Should I stay or should I go?
June 9, 2006 | 12:00am
SISTERS ACT By Mai Mai & China Cojuangco …AND MOM REACTS By Tingting Cojuangco
Dear China, Mai-Mai And Tingting,
My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months. Three months ago, she and some officemates went on a night out. Unfortunately, they met an accident on the way home at about 3 a.m. She was seated in the front passenger seat so she was seriously hurt, requiring stitches in her forehead. She also broke her arm and some bones in her leg. She’s now undergoing therapy and I have been accompanying her to the doctor. My problem is, although I still want to be friends with her, I no longer want to be her boyfriend. I know she can feel my anxiety because each time I bring the topic up, she pretends to be in physical pain.
I didn’t know she was going out partying. Matter of fact, we were supposed to watch a movie the night of the accident, but she cancelled because she said she had to work overtime. The guy who was driving was someone who is pursuing her. Even if it was an innocent "unwinding" I feel betrayed because it seems she preferred to be with him than with me. I think we both changed after her accident. Because of this, I no longer want to have a relationship with her. How can I break up with her without seeming insensitive? My friends tell me to wait for her to fully recuperate, but I am afraid that if I stay with her longer, ill feelings might replace sympathy. What should I do?
Purple Haze
Is there any possibility for a second chance? If the answer is no and the split-up is bound to happen, then don’t delay it. No one can force you to be overly sympathetic to her especially since you are hurting. She’s in physical pain because of the accident. I am sure there’s some psychological effect there too, apart from the emotional trauma she is experiencing. While a heartbreak might cause her to deteriorate, she can’t hold you hostage because of her situation. And who knows? People react differently to adversity. If I were in her place, I’d much rather have genuine love than pity. I would prefer that we get it over with. For all we know, this heartbreak might motivate her to strive to get better. There’s nothing like anger caused by heartbreak to wake people up. It’s a survival mechanism. We make mistakes, we realize our mistakes and we try to mend fences (ask for second chances). If the mistake is too unforgivable, then pride will kick in and we will find someone who will accept us, warts and all. If she’s a strong lady, she knows that she committed a crime, and she must pay the time. However, if she’s a bit weak, then maybe you should postpone your bad news for another time and be more selfless.
China
You appear to still have some sympathy towards her since you continue to accompany her to the doctor. That’s good considering you also sound very bitter. Your reasons for wanting to break up with her are valid: first, loss of trust; second, she was disloyal; and the third and most important, change that caused you to grow apart. In some ways, your friends are right. Your timing could be better. On the other hand, you can’t be blamed for wanting to move on. If you decide to break up with her while she is having physical therapy, I don’t think she will take it against you. She knows what caused the problem and probably realizes that it will only be a matter of time before your relationship ends. She’s hanging on to every compassionate thread in your body and if you let her, she might really zap out all that goodness in you. Call it quits while you can still talk to each other decently. There is no best time for ending a relationship. After all, a breakup is a breakup.
Mai-Mai
It takes two to tango. Even if she cries, scream or beg, if you don’t want to be part of the relationship anymore, there is nothing she can do. At some level, she knows your reasons for wanting to break up with her. She has made the realization, so she is practically asking you for a second chance. Obviously, you’re not about to give her that chance because your feelings were hurt, too. She’s physically hurt, not mentally disabled. You can talk to her about how you feel. By delaying the inevitable, you’re prolonging your agony. It might seem to others that breaking up with her at this particular time is a bit insensitive. But she knows the real score and that is what ultimately matters. A word of caution though – be sure you’re breaking up with her because of reasons that are fair. This means that you’ve confirmed your suspicions, that you’re not nitpicking or that it is not because her accident has caused some physical deformity. When you make a decision, especially one that will affect another person, make sure that it is a decision you can live with.
Tingting
Send questions to sistersact_ys@yahoo.com.
Dear China, Mai-Mai And Tingting,
My girlfriend and I have been together for eight months. Three months ago, she and some officemates went on a night out. Unfortunately, they met an accident on the way home at about 3 a.m. She was seated in the front passenger seat so she was seriously hurt, requiring stitches in her forehead. She also broke her arm and some bones in her leg. She’s now undergoing therapy and I have been accompanying her to the doctor. My problem is, although I still want to be friends with her, I no longer want to be her boyfriend. I know she can feel my anxiety because each time I bring the topic up, she pretends to be in physical pain.
I didn’t know she was going out partying. Matter of fact, we were supposed to watch a movie the night of the accident, but she cancelled because she said she had to work overtime. The guy who was driving was someone who is pursuing her. Even if it was an innocent "unwinding" I feel betrayed because it seems she preferred to be with him than with me. I think we both changed after her accident. Because of this, I no longer want to have a relationship with her. How can I break up with her without seeming insensitive? My friends tell me to wait for her to fully recuperate, but I am afraid that if I stay with her longer, ill feelings might replace sympathy. What should I do?
Purple Haze
Is there any possibility for a second chance? If the answer is no and the split-up is bound to happen, then don’t delay it. No one can force you to be overly sympathetic to her especially since you are hurting. She’s in physical pain because of the accident. I am sure there’s some psychological effect there too, apart from the emotional trauma she is experiencing. While a heartbreak might cause her to deteriorate, she can’t hold you hostage because of her situation. And who knows? People react differently to adversity. If I were in her place, I’d much rather have genuine love than pity. I would prefer that we get it over with. For all we know, this heartbreak might motivate her to strive to get better. There’s nothing like anger caused by heartbreak to wake people up. It’s a survival mechanism. We make mistakes, we realize our mistakes and we try to mend fences (ask for second chances). If the mistake is too unforgivable, then pride will kick in and we will find someone who will accept us, warts and all. If she’s a strong lady, she knows that she committed a crime, and she must pay the time. However, if she’s a bit weak, then maybe you should postpone your bad news for another time and be more selfless.
China
You appear to still have some sympathy towards her since you continue to accompany her to the doctor. That’s good considering you also sound very bitter. Your reasons for wanting to break up with her are valid: first, loss of trust; second, she was disloyal; and the third and most important, change that caused you to grow apart. In some ways, your friends are right. Your timing could be better. On the other hand, you can’t be blamed for wanting to move on. If you decide to break up with her while she is having physical therapy, I don’t think she will take it against you. She knows what caused the problem and probably realizes that it will only be a matter of time before your relationship ends. She’s hanging on to every compassionate thread in your body and if you let her, she might really zap out all that goodness in you. Call it quits while you can still talk to each other decently. There is no best time for ending a relationship. After all, a breakup is a breakup.
Mai-Mai
It takes two to tango. Even if she cries, scream or beg, if you don’t want to be part of the relationship anymore, there is nothing she can do. At some level, she knows your reasons for wanting to break up with her. She has made the realization, so she is practically asking you for a second chance. Obviously, you’re not about to give her that chance because your feelings were hurt, too. She’s physically hurt, not mentally disabled. You can talk to her about how you feel. By delaying the inevitable, you’re prolonging your agony. It might seem to others that breaking up with her at this particular time is a bit insensitive. But she knows the real score and that is what ultimately matters. A word of caution though – be sure you’re breaking up with her because of reasons that are fair. This means that you’ve confirmed your suspicions, that you’re not nitpicking or that it is not because her accident has caused some physical deformity. When you make a decision, especially one that will affect another person, make sure that it is a decision you can live with.
Tingting
Send questions to sistersact_ys@yahoo.com.
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