Material boy

Dear Marc,

I have a problem with girls; I express my love to them by giving material things. But my best friend thinks it’s a stupid idea because spending for girls nowadays are not the trend anymore. But I think surprising a girl with a gift is a romantic thing to do. Plus I believe that money is worthless compared to the happiness you’ll bring to a girl. I am confused now; I don’t know what to do. I need help Marc, because there is this girl that I want make a move on.

Confused Ronnie

Well, it’s nice that you’re a generous person (hmm, got any cars or planes you want to throw my way buddy?) , and I’m sure your former girlfriends were happy to receive the multitude of gifts you may have showered on them in the past, but you need to really come to terms with the way a real relationship should work. It should be built on a foundation of trust and mutual attraction (one-way attraction somehow just doesn’t sustain a relationship for very long). Attraction to the person that is, not just an attraction to the expensive gifts and other material things. If you are always generous and extravagant, you do run the risk of hooking up with the wrong girl. However, I like to be an optimist and to see the good side of people. I want to assume that most girls couldn’t care less about whether you give them expensive gifts or not. Sadly, I know that this is not necessarily the case, and there are some gold-diggers out there whose main interests are acquiring material things. These girls (and guys! Remember, men can be just as shallow and greedy as any girl) will fake affection and loyalty until it becomes apparent that the stream of gifts and credit cards finally dries up. Then they’ll move on to the next victim.

How do you find out if a girl might only be interested in you for the gifts or money (Apart from dropping those "honey, doesn’t this diamond necklace look great on me?..." type of hints that is)? I guess you stop giving the gifts and see if they still hang around. Just let them know that you’re having some financial trouble or whatever and see if they behave colder to you in some way. If they start ignoring you and talking about splitting up, or suddenly start showing a lot more interest in other guys (especially rich ones), then you’re probably better off without them. If a girl really loves and cares about you, she’ll feel the same way about you no matter how poor you are. I’ve been in situations in the past when my girlfriend and I have had to pool our money just to buy an ice cream, knowing that we’d have to save some coins to get home before our next paycheck. And here in the Philippines my ex and I would share four sticks of barbeque and two cups of rice for dinner because P50 was all we could afford at the time. At the time she had any number of rich guys willing to shower her with expensive dinners and gifts, but she was content to stay with me and enjoy a very simple yet frugal relationship. That’s what a real relationship should be about.

I have to admit that any time I did have some money, I wanted to save up and buy something nice for her. I always made sure I budgeted somehow so that I could afford to buy her a new dress for our monthly anniversary. It became a tradition, even during the really lean times, so I do know how you feel when you say that you like to buy nice things for a girl you care about. It’s not necessarily about showing off (except maybe for some mayabang guys who feel they have to prove something), but rather the act of giving itself. We want to do something to make the girl happy and feel special. And her knowing that it took an effort to save up for something makes the gift much more special than if it was something you didn’t really have to work hard for.

I’m not sure what your friend means about gift-giving not being a "trend" anymore. I don’t think it’s really something that is in or out of fashion at any time. It is really up to the individuals and how they feel. I think a girl will always appreciate a gift, although it doesn’t have to be something of great monetary value. You’ve heard the expression "It’s the thought that counts"? Well there is a lot of truth in that. It’s not really the cost of a gift, but rather really being in tune with the person to know what they would appreciate. Even more important is that it really comes from the heart. Speaking to my ex from time to time, she tells me that her most treasured gift from me is not the gadgets or jewelry I bought her later on in our relationship, but rather the scrapbook of the two of us that I made for her on our first year anniversary. Total cost to make was probably only a couple of hundred pesos, but the time, effort, feelings and memories that went into it made it more precious than anything else.

So not all girls are materialistic, and you just need to make sure that the one you’re interested in isn’t as well. Don’t be scared of giving gifts just because your friend says it isn’t trendy. Do what comes naturally to you. If you strive to be someone you’re not then you’ll just end up feeling uncomfortable with your actions. My suggestion is just be yourself with this new girl and see what happens. If you’re concerned about the materialistic thing, then just don’t go overboard right away. Traditional flowers and chocolates are fine to start with, or maybe a little something from time to time just to let her know that you’ve been thinking of her through the day. Even a cute card or note will do. Remember, a nice girl likes a guy to be thinking of her all the time, a not so nice girl prefers to be bought off by flashy gifts. Try and look for the former. Not only will it be less draining on your hard-earned savings, but the relationship will be infinitely more worthwhile and lasting in the long run.

Marc

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