Gonna get ya

Editor’s note: The author Paolo Belmonte was born on April 1 and is therefore a natural prankster at heart. The tips are for academic study only and Young Star by no means encourages their use. As all those TV shows warn: Don’t try these at home.

I’ve always been an avid reader. I particularly enjoy novels by Tom Clancy, Clive Cussler, Michael Crichton, and Stephen King. However, when I want a good laugh, I read The Revenge Encyclopedia. It’s full of nasty ways to get back at whoever deserves it, and it covers just about everything from abortion to zippers. Here are a few samples:

• Yohimbine hydrochlo-ride, a veterinary aphrodisiac, can be obtained from a pharmaceutical supply house. Find a way to slip a dose to your victim, your victim’s dog, her mother, her horse…

• Add soaps or detergents to your victim’s foods or drinks, or generously coat his drinking vessels or utensils with liquid dishwashing detergent and let them dry.

• Syrup of ipecac, a common purgative, is available at most drugstores. One tablespoon added to a sweet, heavy drink that will hide the taste and consistency of the syrup will cause violent projectile vomiting about 15 minutes after it’s consumed.

• Purchase some small pieces of graphite or a spoonful or so of graphite dust from a hardware store and gain access to your victim’s shower. Remove the showerhead and dry the inside, slip the graphite in, and screw the head back in place. Next time your victim uses the shower, he will be covered from head to toe in black graphite solution. As an added bonus, the shower will also be a nice mess. You can substitute a block of solid poster paint instead of graphite.

• Smuggle a syringe full of garlic oil into your victim’s bathroom and inject it into the toothpaste or squirt in into the bottle of mouthwash.

• You can make nitrogen tri-iodide by mixing equal volumes of common household iodine and ammonia and stirring thoroughly. It’s totally safe as long as you KEEP IT WET. Dry, this stuff is temperamental under its own weight. Apply some of the liquid nitrogen tri-iodide to your victim’s toilet seats, car doors, car tires, any area where there could be contact detonation.

• A chemical called bichloride of mercury will give the user a sore throat and will alter his voice.

• Make a smoke bomb by combining four parts sugar and six parts saltpeter. Heat the mixture over a low flame until it starts to gel into a plastic-like substance. Remove the goop from the heat and allow it to cool. As it is cooling but is still pliable, stick a few wooden match heads and a fuse into the mass. This device is non-explosive and nonflammable, but a pound of it will make enough thick smoke to cover a city block.

• To make your victim think his favorite appliance has seen its last, paint the prongs on the plug with several coats of clear nail polish. The polish will act as an insulator and prevent the current from getting through.

• Varnish the blackboards of your school using a can of artist’s spray varnish.

• Saturate some large, dry sponges with a thick starch solution. Squeeze them tightly into balls and tie them down as tightly as possible with tough string. Allow them to dry thoroughly and then remove the string, they will stay in their compressed state. Drop them into the toilet of your victim, flush, and walk away. The starch will dissolve, and the sponges will expand in the drainage system, causing disgusting backups.

• Stretch and place clear plastic wrap very tightly across the top of the toilet bowl so no creases show and then lower the seat gently to keep the trap in place.

• If your victim has a septic tank, dump household bleach down it to destroy the bacteria needed to break down the waste. The tank will stop working and will have to be pumped out. Or dump a pound of dry yeast into the tank. The yeast will grow quickly and give off odiferous gasses that will back up in the pipes and waft through your victim’s house.

The six rules given by the book ensure success and anonymity.

First, the punishment should fit the crime. Avenging a wrong is not about taking advantage of someone or becoming a bully yourself.

Second, as the old Sicilian proverb states: Revenge is a dish best served cold. Make sure that you allow enough time to pass between when the bully strikes you and when you retaliate to not call attention to yourself. The time you spend waiting and cooling off allows you to get all the details worked out.

Third, never leave a paper trail. Pay in cash for everything you’ll be using, never use credit cards or checks. Don’t use your home or work phone, or those of close friends or family, to make phone calls related to your retribution. Don’t use your own name, address, or Social Security number.

Fourth, buy all your supplies from out-of-town merchants. Don’t have any materials sent to your home or office.

Fifth, silence is golden. Never tell anyone who doesn’t have a need to know about your planned or executed revenge.

Sixth, never admit anything. Chances are, if you’ve followed the above rules, they can’t prove anything anyway.

You can order the book from Amazon.com. It’s worth every page.