Someday my prince will come

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a king, and his fair queen. Many years had they longed for a son, and finally, their wish was granted. A son was born, and they called him Charming.

Charming led (yes, it has to be said) a charmed life. He wished upon the stars for a whole new world, and there it was, shining, shimmering, and splendid. He never had to fight for what he wanted – they simply fell into his lap.

A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep.

Cinderella

So there was the Prince, as perfect as a Ken doll – in fact, his IQ resembled that of Ken’s, too – roaming the world and singing Hakuna Matata (means no worries). Then Mummy jerked the prince back home with a crook of her well-manicured finger. It was time to get Charming married.

Invitations (laser-printed and hand-delivered) were sent to every home that had a girl over the age of 14. In it, guests were requested to attend a Ball/Marriage Bazaar wearing their best finery. At the ball, the Prince followed parental instructions. He danced with the prettiest girls and flirted with the richest ones, until he was so bored he could hardly stand in his black patent-leather heeled boots.

Then Cinderella came in – as gorgeous as a bibity-bobbity-boo could make her. Charming dropped everything and swept her into his arms. Just when he was enjoying himself, the clock struck 12 and Cinderella went dashing down the steps, leaving behind a precious fiberglass slipper.

So what does the infatuated Prince do, but send his servant throughout the land to fit the poor, unsuspecting slipper on dozens of size nine feet. With the help of a couple of courageous mice and a horse, Cinderella fights her way for a turn to try on the shoe (anyone would fight if it were a crown, a title, and escape from housework at stake). Voila! The slipper finds its home on a servant girl’s foot, and Charming gets his bride without even so much as an I-love-you.

I’m wishing, I’m wishing, for the one I love, to find me today…

Snow White

Snow White is another classic example – she of the anemic skin and obsessive—compulsive tendencies towards cleanliness. The poor girl choked on an apple and was laid out in a glass coffin by seven dwarves with improbable names (they wanted to make a movie out of them but figured Dopey as a name was politically-incorrect). Along comes Prince Charming (hair blowing in the wind) riding on his white horse. He stops and stares in astonishment at the exquisite creature with hair as black as ebony, lips as red as blood, and a body as dead as a doornail.

Charming being a guy and all, when presented with an opportunity to kiss a girl without opposition (at that time, holding hands before marriage was outlawed), jumped at the chance and moved in for a kiss. He would have moved in for more if her eyes hadn’t popped open and surprised him into proposing marriage. Luckily, she was a princess, so Mama the Queen didn’t mind so much losing her darling boy. Besides, since Snow White was the Fairest in the Land, Charming figured she was the perfect escort for the Hottest Dude in Town.

I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream.

Aurora, the Sleeping Beauty

Charming decided to escape from marital bliss for a day of pampering himself in the spa (it is said that Charming was the man who first used the term metrosexual). As he was riding through the forest, he heard a voice singing. Charming lifted up his voice to join hers, and they finished an astounding duet worthy of Broadway.

To make the story short, Sleeping Beauty was kidnapped by the evil witch and cursed into a hundred-years’-slumber (unless, of course, she is kissed by her one true love). Charming, running late for their date because of his spa appointment, was also stolen away and chained to the lowest dungeon of the evil witch’s castle. There he languished for a whole day and night, crying for Mummy and cursing his fascination for musical theater.

Then (surprise, surprise!) three fairies rescued Charming and gave him the sword of truth and the shield of virtue to slay the evil witch. He dropped the shield, almost got thrown off a cliff, slipped on his cape, but the fairies managed to make him win in spite of himself. So he raced up the steps of the tower to do what he did best – he awakened Sleeping Beauty with a kiss. After all, he is her one true love (we all know who his is).

So the legend goes. Our hero saves the day without a hair out of place, marries various princesses (polygamy, unlike hand-holding, wasn’t outlawed) and fulfills their wildest dream.

Happily ever after, of course, isn’t assured for everyone. True, he married three of the most delightful and stunning women the world over. The first he married on the basis of a shoe size, the second because he had a particular fascination for dead bodies (CSI was popular back then), and the third because he woke her up. It’s not much of a basis for a long, fulfilling marriage, and years of group counseling can be seen in years to come.

But for as long as Prince Charming had himself, his mirror and his spa membership, we can be sure of one thing.

He lived happily ever after.

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