How do I move on?

Dear China, Mai-Mai And Tingting,

I had a boyfriend who went to work in the UAE four years ago. We were together for two years until he went abroad and lost all communication because I moved to another dorm and he didn’t answer any of my e-mails. I felt heartbroken, but decided to move on after one and a half years of waiting. Last year, I found another guy who I really like and we’ve been on since November. Two weeks ago, I got a call from this old boyfriend saying he was going home and has now saved enough to marry me. I told him that we have not talked for four years and it was weird that he assumed I would wait for him just like that. I also told him that after a year and a half hoping he would resume contact with me, I got tired and decided to move on. Even if he knows I now have a boyfriend, he says he’s not giving up and still plans to pursue me. I am now very confused. We were very happy when we were together and the only problem we had was losing contact. Now, he’s back and I still feel something for him, although, I also have strong feelings for my present boyfriend. Please help.

Yellow Fever

You cannot love two people at the same time with the same degree. Dig deep inside you and find out whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. The decision lies solely with you. The thing you should remember is that you should be totally upfront with both of them and that you can’t leave either of them hanging and hoping you’ll choose them. If it is clear to you who you want, speak out immediately. If the decision is hard to make, then I suggest that to be fair to your present boyfriend, ask for a time-out so you can clear your head. Decide wisely because once you lose one or the other, it might be hard to get that relationship back.

China

He’s had his chance and he blew it. Now is your time to find happiness, which you obviously have with your new partner. Don’t blow that one. If he really wanted to stay in touch with you, he would have found you, regardless if you transferred dorms, schools or province. As long as you’re still in this planet, he would have found you if he tried hard enough. But he didn’t. Did he say why he didn’t answer your e-mails? If he said he didn’t receive them, I wouldn’t believe it if I were you. If he said he wanted to concentrate on work, he must think of you as a distraction more than an inspiration. This, too, is lame for me. I suggest that you first talk to your present boyfriend and explain the situation to him so he can prepare for things that may come. Second, find the opportunity to talk to your ex, preferably accompanied by common friends, and give him a run-down of events leading to your decision of moving on. What you’ve done following that decision is not his business. Finally, find closure. This will give the three of you some peace of mind to continue with your lives facing other challenges.

Mai-Mai

Maybe losing contact wasn’t the only problem you had with your ex-boyfriend. If you truly loved each other, you’d both have found ways to regain the connection. He has a family I’m sure he is in contact with and so do you. Besides, you have common friends who could have bridged that communication gap. Remember, if there’s a will, there’s a way. You probably were comfortable around each other, but unfortunately, this isn’t love and this isn’t enough to sustain that relationship. There should be a bit more than a spark to keep relationships going. Being out of touch for four years is odd in this age of electronic conveniences. I don’t think both of you tried enough. My guess is one was waiting for the other until both of you just gave up. This says a lot. This said, I think you should examine yourself and then talk to both men in your life. You’re bound to hurt the second guy so if you don’t want to do that, flatly refuse your ex and protect your present boyfriend. However, if you feel you’d want to take another chance with your ex, sever ties with your boyfriend immediately, so that he too can go on with his life.

Tingting

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