Sex by text

Hi Marc,

I want to solicit your views and comments regarding sextexts. I have a new friend who loves doing sensuous acts via text. She enjoys doing it every night. Is it the trend nowadays? Will guys appreciate her after knowing her habits? I pity her and want to stop her. What should l do?

Cool Girl

Having asked around, it seems like this so called sextext is quite prevalent nowadays. Personally I don’t think it’s as bad a habit as you think it might be so long as it’s done within reason and between consenting adults. For those out there who may be oblivious to this new way of bloating your cellphone bill, sextexting is exactly what it sounds like. Having sex via text. Basically it’s the updated version of phone sex, except you have the added bonus of thinking more about what you’re going to say, or in this case, write. Another bonus of this form of flirting (because essentially that’s what it is), is that where the phone sex of old was something fairly intimate between a couple, this new form can be done with a lot more anonymity. This means that not only can it be quite exciting and seductive, but it can also be a great laugh.

How can it be a laugh you wonder? Well what if you are just tripping on the whole idea and the person that you’re texting? Maybe you don’t actually have any interest in the other person, sexual or otherwise, but enjoy the reactions that you can elicit from them via text. Get someone in the mood enough and it’s amazing what they can come up to take the conversation to the next level ("Hah! You want to use whipped cream? I say we use whipped cream and chocolate syrup, not to mention the other essential ingredient to a banana sundae…"). Heck, you could even do it with your friends. However, it is cruel to string a person along too much as it could upset him if he takes it too seriously. So as with any other kind of flirting, be aware of your limits.

Generally speaking though, people sextext each other because there is some genuine attraction between them. It may start as a very strong physical attraction, and if the two people are in the right kind of mood, they can step it up to being more than the usual "gee, I think you’re really pretty" flirtexts. As I mentioned before, between consenting adults it’s fine and can also be a form of release. For someone with a lot of pent-up sexual energy (like your friend may have), there aren’t a lot of options for release unless she has a boyfriend or is married. It could be that she’s not the type to take it out in a physically intimate sense with a stranger, and so prefers to get hot and intimate using her fingers… hey! Get your minds out of the gutter! I meant using her fingers to text you perverts!

Just because your friend likes to sextext doesn’t mean she’s a floozy or anything as texting is not the same as following through on her impulses. I also don’t think a guy will think particularly badly of her just because she has a sensual side she likes to let loose via her phone. Just so long as they’re aware that if she starts to text them in that way it doesn’t mean she’s going to act like that when she sees them in person (although occasionally there are other sextexters out there who do want to take it to the physical level after the text-foreplay).

So in conclusion, I wouldn’t be stressed out about your friend and her "hobby". Maybe just remind her to keep it under control and don’t lead anyone on too much. Sextexting should be fun and harmless for both parties involved, but make sure you realize your limits and don’t substitute that or any other kind of "textpal" situation for conversing and interacting with real people face to face (although you should be extra careful if you want to take your sextext fantasies into the real world!). Remember, no matter how good a texter you are, nothing can replace the real thing.

Marc

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