Me, myself and Dad

Most fathers and their children get stuck in a pattern of interaction where rifts are created and feelings are hurt. So, who among us haven’t uttered a curse in his heart against his father? At first, I was reluctant to write about my dad. Couldn’t even think of a thing to write about. But I was inspired by what my grandfather told me, "He might have hurt you, but that won’t change the fact that he’s still your dad. No matter the pain or humiliation he has caused you and your family, learn to forgive and give respect." So, might as well look at my dad’s positive attributes.

There was an eerie silence when I first learned that my dad was never coming back to us. We became forlorn. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that Dad could simply turn his back, walk away without any explanations or without any hints that our family was about to fall apart.

You know how it is in our country. Once a man abandons his wife and children, and starts a new life, it sends shock waves throughout the community.

"What kind of man would do such a thing?" asked by the people in our community. There were no words from him. No letter to his children. No explanations whatsoever to his wife. Is it still possible to forgive such an act? Because we couldn’t help but wonder if he could ever forgive himself for the things he did to us. I always thought paternal love was eternal. But that may be more myth than fact. So, what we did was wait for the angels of forgiveness.

The first time I heard the song, Butterfly Kisses, it really hit me right there and then. And up to now, I still cry whenever I hear it. You might call me a sentimental freak, but I’m not at all mushy. The song speaks about a father who has a good relationship with his daughter right up to the time she finally walks down the aisle. And the lady who used to be daddy’s little girl throws his dad butterfly kisses just the way she used to do when she was a child.

In my case, when the time comes to walk down the aisle, I am not sure if my father will be present to lead me to the man I will marry. Just thinking about this hurts me so much. Maybe I’m just dreaming castles in the air by expecting my father to be at my wedding. If he didn’t bother to see my brother when he got married years ago, why should I expect to see him on my special day?

Who was my daddy, really? I don’t know much about him. He was a big man with a big voice. When my dad was young, his father died, leaving his mother to take care of the children. She had a hard time doing so. Thus, she had no choice but to give each of her children to relatives in order for them to have shelter, a decent meal, clothes and the opportunity to go to school.

Life wasn’t easy for my dad. He had to walk from his house to get to get to school, which was like going to Megamall from Cubao on foot. He wasn’t given money for transportation. He had to endure the long walks everyday. As a result, his shoes that were way too big for him got worn out. He couldn’t ask for a new pair. He had to wait until the next school year. So, he tied up his worn-out shoes with a piece of wire.

That broke my heart when I first heard the story. The only problem we have with shoes these days is matching them with our clothes.

I can still recall my dad fetching my brother and me from school, and his little surprises for us. Nothing fancy: A pencil case with our names scribbled on it. I kept mine until I reached college. Not all fathers would exert that much effort.

One time, to save us from wading into floodwaters one rainy morning, my dad carried my brother and me (both with our heavy bags) on his back. He was soaked. He didn’t mind. While I was writing this piece I couldn’t help but smile and weep at the same time as I remembered the things we did with dad.

If only I had a chance to communicate with my own father.

Allow me to speak to fathers who are planning to leave their family: Think of the children. It won’t be easy for kids to accept their father’s loss.

To fathers who have already done so, but have changed heart and want to return to their families, you should bear in mind that regaining the kids’ trust can be a lengthy and painful process. Don’t give up. Make phone calls. Write letters. And hope that something good will happen.

To kids out there like me who have been abandoned by their fathers: Learn to forgive. For God will forgive us the same way we forgive others. Bitterness can develop roots in our soul. Even if relationships need a lot of mending, always remember not to close the door to those who want to return home and bring the family together.

To all dads out there, "Happy Father’s Day!" The same goes to you, Dad. Everything written here comes from my heart. Things may have changed but you being my father will remain forever. I love you still.

Hope you received my butterfly kisses this morning.