Starlet express

First of all, I’d like to say that this will be the very last story on black I will ever do – for this season at least.
Let’s just say that the ink has run out for me and after three features on the non-color, I can now say I’m shameless. With that off my chest, I can now indulge in one of my guiltiest pleasures: the tabloid teen princesses. Tabloid addicts like me can stay in all night reading about who Lindsay left Marquee with, what really happened to Paris and Nicole and whether Jessica is getting a divorce. Not to mention what bags they’re toting and what shoes they’re wearing.

It’s the ultimate brain candy for the shallow soul. On our shores, Anne Curtis epitomizes today’s ultimate teen queen. With a roaring soap and TV stints (she is the lead in Kampanerang Kuba, and host of Qpids and The Buzz), divine girl-next-door looks, a cute boyfriend and with something these coke-addled tween queens may not have – a personality – Anne is ready to take over the world. She has also been the Petit Monde girl for the past seven years. The brand has been close to the heart of the fashion loving set ever since it began. They boast a selection of trendy and classic pieces that appeal to any kind of taste.

Here, she puts herself in her western counterparts’ shoes, but, in the end, I think I prefer her over those mass-manufactured former Mouseketeers (save for Paris and Nicole – money can definitely buy you everything).

Nicole Richie

Her not-so-simple life has left her 15 pounds lighter with an equally anorexic boyfriend and an engagement ring so big it seems to threaten to pull off her finger. However, her newly-styled self has made her, dare we say, almost as big as Paris. No wonder the former sidekick has now found herself basking in her own spotlight.

Nicole’s style pieces:

• Oversized shades

• Feminine and frilly pieces in delicate dimensions so as not to overwhelm her petite frame (she’s like 5’2, like Kylie).

• Fendi spy bag

• Famous new best friend looped around her arm

Jessica Simpson

She may be the hottest of them all, the virgin bride with a creepy father who once said, "Check out the Ds on my baby." And he’s supposed to be a Baptist minister! Her mother contends she has an IQ of 160, but her fame was mainly caused by her existentialist musings on tuna and chicken. She may be the Farrah Fawcett of our generation, but Jessica surely is still a southern girl at heart with a big shopping affliction.

Jessica’s style pieces:

• Lots of layered jewelry

• Even when doing a casual look Jessica always makes sure she looks like a million bucks.

• Sulking husband behind her

• Lots of shopping bags

Lindsay Lohan

Hard to imagine that this was the girl from Parent Trap, but now she is our answer to Ann Margret. With a white trash family making her desperate for some social credibility, which she finds in Paris Hilton. You can get the girl out of the trailer park but not the trailer park out of the girl. No matter, she’s now commanding eight million bucks a movie since Mean Girls and is rumored to have hooked up with Bruce Willis. One thing’s for sure: she hates Hillary Duff.

Lindsay’s style pieces:

• Freckles

• An easy, almost bohemian style

• Great shoes

• Aviator shades

• Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie in tow depending on this fair-weathered starlet

Mary Kate Olsen

A mega-multimillionaire, who is the other, more complex half of the Olsen twins and made all that dough right under our snooty little noses with Olsen twin merchandising, has made the dumpster look chic again. She always carries a designer bag to keep herself from looking too welfare goddess.

• Baggy clothes to overwhelm her diminutive frame

• Huge Starbucks latte

• Long scarf

• Oversized Balenciaga classic bag

• Saucer-eyed glassy look that screams "Beam me up, Scottie"

Paris Hilton

How an heiress was catapulted into worldwide fame is only something Truman Capote and Candace Bushnell could make up in another time and world. But it did and Paris has added another layer of millions to her millions, benefiting from her sex scandal and other lesser scandals. She may be the most stylish skank to hit the celebrity airwaves and she has us all hooked on her naughty little bits.

Paris’ style pieces:

• Dog (she traded in Tinkerbell for a smaller and younger model.)

• Low-cut anything

• Fresh off-the-runway pieces (Paris wears every trend the day it comes out.)

• Her 24 carat engagement ring (which actually looks scary)