Should I give my boyfriend a second chance?

Hi Marc!

You know I love reading your column every Friday. But this time I’d like to ask for some advice. I love my boyfriend, we were steady for almost three years but then on an unexpected event he cheated on me. He met this girl in one of his tournament games. The girl doesn’t want to ruin our relationship but then it’s there na! I broke up with him but he tells me that he loves me, and that he doesn’t want to lose me. I also feel the same way for him but then I don’t know if he’s serious. What should I do? Does he deserve a second chance? If so will our relationship work above everything that has happened? – Confused Gal

I’ve often said that a relationship should be built primarily on trust. If you can’t trust someone then you will both end up spending a lot of your energy being jealous, suspicious and angry at each other. Not only because of the suspicions, but also because your partner may become just as possessive of you in return. It is sometimes the guys that do the most fooling around who are the most jealous and possessive, simply because they’re messing around and therefore think their partner is just as susceptible to it.

Of course I’m not saying that you have fooled around, or even that your boyfriend has done this on a regular basis. Just that your relationship has now hit a big pothole and it remains to be seen if you’ll still be able to salvage it, or if this is long-term damage.

Now three years is a long time for a relationship, and although temptation is always around, you usually trust the love you have for one another to keep you from straying (either that or a good chain leash). What you need to ask him is why he felt the need to be with this other girl. Was it purely physical? Just for the excitement of doing something he wasn’t supposed to? A need for variety? Was he just really attracted to the girl? Drunk?

The reason I’m asking this is to figure out if he’s likely to do it again. If it was because he liked the excitement, then what if he feels the need for that excitement/variety again? (hopefully he doesn’t upgrade the variety to include small furry animals). Or if he meets another girl (or gerbil) he’s really attracted to? One of the worst (yet still the most common) excuses is saying he was drunk, as that means he has no self control when he drinks, and will make you wonder every time he goes out at night.

If he tries to justify his actions, then maybe he doesn’t realize what a big screw up he’s made, and there could be a chance he’ll do it again. However, if he’s a miserable wreck and realizes that it was a huge mistake that he regrets doing and takes full responsibility for the consequences, then it might be possible to salvage the relationship if he abides by some new rules (I wasn’t kidding about the chain leash).

So if you really think you want him back and he deserves a chance, then make him work for his mistake. Don’t get back together straight away. Taking this little break from the relationship will remind him what life would be like without you, and also give you time to rediscover your independence. If you get back straight away, he may take it for granted that you’ll always accept him back every time he cheats, which is a big no-no. It will also give him time to reflect on whether being together with you is what he really wants, or maybe his cheating was a subconscious desire to get out of the relationship. Not really pleasant for you, but better the truth than living a lie.

If he still wants to be with you after this break, then you set the ground rules that if he ever cheats again, then that’s it. No third chances. He’ll also have to expect that he will have to work doubly hard to regain your trust, and it will take some time before things will be back the way they were. You may even want to start from scratch with the dating stage again before really getting back together.

This may all sound pretty hard on him, but hey, the choice is either put in the time and effort, or stay broken up. If he really loves you as much as he says, then he’ll gladly do whatever it takes to get back together with you, and do things according to your rules for a while. I know you want him back, but only by really appreciating what he’s got to lose can he commit himself back into a regular relationship with you (minus other girls, gerbils and leashes...unless you’re going for a really bizarre kiss and make up session). – Marc

My Dad’s A Fault-Finder

Hi! I’m really fond of reading your column and I like your advice very much. My father is very religious. He’s a charismatic group member. In spite of all of this he’s a fault finder. Others say that he’s a perfectionist, and I agree with that. He corrects my attitude and that of others because he wants us to be better people. I know that getting hurt is inevitable but I think his ways are not helpful. He won’t even notice the positive things about myself and others. He combines misplaced anger in the process. Because of this, I’m starting to lose my respect for my own father. I hate this but I can’t help it. What should I do? Please help. Thanks! – Downed

It’s one thing to be a perfectionist, but quite another to be as hard on others as you may be on yourself. I daresay that your dad pushes himself pretty hard, and that’s his prerogative. But just because he responds well to that mindset doesn’t mean others will too. People handle criticism in different ways, and a lot of the time it is dependent on how that criticism is delivered.

You may have heard of the term "constructive criticism." This usually refers to suggestions for improvement. For instance, if your boss takes you aside at work one day and tells you that you’re getting sloppy and could work more efficiently, then it would be in your best interest to listen to him and do what you can to improve your work ethic. However, if he shouts at you for being a lazy good for nothing in front of the whole staff, then he’s just embarrassing and belittling you in public which is doing no good at all.

So if your dad is giving you private constructive criticism, such as advice on how to improve yourself, then you should listen and respect his advice, but ultimately decide for yourself if it’s in your best interest to heed it. However, if he’s just nitpicking and always getting angry with you for your mistakes, then that doesn’t do much except make you resent him. It’s one thing for someone to strive to be their best in order to impress someone, whether it be a partner, parent or boss, but the person you should strive for the most is yourself.

The fact that you say that he also incorporates his misplaced anger into his criticisms of you makes things even worse. If you want to help correct someone’s faults, then your advice should be based on facts, and delivered in a calm, reasonable and balanced way. Getting emotions involved, most especially anger, is a big mistake, as that usually makes the person you’re trying to motivate want to rebel and do the exact opposite of what you want them to do, or respond with an equally angry or even violent reaction (slamming doors, shouting etc). This is extremely counterproductive.

So how do you make your father stop this? Perhaps you could try explaining to him (when he’s in a calm frame of mind and you’re both getting along well) that you feel like he doesn’t care about you when he treats you that way. Tell him you understand that he wants you to be your best, but he should gently guide you in the right direction rather than putting his foot in your back and shoving you forward. Remind him of the times that you have done something worthy of his praise, and explain that by not acknowledging your successes, he has done more harm than good. If he congratulates you on a job well done, then you’re a lot more likely to want to do a good job again so you can receive those congratulations again in the future.

It’s also a good idea to tell him that by treating others the same way as he treats you, he’s alienating them and is in danger of becoming quite unpopular. No one likes a bully, and I daresay your dad probably doesn’t realize that people may view him as one. As I said before, make sure you mention all of this when he’s in a good mood and less likely to blow his top about it. He’s likely to go on the defensive in order to justify his actions, as he probably doesn’t appreciate criticism much either.

In fact, if he starts to object too much, you may mention to him that he now has a tiny idea what it feels like for someone to point out your faults, except that you get it from him a lot more often. Remember not to get your emotions too involved though. Explain things nice and calmly, maybe even joke about things a little to put him at ease, or enlist the help of your mother or sibling to help explain.

Be aware though that some people are quite inflexible and set in their ways. For your sake, I hope your dad isn’t one of them. It’s a terrible thing to lose respect for someone who has raised you, and I know of quite a few sons who are estranged from their fathers for this very reason. Too much criticism and not enough love and bonding.

On your part, the best thing you can do is try and explain the situation, and then be as patient as possible. If your dad can’t change, then try and learn how to be calm enough to deal with it. Remember, he’s the one criticizing you and others, but it sounds like he may be the one who needs some pity and understanding. Don’t let him get to you and remind yourself that you’re above his little power trip and are strong and independent enough not to need his stamp of approval. – Marc

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