Screwed by the in-law
June 24, 2005 | 12:00am
It was Her Holiness, the great Carrie Bradshaw that asked the question, "When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family?" Of course, she herself adored her then boyfriend’s mother, which is nothing to say towards the relationship Jennifer Lopez has with Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law.
When Fonda’s Barbara Walters caricature Viola Fields forces future daughter-in-law Charlie (Lopez) into a cake just after her son’s proposal, we know – or are disappointed to realize – that it won’t get any bloodier than this; the film, unfortunately, is never as dark as it wants to or should be. The sequence is, of course, all in Viola’s head, since in this sanitized PG-13 dimension where beyond-mediocre comedies are left to rot, risks, daring, or even the slightest bit of wit are big no-nos. The film so desperately wants attention, yet laughs don’t have the courage to be either exuberantly outlandish or playfully dark; while Meet the Parents successfully pulled off the former, Monster-in-Law fails disastrously at both.
Viola is a mother scarily attached to her grown son, played by the unusually vacuous Michael Vartan, giving a performance that makes even a marriage proposal look robotic. Thus her protectiveness upon meeting Charlie, a temp created as a feeble facsimile in the already played-out template of romantic comedy heroines, complete with accessory clichés as the gay best friend and the inevitable what-I-want-in-a-guy talk best left to Bridget Jones. Egos clash, glares are exchanged, and depending on varying variables, the film asks its audience to choose a side. The problem is characters are hardly likable, so saturated in their trifling faux-mean-spirited nature in a film that markets itself as the legendary Fonda vs. Lopez bout, and we are left with no one to root for.
Fonda, who’s been absent from the screen for 15 years, disappoints, horribly overacting in a role she could have easily played with a devilish curled lip; Lopez, on the other hand, doesn’t as much act as simply, forcefully, generically be. Not even the almost-always hysterical Wanda Sykes, as Viola’s assistant, is saved from this disaster. And I jumped in my seat upon seeing Harriet Sansom Harris, who plays Mrs. Huber’s seriously freaky sis on Desperate Housewives, in a less-than-a-minute role; I hoped she’d inject some sorely needed irreverence. She is, instead, left with a few insignificant lines.
Anya Kochoff’s inane screenplay oozes with the cheerless drivel of its own broad, petty humor, so literal-minded and sitcomish that compared to the rest of the gags, the Britney jabs I once thought were getting old prove fresh. Director Robert Luketic’s reference that one of a Britney lookalike’s favorite movies is Legally Blonde, which he helmed, may be the wriest line of the film that the subsequent Roe v. Wade boxing joke feels oddly trivial. And that isn’t a compliment.
Bottom Line: Like an ugly newborn pit bull with a pink bow around its head, Monster-in-Law’s bites are missing any teeth, resulting in an immaturely mean-spirited film so excruciatingly banal and unfunny its aching predictability veers toward the unpredictable.
Grade: D+
•Watch Hotel Rwanda. One of the best, most powerful films of last year finally, thankfully makes its way to Philippine cinemas. The true story of Paul Rusesabagina, a heroic hotel manager who sheltered over a thousand refugees in his hotel during the 1994 Rwandan genocide, is heart-wrenchingly devastating and difficult to watch – its imagery and sentiments often distressing – but provides a payoff so profound and moving. Don Cheadle is superb as the lead, but it is Sophie Okonedo, who plays his wife, that most amazes in a raw, shattering performance.
• Don’t watch Monster-in-Law.
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