In vain and in vogue

Vanity has taken an unusual turn in recent years. Whether that particular turn is good or bad has yet to be seen. But for E-Male, it’s definitely a turn he can learn to live with it. After all and for the longest time, E-Male has always been jealous of his girlfriend. Not in the I-want-to-be-as-gorgeous-as-a-chick manner, but he does find it troubling that in every social event, it’s always his girlfriend that rakes up the compliments — from her dress to her shoes, her perfume to her makeup, her looks to her attitude.

It’s all well and good, E-Male knows, that the world has taken an aesthetic appreciation for his girlfriend, although unnecessary flirting by lesbians and guys meaner than he is corrodes the E-go. However, E-Male lives in the illusion that he is just as attractive a male as she is a female, and it wouldn’t hurt to get a little affirmation now and then.

He isn’t a Pierce Brosnan, but he could surely pass for at least his brother-in-arms in the latter’s swashbuckling adventures and misadventures. But people usually fail to recognize that it is difficult to match and bond with the flair and style of Mr. Bond. Not only does it take him hours to get that Brosnan hairstyle down pat, there’s always all that money he has to shell out for clothes and cosmetics.

Yes, cosmetics. And for all those still a bit clueless as to how a man could be associated with the word "cosmetics," you’ve just missed the unusual turn of vanity by a good hundred kilometers. This unusual turn refers to the male side of egocentrism, image-projection and plain, simple mirror staring. It’s always been commonplace to equate women with the word vain, but in reality, men love to dress to the nines just as much as women.

In the old days, male vanity was merely likened to the washing of their balls and the jamming of toothpicks up their teeth, but male hygiene has progressed from such primitive origins. Nowadays, the current definition of cosmetics encompasses the male perspective as well — with males finally admitting that they want to look good, and women surrendering to the fact that men could look just as good as they do.

The Filipino market has now recognized male vanity as a force to reckon with. Mercury Drug and a number of convenience stores have now allocated an entire aisle for male personal care. It’s nothing like the women’s section in most shopping malls, but it’s a start. Just count the number of dudes lining up for a year’s supply of Likas Papaya, Extra Strength Block & White and the enduring Eskinol for Men.

The introduction of hygiene adds to a list that includes OHM and High Endurance, partnered with an innumerable number of hair gels (Tricks, FIX, Dep, Gatsby and-a-thousand-others-with-bright-funny-colors), which grant the modern male a chance to exercise his consumerist right to choose (hairstyle and otherwise).

Axe has even given men a chance to pick from four various fragrances (with fancy names like Phoenix and Gravity) coming in all different shapes and sizes. Gillette (one of the classic oldies of male vanity) used to glorify shaving as a simple shave and split morning ritual, but with words like contour, texture and razor quality — it’s become more like sculpting than shaving. It’s open season for male vanity and soon enough it’d hardly be surprising to see products like Crystal Clear Adam’s Apple Cover-up Cream, DIY Chest and Back Hair Remover and — why not — Handy Dandy Penis Wash: Menthol Flavor!

Just check the magazine rack if you’re still a bit confused. You have everything from GQ to Men’s Health, Men’s Zone, Men’s Journal to FHM (phallic fixation is still a form vanity) - all screaming for its male audience to grab a copy and pose like the dude on the cover. Even car magazines and standard manly publications are ridden with cologne and stylish clothing ads. And in the barber shops and hair salons, men are referring to fashion magazines and celebrity profiles for the latest in hair styles.

The dermatologist’s office has seemingly been a female province until the turn of the century. Yet a trip to the pimple-pricker has now become as regular a destination for men as the gym (or sometimes, even more so). Speaking of which, the average alpha male no longer drops by the local gym to fulfill dreams of avid athleticism. Instead, the gym has become a sort of courtyard for carving and sweating off all that unwanted fat.

And the pressure for the perfect body has never been as heavy as it is now. As girlfriends chit-chat among themselves in one corner during a party, breaking new records in words per minute, all of them drooling over the bodies of actors and rockstars, their boyfriends just sit and stare at each other wondering if their girlfriends will leave them tomorrow. Talk on abs, chests, shoulders and biceps have definitely sent some threatening signals to the male populace. And then it’s survival of the fittest (literally) to keep the coveted female. It’s hardly a surprise anymore that the Cosmopolitan’s calendar sold just as many copies to men as to women (talk about pressure).

If this keeps up, within 20 years time, men will beat women in the field of vanity — by an eyeliner. Boy George and Michael Jackson must really be prophets of the species.

An absurd prediction to say the least, but hardly anything to do with having a sex change. Men are giving their female counterparts a run for their money, and the run just ain’t some friendly neighborhood stroll around the block. The truth is, women have begun to preoccupy themselves a lot less with what they see in the mirror, and have decided to pick up on the "other things" (a majority of women might beg to differ, but in comparison to 18th century European vanity — there’s little left to argue about).

Feminine catchphrases like "make-over" and "parlor hour" have been crudely replaced with words like "career," "family" and "the modern woman." Priorities have changed over time, and the lowly housewife is now mouthing equal rights, equal opportunities. Though that doesn’t show that women don’t care about how they look anymore, it’s just that men have decided to step up and take their place as queens (or kings) of the vanity throne. After all, the contemporary man, on the other hand, has added words to his vocabulary like "pores" and "follicles" to his ensemble of vanity words that started with the primitive understanding of "hair transplant."

"Ladies of Fashion starve their happiness to feed their vanity," Charles Caleb Colton once said. But at this rate, self-help groups will be needed to care for the newly starving gentlemen of fashion.

Either way, the world is beginning to open its doors to a vainer and saner mankind. And in a clear sign of hope, E-Male has landed a few compliments for himself in recent soirees. Though he realizes that he could never possibly garner as much attention as his girlfriend’s cleavage, he contents himself with comments like, "Hi pogi!", from his gay acquaintances who, undoubtedly, are prettier than a number of females he knows (needless to say, not in the biblical sense).

And so, as E-Male spends a good number of his waking hours staring in awe at his own attractiveness in front of the mirror, he’s happy with the fact that his hard work doesn’t go unnoticed. It’s about time the face of man collected its due. And though others might call it a step towards the ridiculous, E-Male calls it a step towards progress.

After all, on the seventh day and right after God created Adam in His image and likeness, He sat down on the barber’s chair on cloud 9, steamed in the sauna of life, looked in the mirror and said, "Man, oh man,

LOOOKING GOOOOD!".

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(Comments are welcome at argee@justice.com)