Good writing, where are you?

Remember in 2002, when ecstatic children flocked to theaters with their less than enthusiastic parents just to catch the first big-screen adventure of "those meddlin’ kids" and their Great Dane, only to have their brains melted because of the film’s stupidity? Scooby-Doo’s commercial success didn’t assure a great film (it was, in fact, one of the year’s worst), and same goes for its sequel, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. And though we’ve yet to see if it’ll be able to surpass the original’s copious intake ($153 million in the US), Scooby-Doo 2 has already proven to be – believe it or not – worse than its predecessor.

Based on the original 1969 Saturday morning cartoon Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?, the movie returns with the first’s entire main cast, otherwise known as the crime-solving gang Mystery Inc.: now-married Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar as Fred and Daphne, respectively, Linda Cardellini as Velma, Matthew Lillard as Shaggy, and, of course, the film’s eponymous title character himself, Scooby. During the inaugural grand opening of a new exhibit in the Coolsonian Museum of Criminology dedicated to Mystery Inc.’s success, showcasing many costumes from criminals they’ve unmasked in the past, the gang’s reputation is tarnished as a masked villain brings to life one of the displays, The Pterodactyl Ghost, and turns the event into a chaotic mess (sort of like how the film is). After the masked villain empties the exhibit of all its costumes, the gang then learns that the evildoer is using a machine to bring the costumes to life. He then declares to the town of Coolsville his ultimatum: Make Mystery Inc. surrender or the monsters are unleashed (hence, the subtitle). And with several classic villains from the TV series like The Pterodactyl Ghost, The Black Knight, 10,000 Volt Ghost, and Miner 49er on their tale, the gang must solve the mystery before Coolsville is destroyed.

Scooby-Doo 2’s "mystery," the whodunit Mystery Inc. has to solve, is very similar to the ones of the series – very predictable; this is forgivable, considering the target demographic. However, I am not reviewing the film as cheap kid-friendly schlock, to which I’d give it an A+, but as an entertaining, enjoyable kiddie flick, hence the D-. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed is so preoccupied with pleasing its self-centered self with countless fart jokes and shoddy CGI that it forgets about the audience; sometimes even shocking, it’s astonishing to me how anyone, young or old, could find some humor in the movie remotely amusing (since when has "Sniff my butt" been called funny?). What’s more, subplots like Velma’s flirtations with the equally geeky museum curator (Seth Green) initially seem promising, yet is then pulled down with the rest of the story, adding to the film’s incredible incoherence.

Director Raja Gosnell wants so much for his film to be paid attention to that he layers it with so much cheap visual and sound effects – terrible-looking CGI, blinding neon colors, annoying and deafening soundóthat he definitely does catch our attention, but when we do look, he has nothing to show. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed is such a horrible film that a group of people’s extraordinary ineptitude couldn’t even result to such a failure; this film was deliberately created to be bad, so bad that it hurts. I couldn’t stand watching Scooby-Doo 2, and seeing it a second time would be masochistic.

Bottom Line: Unbearably painful to watch, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed tries so hard to be funny, yet turns out to be a loud, irritating mess of clotted incoherence; one of the year’s worst movies.

Grade: D-

To Do List Movies

Watch The Passion of the Christ.

Don’t watch Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed.

Watch the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. The new trailer for June 4th’s third Harry Potter film has great scenes of dementors, Patronuses, Sirius, and Hermione hitting Malfoy (you go girl!). And if this is any indication, Azkaban will be the best HP film to date, thanks to new, artsy director Alfonso Cuaron.

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