Don’t drink like an idiot

It’s the season of cheer, which means there will be drinking. True, one may drink at any time of the year, and even the whole year if he or she wishes – or as the gene for alcoholism dictates – but during the holidays one is expected, even required, to drink. The ingestion of alcohol turns off inhibitions and promotes merry, madcap behavior at office parties. As a bonus, you might witness authority figures and other respectable types make complete asses of themselves while under the influence. You may then file away this fond memory and trundle it out the next time said authority figures lecture you on responsibility and propriety.

Sometimes drinking becomes an act of self-preservation, for instance if you are at an excruciatingly dull gathering full of people you detest. Then you must drink or fall into a coma, which should never be mistaken for drinking yourself into a coma. Drink allows you to be a buffoon, then later claim that you only acted that way because you were drunk. It loosens your tongue so that you can say things you are too polite or afraid to utter when sober. I know people who pretend to be drunk so they can behave badly.

A friend remarked that when you’ve had enough to drink, all women look like Uma Thurman and all men look like George Clooney. This is not entirely accurate. On the occasions that I’ve had a lot to drink, I did not see anything transfigured into George Clooney – unless he was Clooneyesque to begin with, which may have been what drove me to drink in the first place. I think what my friend meant was that large quantities of alcohol can blur your vision and impair your judgment: You can’t ascertain whether there is any resemblance to Clooney or Thurman, but you’re willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Do bear in mind that if you cannot hold your liquor, you may do something you’ll regret later, or worse, someone. It would be best if, at all Christmas parties, all cameras and mobile phones with cameras be taken away – Does the world really need an Xmas Party Scandal DVD compilation?

Drinking has always had romantic associations. Many great writers, musicians and artists were heavy drinkers. There is a popular misconception that one must drink in order to create. This is a load of crap. It is not the alcohol that makes you a genius. One is a genius to begin with; she just happens to drink a lot. I suspect there are far more people who drink out of the fear that they are not, in fact, the geniuses they think they are. Tom Waits, author of the song for which this column is named, was for many years a hard drinker.

Many of his songs are about drinking – Bad Liver and A Broken Heart, The Piano Has Been Drinking, and so on. Recently he became clean and sober, and released a new album called "Orphans." It’s brilliant, which tells us that it was always him and not the alcohol. If you have no talent, inhaling an entire distillery will not turn you into F. Scott Fitzgerald or Charles Bukowski, although your liver might be of use to medical research.

The trick to drinking at parties is to enjoy the taste. Don’t swill the liquor like an idiot, unless it is some awful rotgut or your life is so miserable you wish for instant oblivion, in which case, good luck to you. It distresses me to hear people claim that they hate the taste of liquor, they only drink for its effects. Surely with the mind-boggling assortment of wines and spirits in the word, there is something that will please their palates. Better yet, they should ask themselves why they need to pour liquor down their throats in order to make fools of themselves, when everyone should be able to make a fool of him- or herself without assistance. It is not good to be so repressed.

Enjoy observing the metabolic changes occurring in your systems (Is the room tilting?), and the psychological changes taking place in others (aggressive behavior, loudness, self-pity). Drink plenty of water, and you’ll drink everyone under the table. Never drink on an empty stomach, as that will get you hammered fast. Eat something fatty (I’m assuming you’re not on a diet, or you wouldn’t b drinking). Keep your liver working efficiently; ingest fructose. And bring someone to talk to – it’s so much more fun to laugh at drunks when you have scintillating company.

Cheers.