Help! My ex is stalking me
October 13, 2006 | 12:00am
Dear Tingting, Mai Mai And China,
I have an ex-boyfriend who has been bothering me the past weeks. He wants us to get back together but I have moved on and I don’t want him in my life now. Even though I have told him this, he continues to call me in the office, and at home at late hours; he also texts and sends me e-mail. I told him to stop it, but he hasn’t. It’s almost as if he is around everywhere I look. Sometimes, I am so paranoid that I feel he is following me. Although I don’t have any boyfriend, I am entertaining suitors and I’m afraid that he’ll harass them as well. What should I do?
Adam’s Eve
Ignore him. Don’t give him any importance in your life. Reject his calls, don’t answer his texts or his e-mail. Steer clear of him. When he recognizes that you don’t have any time for him, he will get the hint. However, if you continue communicating with him, and he realizes that you’re bothered by him, he might see it as a sign that you still care and look at it as an opening. So be careful of how you react. Ask a common friend to talk to him on your behalf. If he doesn’t listen to you, he might listen to this common friend – an older brother perhaps, or someone he respects. Just remember that you should fight your instinct to answer his calls, texts or e-mail.
China
Is this sort of a "fatal attraction" thing and you sincerely believe he can harm someone else or are you just annoyed by his persistence? If it is the former and you’ve been privy to his bad temper, then I would suggest you talk to him one more time and tell him how uncomfortable he makes you. An e-mail or a phone call might not be the best way to do this so you might need someone to accompany you. While you need to repeat to him that you have moved on, you might also want to assure him that, sooner or later, he will find someone more compatible with him than you. If you notice an onset of violent reaction or signs that he won’t listen, then it might be wise for you to report his activity to the police. On the other hand, if you’re just irritated that he won’t leave you alone and you think he’s really harmless, then ignoring him might do the trick. The next time he calls, you should tell him that it is the last time you’re talking to him and that he should expect that you won’t answer any more of his calls, messages or e-mail. Let him know that you have moved on and he should as well. Just be careful that when you talk to him, you choose words that are exact but not rude.
Mai Mai
Maybe you weren’t clear enough when you told him to stop communicating with you. Sometimes, we are unaware that we send signals contradicting what we say. For example, when you told him to stop sending you messages, you probably smiled a bit, or even giggled in annoyance… sometimes out of frustration; we do that. Or perhaps the words you chose were not decisive enough – like, "You might want to stop calling me or sending me messages" rather than "I won’t answer any phone calls from you anymore." Or worst of all, did you use your sweetest tone of voice, almost pleading, rather than a firm tone, demanding that he stop? Because his behavior is making you very restless, I think you should talk to him again and it will be a good idea to bring a friend to help you. It might also be good if you talk to his friends and ask for their support in this. Being paranoid means you don’t feel safe and that’s no good. It’s really up to you.
Tingting
Send your questions to sistersact_ys@yahoo.com
I have an ex-boyfriend who has been bothering me the past weeks. He wants us to get back together but I have moved on and I don’t want him in my life now. Even though I have told him this, he continues to call me in the office, and at home at late hours; he also texts and sends me e-mail. I told him to stop it, but he hasn’t. It’s almost as if he is around everywhere I look. Sometimes, I am so paranoid that I feel he is following me. Although I don’t have any boyfriend, I am entertaining suitors and I’m afraid that he’ll harass them as well. What should I do?
Adam’s Eve
Ignore him. Don’t give him any importance in your life. Reject his calls, don’t answer his texts or his e-mail. Steer clear of him. When he recognizes that you don’t have any time for him, he will get the hint. However, if you continue communicating with him, and he realizes that you’re bothered by him, he might see it as a sign that you still care and look at it as an opening. So be careful of how you react. Ask a common friend to talk to him on your behalf. If he doesn’t listen to you, he might listen to this common friend – an older brother perhaps, or someone he respects. Just remember that you should fight your instinct to answer his calls, texts or e-mail.
China
Is this sort of a "fatal attraction" thing and you sincerely believe he can harm someone else or are you just annoyed by his persistence? If it is the former and you’ve been privy to his bad temper, then I would suggest you talk to him one more time and tell him how uncomfortable he makes you. An e-mail or a phone call might not be the best way to do this so you might need someone to accompany you. While you need to repeat to him that you have moved on, you might also want to assure him that, sooner or later, he will find someone more compatible with him than you. If you notice an onset of violent reaction or signs that he won’t listen, then it might be wise for you to report his activity to the police. On the other hand, if you’re just irritated that he won’t leave you alone and you think he’s really harmless, then ignoring him might do the trick. The next time he calls, you should tell him that it is the last time you’re talking to him and that he should expect that you won’t answer any more of his calls, messages or e-mail. Let him know that you have moved on and he should as well. Just be careful that when you talk to him, you choose words that are exact but not rude.
Mai Mai
Maybe you weren’t clear enough when you told him to stop communicating with you. Sometimes, we are unaware that we send signals contradicting what we say. For example, when you told him to stop sending you messages, you probably smiled a bit, or even giggled in annoyance… sometimes out of frustration; we do that. Or perhaps the words you chose were not decisive enough – like, "You might want to stop calling me or sending me messages" rather than "I won’t answer any phone calls from you anymore." Or worst of all, did you use your sweetest tone of voice, almost pleading, rather than a firm tone, demanding that he stop? Because his behavior is making you very restless, I think you should talk to him again and it will be a good idea to bring a friend to help you. It might also be good if you talk to his friends and ask for their support in this. Being paranoid means you don’t feel safe and that’s no good. It’s really up to you.
Tingting
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