. Friends can’t be expected to have the same approach to everything. Sometimes it’s this difference that attracts one to the other. I would wait and see how the situation progresses. I don’t understand your uneasiness when they’re together. Could it be because your children are having too much fun while hers are subdued? If as you say they are getting along, maybe they understand each other more than you think. Leave them be and continue observing — unless, of course, your children, her children or your friend starts complaining. – China

Maybe you should start discussing it. You’re friends, right? Discuss the differences in a way that maybe you can learn from each other and even find a middle ground. If you instigate the conversation, make it appear that you want to learn from her. You said she was so strict and you’re relaxed — it’s like one being at the far right and the other at the far left. A middle ground might not be a bad idea. Being too “free-spirited” is as troublesome as being too “behaved.” Think about it. In the meantime, take care of the friendship. It’s hard to find friends. Besides, among other things, friends should complement each other’s shortcomings and help each other grow. – Mai-Mai

I would let sleeping dogs lie. I wouldn’t open up a topic that could in all probability cause a rift between you. I think that you should continue seeing her but also limit the times the kids are together. For example, when you agree to meet, don’t bring up the children unless she suggests that you both take your kids along. Or, at certain times, you should initiate it by mentioning that maybe you should both leave the kids at home and meet alone for a change. Or when she says to bring the kids, you can say no, and make up some excuse. The bottom line is, if you’re uneasy, then you shouldn’t do it. For all you know, she’s uneasy too and just isn’t mentioning it – Tingting