Torn between two boyfriends

Dear Marc,

Hey! I always make it a point to read your column. It just makes my day. I’m writing you because I have this problem. I’ve been in the US for two years now but I only started dating last month. I’m seeing this guy — he’s 24 and I’m 19 and I don’t know how to treat him. Is he expecting more or what? Also, I still have a boyfriend back home. Help! — Kasukasukang Ganda

First of all, before you start worrying about what to expect from your new boyfriend, don’t you think it might be a good idea to break things off with your old boyfriend in the Philippines? Call me strange, but I’ve never been a huge fan of cheating on partners. It’s completely understandable that you’ve been living away from the Philippines for a couple of years and miss having someone around. It’s also understandable that there is nothing wrong with your boyfriend in the Philippines and therefore, there is good reason to break up… or is there?

Long-distance relationships are never easy, although they can work. It really depends on the level of commitment you’re both willing to make. From the sound of it, you’re getting kind of lonely and you’ve found a guy you’re interested in over there. Ordinarily, that would be great. However, with the other guy still in the picture, things can get a bit complicated.

I’m going to assume that the guy here in the Philippines doesn’t know about your new "friend" in the States. If he did, how do you think he would feel? Even though you know it would be unlikely for him to find out, it’s still better to come out in the open and tell him. Who knows? He’ll probably understand. There’s also the possibility that he may want to start seeing someone in the Philippines himself.

When I was in college, I had a long-distance relationship with a girl who lived in Sweden. It wasn’t easy at first, but we eventually came to an agreement: We could date other people when we were away from each other, but we promised to keep in touch and travel to see each other twice a year unless we either fell out of love or met someone new that we cared a great deal about. If neither of those things happened, then we continued the same as usual, no questions asked.

Admittedly this isn’t for everyone, but it might work for you guys if you’re having a hard time being truly committed to the relationship over such a great distance. At least it’s better than cheating on him, and if it doesn’t work out and you prefer breaking up, then once again this is preferable to betraying his trust (let’s just hope he would have the same consideration).

So what about the second part of your dilemma? You’ve now left the conservative Philippines and are in the liberal US of A. You’re dating a guy in the country that gave the world Sex and the City and Playboy. What can a sweet young Catholic Filipina expect from one of these broad-minded American boys? To be fair, there are a lot of conservative guys in the US as well, and even if they’re not that conservative, most should at least respect any decisions you might make concerning more personal matters. That being said however, it is fairly common for young couples to know each other on a considerably more intimate level before getting married than here in the Philippines.

I’m not saying that your new friend in the US is some kind of sex-crazed maniac (leave that to the Aussies), but just that you should be aware that he may be thinking along different definitions when you talk. An "intimate evening at home" to you might mean a candlelight dinner followed by talking over a bottle of wine by the fireplace and that’s it. His definition might mean dinner, wine and fireplace, and capped off with some horizontal folk dancing for dessert.

The best way of solving this dilemma is to try and casually bring it up in conversation and see what he has to say. You may want to mention your conservative family values or talk about an imaginary tita who remained chaste until she got married at 35, and see what his reaction is. If he says, "Wow, that’s really admirable," then it could be fine. If however his reaction is "What! Was she crazy or something? She just wasted half her life!" then I’d advise packing the mace and chastity belt for the next date.

OK, so maybe you won’t have to go that far. Or better still, maybe you’re just writing this letter to confuse your parents into thinking you’re as sweet and innocent as they think you are, when in fact you could even teach the Aussies a thing or two. Either way, just be aware of the differences in culture, but don’t necessarily be put off by it or the difference in age (five years is not that much). It should really come down to the person and how he is towards you and vice-versa.

Decide what you want to do with your boyfriend here, or at least make sure you keep both guys informed of what you’re doing and your commitments to either one. Personally, I think that if you’re going to be living in the US for good, then it might be a wise choice to officially split with your boyfriend in the Philippines, but still keep in touch as friends. That way, you have the freedom to enjoy an active social life where you are without feeling burdened with guilt or loneliness for someone who lives thousands of miles away. You’re still young, and if things were really meant to be with your original boyfriend, then you’ll be able to reconcile when you’re both a bit older and hopefully, living in the same country. In the meantime, be honest with your new beau (or any others you may meet in the future) about any fears or cultural differences that may be bothering you. It might be a bit embarrassing, but could save you both a lot of misunderstanding later on. — Marc

To Sir With Love

Dear Marc,

I’m 18 years old and a third-year student from Pangasinan. I often read your column and I find your advice cool! With matching jokes pa. Now it’s time for you to help me with my problem. I think I am in love with my professor. Or maybe I just have a crush on him. What are the signs of being in love? — Teacher’s Pet

This is a bit of a taboo subject, but probably a pretty common problem. Ever since we were kids, it hasn’t been unusual for us or one of our classmates to have a crush on an attractive teacher at some stage. Whether it be the guys lusting after the French teacher (gotta love the liberal outlook and sexy accent!), or the girls swooning over the English professor (must be all that romantic poetry).

What you need to realize is that much of the attraction happens because they serve as a role model and symbol of power and maturity. It’s quite natural that if they are nice people, as well as intelligent, and show an interest in you (e.g., they congratulate you for an assignment well done), then developing some kind of feeling for them comes fairly easy. What would normally be respect and admiration can quickly become feelings of a more romantic persuasion if other factors are added, such as, if you find them really cute, or if they’re a bit flirty (in a friendly way).

Another possible reason for attraction is that there is a certain excitement in "forbidden fruit" or wanting what you know you shouldn’t have. Of course, it could also be something a lot simpler than any of these reasons. Maybe he’s just a major hunk.

Whichever it is, I’m fairly confident that what you have is a crush. Why do I think that? Because you don’t really know him. Certainly you may see him every day at school, and discuss things regarding schoolwork or even light conversational stuff like what he did on the weekend, but do you really know him? You see him in his workplace, but have you met his friends? What are his hobbies? Is or has he been married? Any pets? Does he prefer Italian or Chinese? Do you even know if he’s straight or gay?

What I’m basically trying to get at is that you can’t really be in love with someone unless you really know him. That way, you know that you’re in love with him because of, and sometimes, in spite of all facets of his life and personality. If you only see one small section of his life, then what happens when you discover the more private side? It may not quite live up to your imagined standards of what you think he is like based on how he is at school. For all you know he could have a lousy sense of humor and smelly feet, but you don’t see that because when he’s working, he keeps his jokes to himself and his feet in his shoes (and maybe even a can of foot deodorant in his desk drawer).

There’s nothing wrong with having a crush on a teacher, just as long as you realize that it’s just that and you don’t let it get into dangerous territory like intimate student-teacher relations. Don’t even tempt him by flirting too much as he could quickly lose his job if people even suspect that the two of you have more than just an academic interest in each other. It would also be pretty hazardous to your reputation, even if it were just based on rumor and gossip. Instead, feel free to admire from a distance, but keep your feelings to yourself and just express them by getting straight A’s in his class. A hearty congratulations from him is the best kind of special attention you should expect. — Marc

For Love Or Money?

Hey Marc!

Hello there. I e-mailed you because I need your advice. I’m a fourth year high school student and when I took my university entrance exams in Manila, all my first choices were nursing. It’s an in-demand profession these days and I just want to be practical. Also, my parents prefer that I take up nursing. Lately, I’ve been thinking. In my heart, I want to be an artist. I want to take up Fine Arts major in advertising. Up to now, I’m still undecided. Which is better? Take a course that will help me earn lots of money but I probably won’t enjoy, or take a course that will give me satisfaction? — Undecided

Ah, the trials and tribulations of deciding what to do the rest of your life. What do you go for? The money or the passion? You say that for practical reasons, you have chosen nursing, as it’s in demand and would give you a better salary, but your passion lies in art. Pretty tough decision.

Let’s see. While it’s true that very few artists make a great deal of money (while they’re alive at least — look at Van Gogh who died penniless), the same is not necessarily true for those who get into advertising. So, a Fine Arts degree in advertising might not be as financially depressing as you may think. However, there are fewer openings in this field of work, and it really helps if you know someone in the industry who can give you a head start. From my understanding, work experience is as important as the degree when applying to ad agencies.

So how about nursing? Admittedly it’s not quite as exciting as advertising (I know I’d rather be chatting up the bikini-clad girls on the set of the latest beer commercial than changing bedpans), but as you say, there is a lot more demand for nurses out there. The added bonus is that the demand is strong not only here but also abroad, thus, giving you the option of working overseas and sending money home, or saving up for a house or something.

Which to choose? You say that you may enjoy being a nurse anyway (I was kidding about the bedpans), so it can’t be that depressing of an option. It also requires a good deal of formal training in order to get your license. Advertising, while being the direction you’d like to go will look for a Fine Arts degree, but won’t necessarily require it in the same way that nursing needs a license.

My suggestion is be on the safe side and go for the nursing qualification. It will keep you in good stead for the rest of your life and is handy to have. That being said, if you still crave to be an artist once you have your nursing degree, then by all means follow your dream. You may even want to take part-time courses during any free time of your nursing studies, or even better, ask a friend in the industry if they can throw any casual work your way, even if it’s just to gain experience. Just the mere fact that you have a degree (even if it’s not Fine Arts) with good grades (hopefully) will go a long way when applying for any job, including advertising. You may consider starting things off by doing part-time nursing shifts to subsidize art and graphic design courses, or to keep you afloat while looking for an advertising job. Remember, this is a better option than doing things the other way around. If you get a Fine Arts degree and then can’t find any advertising work, it’s a lot harder to re-enroll and start taking nursing from scratch than it is to take art courses. Best of all, if things don’t pan out with your artistic dreams, you’ll still have nursing to fall back on full time.

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