COURTING TROUBLE
December 5, 2003 | 12:00am
Hey Marc,
I have a problem. There’s this guy who is courting me, and I think he’s really nice. But I don’t really want to get into a serious relationship at the moment. I’ve tried hinting this to him, but he hasn’t taken the hint yet. Should I just tell him straight out? I really want to keep him as a friend so I don’t want to scare him off completely! Hope you can help.
Just A Friend
Wow, some girls have all the luck! I get so many questions sent to me about girls wanting to attract nice guys or develop something with their guy "friend," and here you are, wanting to ditch a nice guy! To be fair though, just because someone is nice doesn’t mean that you have to be attracted to them (in fact, some girls are more attracted to the not-so-nice guys).
At the moment, you say the reason you’re not interested is because you don’t want a serious relationship yet. Are you sure that’s 100 percent true? Or would you change your mind if a guy you really liked came along to court you? Have a good honest look at yourself and decide what the truth is. There’s nothing wrong with realizing that it’s the guy who turns you off more than the idea of a relationship, or maybe it’s a combination of both?
Whichever it is, you’re going to have to get the idea through to him somehow. Guys can be pretty dense sometimes, or maybe it’s just selective attention to detail. They may notice that you like a certain kind of food and remember to invite you to a restaurant that specializes in that cuisine, but they can turn around and forget that you’ve stood them up for that invitation three times in a row. They say love is blind, but a guy in courting mode can also be deaf and dumb to subtle hints of rejection.
I know you still want to keep this guy as your friend, which is very admirable and something more guys (and girls) should try to do with their exes/courters/flings.
However, in trying to let him down too lightly, you’re running the risk of him not getting the picture. I remember one time I was trying to date a girl. We got along great when we were together, and enjoyed the same things. We’d even go out and hang out with her friends sometimes. I thought everything was moving along, albeit slowly. What I seemed to ignore was the fact that I got no special attention when out with her and a group of others, plus she stood me up for a couple of dates because she was tired (but then went out with her friends later). Sounds pretty obvious to the outsider that she just regarded me as a friend and didn’t want it to progress further, huh? Well I didn’t see that at all, and there’s a good chance your friend doesn’t either.
Guys can’t take a hint because they don’t want to. We hate the idea of rejection as much as a girl does, so we try to ignore it. This is not to say we’re complete wimps, just that we sometimes have a never-say-die attitude that isn’t conducive to giving in too early. So this means you need to spell things out to your friend. As always, honesty (garnished with a sprinkling of tact and consoling) is the best policy. Tell him straight up that you don’t want to get seriously involved at the moment, and don’t know when you will be ready for that. Also tell him that you value him highly as your friend and don’t want to lose that. Be sincere and try to convince him that you can be a better friend than a girlfriend at the moment. Don’t give him false hope by saying you might be ready for a relationship in such-and-such time or anything either, as that will just mean he’ll keep chasing you till then.
Treat him as an equal and a real friend and eventually he should start doing the same to you (unless he’s one of those immature people who refuse to talk to exes and people who reject them – a sure sign of insecurity). Of course, the best way to help him get over you is to introduce him to one of your cute and nice girlfriends. Nothing distracts a constantly rejected courter than an equally attractive new muse who may be more responsive to his advances. Especially when he has your blessing. Who knows, they might hit it off and you could be the perfect go-between for a budding relationship between two friends.
Marc
Send your questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.
I have a problem. There’s this guy who is courting me, and I think he’s really nice. But I don’t really want to get into a serious relationship at the moment. I’ve tried hinting this to him, but he hasn’t taken the hint yet. Should I just tell him straight out? I really want to keep him as a friend so I don’t want to scare him off completely! Hope you can help.
Just A Friend
Wow, some girls have all the luck! I get so many questions sent to me about girls wanting to attract nice guys or develop something with their guy "friend," and here you are, wanting to ditch a nice guy! To be fair though, just because someone is nice doesn’t mean that you have to be attracted to them (in fact, some girls are more attracted to the not-so-nice guys).
At the moment, you say the reason you’re not interested is because you don’t want a serious relationship yet. Are you sure that’s 100 percent true? Or would you change your mind if a guy you really liked came along to court you? Have a good honest look at yourself and decide what the truth is. There’s nothing wrong with realizing that it’s the guy who turns you off more than the idea of a relationship, or maybe it’s a combination of both?
Whichever it is, you’re going to have to get the idea through to him somehow. Guys can be pretty dense sometimes, or maybe it’s just selective attention to detail. They may notice that you like a certain kind of food and remember to invite you to a restaurant that specializes in that cuisine, but they can turn around and forget that you’ve stood them up for that invitation three times in a row. They say love is blind, but a guy in courting mode can also be deaf and dumb to subtle hints of rejection.
I know you still want to keep this guy as your friend, which is very admirable and something more guys (and girls) should try to do with their exes/courters/flings.
However, in trying to let him down too lightly, you’re running the risk of him not getting the picture. I remember one time I was trying to date a girl. We got along great when we were together, and enjoyed the same things. We’d even go out and hang out with her friends sometimes. I thought everything was moving along, albeit slowly. What I seemed to ignore was the fact that I got no special attention when out with her and a group of others, plus she stood me up for a couple of dates because she was tired (but then went out with her friends later). Sounds pretty obvious to the outsider that she just regarded me as a friend and didn’t want it to progress further, huh? Well I didn’t see that at all, and there’s a good chance your friend doesn’t either.
Guys can’t take a hint because they don’t want to. We hate the idea of rejection as much as a girl does, so we try to ignore it. This is not to say we’re complete wimps, just that we sometimes have a never-say-die attitude that isn’t conducive to giving in too early. So this means you need to spell things out to your friend. As always, honesty (garnished with a sprinkling of tact and consoling) is the best policy. Tell him straight up that you don’t want to get seriously involved at the moment, and don’t know when you will be ready for that. Also tell him that you value him highly as your friend and don’t want to lose that. Be sincere and try to convince him that you can be a better friend than a girlfriend at the moment. Don’t give him false hope by saying you might be ready for a relationship in such-and-such time or anything either, as that will just mean he’ll keep chasing you till then.
Treat him as an equal and a real friend and eventually he should start doing the same to you (unless he’s one of those immature people who refuse to talk to exes and people who reject them – a sure sign of insecurity). Of course, the best way to help him get over you is to introduce him to one of your cute and nice girlfriends. Nothing distracts a constantly rejected courter than an equally attractive new muse who may be more responsive to his advances. Especially when he has your blessing. Who knows, they might hit it off and you could be the perfect go-between for a budding relationship between two friends.
Marc
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