Cheap by numbers

My obsession of late is the trashtastic prime time soap called Footballers’ Wives. It’s like Dynasty with hotter hubbies and uglier wives. The plot is hysterical, but it’s the outfits that really make the show an event. Although not as in-your-face as Absolutely Fabulous, the FWs can certainly swing a Vuitton in the most unflattering light.

In celebration of our thrift issue – how to look chic without breaking the bank – I’d like to give you some tips on how to outdo the Footballer Wives in their game of spot the skank.

1. Wear fake. Nothing and nothing says "Sod off, you slag" like a cheap knock-off of the latest "It" bag. With all eyes on the bags du jour, it makes it even a snap for straight men to spot a pretender. I really don’t get why people do this. I mean, it’s bad enough you’re buying fake stuff that supports terrorism (The excuse of "I can’t afford the real thing, you know" is a piss in a cool cup. Counterfeits fund Osama, Kim and Co.’s manicure and slumber parties), what’s worse is that you have no shame doing so by going out in something as conspicuous as a bright red Channel or Prado bag.

2. Wearing your sexy stuff…all at once. It’s nice for a girl to show her naughty side by wearing maybe a silky camisole or a spiky heel every now and then. However, like making a salad, it’s kinda gross to put EVERYTHING in one bowl: different dressings, animals, fungus and dried fruit. We all know that the key to making a good salad is creating the right combination. In fashion, looking good means knowing how to mix the slut with the lady. If you are going to wear that cami with your vinyl mini, spiky heels and fishnets, you better be sure that your pimp is with you or prepare to be mauled! Now, if you want to look cheap and be sure of it, look in the mirror and see if you look like you have a two-digit price tag written on your thigh.

3. You look like something from Picasso’s Blue Period. We all know it’s now chic to experiment with makeup. However, when your cosmetics end up making you look like an experiment, you know you have succeeded in making yourself into a fashion rat. So going heavy on your really expensive eye shadow, eyeliner, blush, lip gloss and the two great enablers – lip liner and cheek frost – will have you looking like you belong in the express lane in no time.

4. Stink like a skank. Skanks are usually known, not for their body odors, but rather for their desperate attempts to mask any natural smells or STDs they might have. Going heavy on perfumes that come in cute hot-pink bottles is usually one way to sniff out a skunk skank. Ladies know to put on the Eau on the right spots, but the more unfortunate types just have the ability to put the "Ew!" in Eau by spraying it all over, including their fun zones.

5. Giving due to your crowning gory. Hair is the perfect accessory for seduction. You can flip it, run your naughty little fingers through it and even playfully make it sway by your eyes. However, if your hair has seen more action than Traci Lords, you’ll know that slutty hair equals a slutty look. Even if you are wearing the hottest new confection from Paris, if your hair looks like a rat’s nest with three different shades of "highlights," you will not come off as ironic or even cheeky.