Help, my family is falling apart!

Dear MaiMai, China AND Tingting,

My father died two years ago and my mother and a brother who was only 17 years old then sort of took over our small family business. Everything was okay for the first year but I noticed that things have become more difficult recently. I don’t know how it happened but they have been fighting more and more every day. Sometimes they argue about the business, sometimes it’s about my brother’s personal life — school, girlfriend or friends. I hate the shouting and I’m embarrassed when my friends hear them quarreling. I feel that I’m sometimes caught in the middle especially when I want to console one of them and, being only 16, I hate it! What can I do?

Trinity

 Let’s solve one problem at a time. I think the easiest one is you being embarrassed when your friends hear them quarreling. I think you should stop bringing your friends home for a while. At least until the tension is settled. You can relax and be with your friends in school or maybe ask permission from your mother if you can go instead to your friend’s house. That way, they don’t hear your brother and mother fight. Other than that, I think you should stay out of whatever arguments they are having and especially refrain from taking sides. It will be difficult because you can hear them; but sometimes, adults have disagreements you won’t be able to understand. The good news is that they’re mother and son. This means that they will need to eventually resolve their differences themselves. They can’t be at odds with each other forever. Be patient. China

Steer clear of taking sides. That’s my first advice. If you side with your brother, your mother might get hurt more than angry. If you side with your mother, your brother might feel betrayed. The bottom line is if one feels ganged-up on, the fighting might escalate. So avoid taking sides. My second advice is for you to busy yourself with more school activities. Aside from concentrating on your schoolwork, get involved in a sport or a socially relevant activity. It will take your mind off the problems at home and maybe allow you to stay in school a little while longer and hopefully avoid the shouting incidents. Finally, I suggest that you don’t lose hope. I am quite sure they know how you feel and as they are trying their very best to figure out how to shelter you from their differences, they are also trying to find a middle ground. All things will pass. A prayer will be of big help too. Maimai

Your mother is being a mother, scolding your brother when she sees he’s not doing the right thing with his life. Your brother, on the other hand, is challenging the authority of your mom knowing that he’s been through more than most guys his age. Who can you blame? No one. Who should you side with? No one. These were simply the cards you were dealt with. I think that if your mom and brother got through the difficult time that was your father’s death, they will also get through this phase. Be patient. In the meantime, I think you should do your part by being patient and letting them figure out how to solve their issues. I didn’t think I’d ever say it, but use what you kids nowadays use: an iPod and its headphones to shut out the shouting.  Tingting